One recurring theme in my life has been trying to find people who share my outlook on the world. I value honesty tremendously and, often being outspoken, despise petty politics; I believe in improving everything around myself when given the opportunity, as opposed to cultivating social status. I also believe in freedom and the joy of pursuing one's own secluded dreams.
Still, what I find is that the only characteristic most or all autistics seem to share is the dislike for politics and social status. Many autistic women lie and ridicule, like NTs. Some autistics talk trash, like NTs. Some focus on self-interest, like NTs. A few attempt to establish rigid hierarchies and assert dominance... Like NTs. It seems as though every vice applicable to NTs can be found in one autistic or another.
I would like to be around those who appreciate my suppport and respond in kind rather than taking it as a sign of weakness; to be around those who engage in helpful, goal-oriented conversation, those who care deeply about the world and about improving it; those who do not exploit my actions, but tend to their healthy consequences.
I have always wanted to build things with people, to assist them in making themselves and the world around them more happy and virtuous. I have always tried to set limitations on this desire, but have always fallen short of having a clear group of people with whom I could collaborate. I thought for a short while that "autistics" as a whole might comprise this group, but the things I keep seeing throughout the internet, especially on these forums, partially disprove that.Certain fundamental qualities that I seek in a group to which i would belong are simply not universal to autistics, though the majority of autistics may well possess them.
Granted, I take most of my information about autism from these forums, and some of the members may not be sincere about their diagnosis. Still... It seems autistsics come in many shapes and sizes, and some are simply not good.
It's always painful for me to enthusiastically approach a group, attempt to join it and soon realize that its people are not my people for missing some of the qualities I am looking for. The stability of identifying with a particular, well-defined group would be absolutely fantastic, but it always seems elusive. Though quite a few people with autism seem to be fundamentally good, the idea of cultivating cooperation wit the more abusive, ruthless, irreverent and exploitative of people bothers me. It's as if the notion of the group itself being good is rendered invalid when I encounter exceptions, and that forces me to go back to contemplating a set of traits that is guaranteed to be indicative of good people.
08 Sep 2010, 9:45 pm
