trying really hard to forget...

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because the memories are so painful...

I watched an episode of House online (I've missed some of Season 6 because of work, mostly) and that was good because it doesn't remind me of my relationship woes (either of them) but when I got done with that I turned on the radio and immediately heard one song from the 80s that brought back a memory and so I changed the channel, and ANOTHER song was on that made me start crying...AARRRRGGGHHHH!! !! !!

Damn, I wish I could drink more than one or two drinks without getting sick.

~Kate

If you have memories of abuse, it might help to see whether the people related to these memories may have fit certain diagnostic criteria. I know it helped me greatly to learn that my father suffered from narcissistic personality disorder.

I do have memories of abuse, and I'm certain the perpetrator fit criteria for more than one illness. But the memories I'm talking about are of relationships that have not succeeded... The loneliness gets unbearable sometimes.

~Kate

You have to try and take solace in your own company.

Just because people are in a relationship doesn't mean they never feel lonely either.

Alcohol doesn't fix problems.

talk to me, I can fix your problems

Loneliness can be a bit pesky at times, but anxiety due to having relationships is harder to bare (for me). Constant fear of screwing things up, the pressure to be emotional when you're not (you actually never are ), trying to figure out what the hell are you suppose to be saying, because otherwise you're bound to experience some weird looks and confrontations once again.... Nah, I'm fine on my own - books are much better company anyway.

Those folks have an intuitive grasp of these social games which we don't - so I don't think you should beat yourself up over your "failures" - it's more likely that they were the ones being too demanding, needy and having their expectations set too high.

I'm really starting to think that you're right. I can't keep doing this to myself. People won't tell me what they're thinking or what motivates them with regard to their actions toward me (and I use the plural because it *is* plural), but I'm not supposed to guess or ask too many questions either...it freaking drives me crazy. I'm supposed to "know" or "read between the lines" and I CANNOT DO THAT. I need to have things spelled out for me but nobody is willing to do that, and if I ask they get offended...and if I assume they get offended, even if I assume it's **ME** that did something wrong. I CAN'T WIN. People think that because I have a f*cking high IQ that I ***SHOULD*** be able to "get it" when it comes to things like this but ***I CAN'T*** and it makes me feel like a bloody ret*d, but all people can say to me is that I'm "going to think/do what I want to" or that I'm "playing dumb". DAMN IT. I'm NOT doing that.



~Kate

I know that. I was just looking for a way to wipe my memory...but it would only do that temporarily, and I can't even do that because I hate to throw up and drinking enough alcohol to forget about the painful memories would definitely make me sick...I have like NO tolerance, never did, never will. So I'm stuck with the memories and the pain they cause

~Kate

Indeed, those folks act as if they are having a neurotypical disorder - thinking one thing, saying the other and doing something opposite from the first two but expecting that we know what they want us to tell them.

This article is a funny parody because it is true:

http://isnt.autistics.org/

But we're just as worthwhile as they are - and just because we don't have a "social gene" due to different wiring of the brain it doesn't mean they could turn us into their doormats, set expectations unreasonably high and then feel disappointed if we didn't become everything they ever wanted us to be.

I like the parody!

I know that for now I'm just trying to stop myself from circling the drain....my husband is trying to get me to "work things out" but right now I just want some space. I don't want to engage with anyone or relate to anyone. Maybe that's as screwed up as he says it is, but if it's that or suicide I'd rather stay around for my children.

~Kate