help needed please

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My girlfriend has depression and suicidal thoughts. When she is in a down mood she provokes anger and can be really hurtful to me. For instance she always says things like, "you dont love me, you just want me around for company and sex cause you cant get anyone better, you never liked me as a person". i find this really hurtful and angry making as i do love her very much, i love her cleverness and personality and fun we have, we always laugh together and love chatting, we do love each other for who we are. But when she is saying those crappy things i feel angry at her so i dont feel motivation to argue and say "no i do love you i love all your qualities" because i find it hard to feel love when she making me so cross.

Also, when she depressed, she is very dismissive and patronising to me and says things like "just go, just leave me, you have a happy life, im just a sad lost cause but you have the world ahead of you, just go and live your happy live, leave me here im not worth it". "just live a happy life, ill be ok here on my own, just leave me". In a kind of dissmissing self important way like im "too stupid to understand her pain" so i just just go off and enjoy life and forget her.

I find this so angry making as it makes me feel stupid and inferior, and so insulted at the idea that i care so little for her that i would just trot off and say "yes, ill go and enjoy myself and be happy, and leave her suicidal alone at home, she wants me to move on", it makes me feel so sh***y and bad about myself that she would think i would do or think that.

I know its selfish to worry about my own feelings when she is the depressed one, and i know that sad unhappy people can't be expected to ask nicely for support and behave, and people helping them should rise above it when they're difficult, but i find it hard to offer support when she always makes me so hurt and and angry when she's down.

Last edited by Mutate on 10 Sep 2010, 3:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Sounds like me, when I get depressed. Is your girlfriend on the spectrum? The reason I ask this, is because when I get depressed, I really feel better if people just leave me alone. Processing their stuff along with my own can get overwhelming.

Another thing, is that your girlfriend might be trying to push you away, because she is afraid of losing you. She figures that if she acts alienating enough, you will leave, and then her prophecy is fulfilled. Maybe she feels unlovable when she is feeling so down on herself, so she can't see how on earth you could possibly love her? It's tough to know how to deal with someone when they are depressed. This website has some articles about it, though:
http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php?
Good luck!

yeah i said that in an arguement on the phone. I said angrily that when she feels bad she indulges her bad feeling by starting fights with me to re affirm her bad feeling. thanks for replying. i feel awful and hope she is ok

i dont want to wrote critical and nasty threads about her, i love her but i am so frustrated at how crap i am at helping support. i say silly trite insincere sounding things like "i dont want you to be sad, ill do anything i can". i sound crap.

That really sucks, Mutate, I'd like to wish you both better. I know how it feels to be powerless to help another person that you really want to help. It sounds like you've done all that's reasonable. Sometimes people won't let you take care of them, but you must take care of yourself. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Don't let your negative feelings become negative words or actions. I think venting here is reasonable and probably good for you.

It's her depression talking. If there was some way you could not take her remarks personally. I remember my husband always taking my depression personally and trying to fix me. It took him decades to finally believe me when I said that he did not cause my depression and he could not fix it. Luckily, I had the wits to not attack him when I felt so awful.

thank you