My Fiances mother died at 50 from breast cancer

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I am not sure if you need all of this information to help but I feel like you do I will tell the whole story ill try to sum it up but I'm not good at that. On April 13th 2010 Amy Jo Williams lost her 7 year battle with breast cancer. She has gone into remission 3 times and a about maybe 5 months after Heather and I started dating Amy got sick the cancer came back. It had spread and I knew she would not survive. My mother is a nurse and I have been around cancer before and after coming back for a third time and spreading I knew it was not good. At first it looked like it would be ok they tried a new medication that looked promising but it did not help. Amy contented to deteriorate being bed ridden on the first floor of there home. On Thanksgiving of last year I proposed to Heather her mom was there still fighting. Some time passed and Amy just kept getting worse and I felt the family had no idea what was about to happen. The old me would have told her but since I have learned about my Aspergers I knew it was not my place to take there hope away my mom (my social interpreter) also said it was a bad idea so I did not say anything. When I herd it had spread to her brain I knew there was no hope short of a miracle which I prayed for (and I do not pray a lot not into the whole religious seen (but that's a whole nother story the short of it is I believe in after life and god)). Amy could barly walk her hip was starting to hurt really bad so on April 12th Heather and I took her to the hospital where they admitted Amy. We got her checked in and ready for tests and Amy told us to leave and go have fun with our evening we were hesitant but we went she insisted. The next day we woke at my parents house (I live at home) and we got ready to separate for the week I would not see her for 5 days. Heather gets a call it is her dad telling her to get to the hospital NOW. So I called off work to be with her I had a bad feeling. We got there and we see Matt (the husband/dad) and we go to him one of the docs gives us a private room (I knew that was a bad sign). So he explained that the cancer had broken her hip and she had to get it fixed in surgery (so she would either die of a broken hip or risk surgery). Her heart had stopped when they were finishing the surgery and they brought her back 3 times but her body was getting weak. Matt asked are you asking me to make a choice and the doc said I really don't think your going to have to make a choice she is not responding to anything we are doing. So Amy passed away with out getting to say goodbye to her girls or her husband. There has been speculation about if she knew how bad it was or not but that is another story and this one is already running long.

So its been 5 months and its just starting to hit Heather that her mother is not coming back. She was making herself sick keeping it all inside so we helped get it out and have her face the pink elephant in the room. I just want to help her but I don't know what to do. She will lay on me in bed and we will just sit there and I think that helps but I'm not sure. Here is my dilemma. They say that when you are say or depressed its good to get your mind on other things so I would think to show her HALO she seemed interested in that but then I am helping her ignore the problem. But at the same time if I just let her lay on me and be sad then nothing will ever get better right? Its like a loop its like (A) says that (B) is the wrong answer so Ill go to (A) but (B) says (A) is the wrong answer so ill go to (B) but (A) says (B) is the wrong answer so ill go to (A) but (B) says (A) is the wrong answer so ill go to (B) but (A) say (B) is the wrong answer. and it just repeats and I do not know what to do also there is (C) in there saying there is no right answer so then I just SCREAM and say SO WHAT DO THE HECK DO I DO TO HELP THE WOMEN I LOVE. Then I just get stuck on there is no right answer just be there for her but I feel like that is not enough I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THINKING ABOUT IT IS SLOWING DRIVING ME CRAZY.

Gosh, that sounds very hard and it's very brave of you to try to help her in these times of need.

I, honestly, am not sure of what to do but maybe you could help her out by showing emotional attachment. Try holding her hand, stroking her hair, doing those little things that you see other people do. Maybe even dance in the dark to some music; just hold her tight and kiss her or whisper in her ear.

You can't take away the pain but you can let her know you are there for her. It'll be hard for her to acknowledge anything else right now because of sensory overload but you should still let her know you're there. The fact that she clings onto you while you're both in bed says she needs you. And she does. And you need her. Don't ever stop believing that for a second.

It can take up to a year for the pain to go down. Even then, it won't ever really go away but she won't have to feel alone in this.

Be there for her, be compssionate and empathetic towards her, and don't state the obvious, like my mum did, with my recent loss.

I've read many times that the emotional tie between mother and daughter is the strongest. I'm not over my mother's death (4 years) but it "heals" in the sense that I don't have to think of it unless I choose to think about it. The grief hasn't changed but it can be put aside in a healthy way while I do constructive things. It's no longer intrusive.

So for your fiance you're still dealing with intrusive grief. That's a fairly new thing, since she's recently come to see the pink elephant, right?

I'll tell you what my Mom told me: "You can't avoid grief. You always think, 'This time I'll do it better.' - but there's no such thing. Let it out. Get it out. Cry, scream, throw things, smash furniture - get it out." Did I do that? A bit. I was self-conscious.

I never went for grief counseling and I don't know why not. I'm a great believer in counseling and certainly your fiance should go, if she can. Maybe you could find one, maybe help with the expense.

There's something else. You know 'for better or worse'? This is worse. So was the disease. There is no way for it to be better. It's a long haul and you'll both come out of having changed. I hope you'll continue your relationship. There's no such thing as a human life without black trails, where you suffer and grope your way without any light to guide you. But there is a light and you will see it again someday. In the meantime, maybe see to basic health matters, a walk after dinner, Sleepytime Tea before bed, pray with her if she prays.

Help her seek out poetry (she should do it herself but you can boost the effort) to express how she feels. Here's one poem:
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Do not stand by my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am a diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starshine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry
I am not there...I did not die.

Mary Frye (1932)

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Does she write? She could write her mother's life story, long or short. In the days after my mother's passing, I wrote about one incident: being a little kid and Mom zipping my snowsuit, making lovey faces at me, and me wondering how come her nails were always clean, which was impossible for me at the time.

Does she make websites? A memorial, perhaps contributed by the whole family, with pics scanned in.

Here's a thought: We must grieve, but we must remember to celebrate her life.

May God go with you and your fiance.