This is just the story that runs through my head on the subject, know that this is fiction and hasn't actually happened....yet.
For years, James had lived with the memories of his failings and while at times he was able to overcome and be functional recent years has seen a downturn. Once zealous in his faith, now completely cut off from it through a series of events. The pastor he once admired leaving the church he visited to pursue God's calling elsewhere, to his past memories flaring up and haunting him, to the stark realization that he was now in passive aggressive rebellion against doing what was needed and abandoning attempts that could help. With his life in such a downturn James decided to set his suicide plan into motion at long last. In his mind it would be his redemption for his failure as a man, and to ensure that no one will have to deal with him.
Using the money he had acquired over the years through an allowance, he purchased for himself a firearm of sufficient caliber for the task. Of course there would be a background check but since he had no police record and using his acting talents he was able to convince the clerk that he was going to use it for recreational purposes. While waiting on the background check James made one last contemplation, recalling the events in his life that led him to this state. But he continually kept returning to the same conclusion each time. In that he will spend the rest of his life alone, worthless to the society he once swore an oath to protect, and that he would continue to be a burden on his family. In his mind his suicide would ensure that not only would he not take up any vital resources but also that he would finally be at peace in death. No more roller coasters of up and down days, no more pain at the memories, and no more hatred for himself. For there would soon be no more self to hate.
When the check cleared and he finally acquired the weapon, he decided he would end his life the next day. He wrote a note to his parents as well as a forum post to his old friends. In it he said goodbye to his family and friends asking to be forgiven for his failure to be the man they wanted him to be and especially to his nieces who would never see their uncle again until he was in a casket. Near his home was a forest area and he decided that would be the best place, away from the bullet hitting any bystanders once it went through his head. His parents were none the wiser to his plan for they were both busy with either church or work related things to really see what was happening. When they had both left the next day, James proceeded to the forest area off a levy near the riverbed. He had a backpack which had the firearm inside and he looked to others as though he was going on a hike in the forest. When he found a spot at long last he sat on a rock near the river, having a final contemplation as he looked at the firearm which he removed from the pack. Loading one round in the magazine, he put the gun upside down in his hand, put the gun inside his mouth and aimed it 45 degrees targeting his cerebellum. For he knew blasting that away would instantly kill him. His last thoughts were, " You shall know no fear now, for fear is what brought you here, fear is what made you this way. But in this last act you shall know no fear. I ask for forgiveness if God is there, that I am not strong enough for what he wants. Goodbye dark world, may stronger men fulfill my place." Within that moment he closed his eyes, cocked the hammer, and pulled the trigger.
Within a flash the blast ripped open a hole out the back of his head killing him instantly. People on their daily runs or bicycles were startled by the blast and those curious as to the loud bang went down to the riverbed to find the body of James with gore and bone lying behind him. The police soon arrived on the scene with specialists retrieving the body to be sent to the morgue. The police found his identification and notified his mother and father of his death. With his passing James sent into motion events that would break the spirits of his brothers, his parents, and friends in far away states. They now live with guilt over their inability to stop him or talk to him about it. But James' tendency to be secretive prevented such a thing from coming to pass. Whether James actually found the peace he sought no one will ever know...
Thus ends this fiction, but who knows if it will become a reality....
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When all the world is overcharged with inhabitants, then the last remedy of all is war, which provideth for every man, by victory or death. - Thomas Hobbes
14 Sep 2010, 10:56 pm
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