Ugh, screw my life.

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I wish I could just die or work up the guts to kill myself, but I can't. I should explain a bit, though for the 2 people reading this.

I hate myself, I hate being me, I do distance education, I live in a town with nowhere to hang out with other kids, I don't leave the house, I'm a failure education-wise. My patheticness can be shown that I'm posting this on a teen forum where kids can barely find their genitals. I constantly feel pressured, I can't relax or be at ease, I'm ALWAYS tense on red alert, I'm exhausted and have bad sleeping patterns, I'm never feeling refreshed and sleep doesn't make me less tired. I'm always depressed. I have no energy. I'm romantically lonely, I'll never find a partner. I could die and the only people who'd care was my family. I wish I had more people caring about me.

There's lots more, but in a nutshell, I wish somebody would throw me on to a busy highway and end this suffering. The only things stopping me is medication. 250mg luvox, it's stunted my emotions and I have a constant runny nose thanks to it. It makes me not be mentally able to kill myself. Or self harm myself. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just calling for help without anything to show. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I just want sympathy. Maybe I just want attention. Maybe I just want love. Maybe I just want somebody to care.

You will die one day. Why hurry the process?

Oh, and something I found out... when you reach into the world, the world reaches back to you. Go to Meetup.com and see if you can find a group of people engaged in some activity you like, no matter how silly.

Heck, Meetup actually has groups for the depressed.

If you felt a need for sympathy, you have it. I feel sympathetic for your suffering. Everyone needs to feel someone cares and that they are important to someone. Sometimes, when I've felt like you do, it makes a huge difference just to find someone who will listen to your emotions and sympathize with or understand how you feel. I've felt like you do before, I know it is difficult.
But, even if it seems lonely and hopeless, I've learned the world is full of people who care, even if they're hard fo find sometimes..

In a few years you can leave the small town and start a new life with new possibilities. Many kids become teenage runaways, AS or not. Have you seen the movie Cunnamulla?

I'll totally leave this town. I'm not going to kill myself, I just wouldn't exactly care if I fell down the stairs.

Maybe suffering is the right word, because it physically and mentally hurts. Why do I endure it? I just want people to know that I don't want this and I want to feel like I'm cared for by people who aren't forced to care.

I was like that too like the constant state of alert and being unable to relax. I also couldn´t sleep even taking pills. If you don´t sleep you get more irritable and I used to trash things in my house. You have to go to other city when you go to college or when you start working. It may help you. I moved to my aunt´s house. It was not a big thing but it helped me. A chage of environment sometimes helps if you didn´t like the original place. I can understand what you feel. Social deprivation is not good for the depression. I really been through that for many years.


"I hear you brave young Jables,
You are hungry for the rock.
But to learn the ancient method,
Sacred doors you must unlock.
Escape your father's clutches,
And this oppressive neighborhood.
On a journey you must go,
To find the land of Hollywood!"


It is just a song.

"In The City of Fallen Angels,
Where the ocean meets the sand,
You will form a strong alliance,
And the world's most awesome band!
To find your fame and fortune,
Through the valley you must walk.
You will face your inner demons.
Now go my son and rock!"

Thanks for the advice man, but it doesn't help because I can't move. I'm 15 and my whole family would have to move as well.

Sounds like Paris actually. The 'city of love' is full of 1 bedroom apartments with people living alone...

I take guilt from kids who've been sexualized too young IMO (eg, losing virginity at 12) and feel it myself, even if the kids don't themselves. I feel like it's my fault that they did it.

I feel like that a lot of the time. It's kinda on and off for me. I don't know why, but I don't really see suicide as a possibility. I mean, I think all the time that I want to die and point my finger to my head and pretend to shoot, but when I actually consider it, it just doesn't seem possible. Even if I did consider it an option, I probably wouldn't be able to do it either because I can imagine my family in ruin of it. Sure, they don't act like they love me now, but I know my mom would be crying and wishing she knew and ect.. I just couldn't put them through that..

I guess I'm just staying alive hoping that things will get better some day. My Dad is always pressuring me to get good grades and even if I get B's he is still disappointed because he and my siblings always made strait A's. Plus I don't believe in anything my parents believe in and I don't strive to be what they want me to be. I feel like I'm a huge dissapointment. Even if nobody cared what I did and all the pressure went away, I still don't think I would be able to get a job/friends/family or ever be able to function as a normal person.

In the mean time, if you wanna talk, you can email me. It's always nice to have some to talk to.. I might actually need it more than you though.. Who knows..

Oh, and if you read, I recommend 'It's Kind of a Funny Story". It's about a teenager who's depressed like us.. You might enjoy it.

I'm can relate to what you feel. I'd love to chat some time. I've been up for 13 hours though, time to sleep.

PURE GENIOUS, this made my day , thanks never realized this xo

I care.

Thanks, this is my bulletproof logic against suicide

It's an ever expanding guiltfest that won't go away.

I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much.

i know this may sound insensitive but the best thing for you to do is keep your mind off of this and focus on something else. Focus on creating something and that creation will eventually bring people that care about it, then they will care about you. Meditation may help as well. This life seems really mechanical and predictable to me lately but I must force myself to live one more day. Maybe something good will come to us if we keep hope.