I had a major breakdown tonight. It all started when I went with my family to this picnic thing my uncle's workplace held. We went @ 3 and fireworks were at 8. I listened to a band who was good for a half an hour but once they left the rest sucked...I eat just about everything I could eat there and they had only a rock climb that I failed miserably at, every thing else was for little kids (bouncy bounce, etc...)
So I just kept walking around and trying to text with someone, but no one was responding so I was so bored. I kept seeing couples together my age or a little older and I kept getting more and more frustrated to the point where I couldn't take it and had to leave...So I called my friend to pick me up at like 5:30.
Well anyway he just got a girlfriend and they were all over each other the whole night. At one point we were watching tv in the living room of his gf's house and they were cuddling while I sat there alone. I couldn't take it, they were laughing and having a fun time while I was alone...my friend didn't do it on purpose or anything and I didn't make it seem like I was hurt so I excused myself into the bathroom where I looked in the mirror and started crying. Well they realized I was crying b/c I kind of started as I walked to the bathroom and after I calmed down my friend knocked on the door and asked me if I was alright, I told him I wanted to go home.
So we were leaving and I waited in the car, I looked while my friend kissed his gf goodnight. His gf is beautiful and really gets along with him, likes the same music, etc... It's not that I'm jealous of him it's just I felt so lonely when he did anything with her...it was like I was the 3rd wheel and I was just there to suffer. Anyway the car ride home was completely silent and after he dropped me off I went inside and just started crying, and I couldn't stop. I just kept thinking of everyone I saw today having fun with even a friend that was a girl and it hit me hard and I couldn't stop for like 20 minutes. Then I started eating like crazy, I had leftover egg rolls, like 6 of them. I have an issue. I shouldn't be eating my emotions away. I think I'm like almost 200lbs. now and I'm pretty short [5'7 or 8]
Anyway I don't have anything going for me...I'm struggling to find a job, college is tough this semester, my parents (mom especially) hounds me everyday for not having a job and my family thinks I have mental problems because I have no job or friend that's a girl. I have no girls in my life...none at all, never even a f*ckin kiss. I want a change and I just can't find that breakthrough to get my life turned around.
I was talking to a therapist but I stopped over the summer because I was making progress and had a job lined up until the worst fortune happened and it never worked out right. Since that day I have had no luck, whether it was playing games (like cards, madden), losing $900 at a casino b/c I ran out of money and the next person won on their second spin, really everything.
I'm 18 yrs old and I have an extremely high blood pressure 140 over 92 (I know b/c they had machines at the picnic thing to test)
I have to much stress and no confidence/self-esteem in myself. What can I do when nothing goes my way...how do you fight on...I keep hearing it will get better but it just gets worse and worse...honestly I don't know how much longer I can take...I have never thought of suicide before and I don't want to get to that point but I feel it coming soon...I'm at the end of my rope. PLEASE HELP!! !
25 Sep 2010, 11:57 pm
