A rather jagged pill to swallow

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...that I'm going to be, at least superficially, a rather scary and misfit individual for the rest of my life.

Its not to say that I don't have some truly great long-term friends, just that I've come to the awareness that there are certain things about my expressionality, my core motivation, and my energy in interacting with others, that will not and cannot change. My body is literally not rigged to be anything else, to try and be something else at this point is like a Saab withing with all its might that it was a Lexus or a dog trying to train itself to be a cat. Its impossible. What I can be pretty sure that this does mean - constant awkwardness, a wealth of things that I can't share with others about my existence, likely permanent single-hood and many odd repercussions that are strangely well submerged beyond my own social skill level (ie. what you have in social skills uniqueness will make up for in counterweight), likely a life lived where my talents will be clipped, handed back to me, and I'll be forced to eat the majority of my dreams.

Yes, that last one most people have. Stories of inward sorrow are a dime a dozen. I figure this - the shape of the container will have to guide me. If I know what I can or can't do, I'll have to run with what I can. I tend to believe, anymore, that I've thrown away the most torturous of all illusions - ie. free will. My best is my best is my best, I can't beat on myself for not getting more, can't beat on myself with 'what ifs' for a moments rest taken that may have cost an opportunity somewhere along the line, ie. assessments like that simply aren't real. At the same time though - looking forward and realizing that my life will always be a struggle, that whatever benchmarks that I had laid out for myself that I'll likely be far behind them when I hit any particular age - its pretty nasty and pretty difficult to swallow.

So I guess that's the big spiritual challenge of life right? Being raised to get to rock-stardom/celebrity/CEO/CFO-ship or bust, 98% of us bust. Then again when you've dealt with being a misfit for a long time the bar in these areas seems much higher - almost like you need to achieve or fulfill something practically superhuman to justify the bare bones of your existence. Afterward, when you realize that you simply won't be anything that you wanted to be, what do you do with all the emotions that were previously vested in ambitions and spurring yourself on as high as you could go? How do you stop digging into yourself every waking moment and just live life? Its not to say that I don't still have at least a handful of ambitions on the table that I'm still pursuing but I think I'm getting to my last round before I seriously start having to answer these questions on career, financial, and recreational fronts in addition to romantic life.

techstepgenr8tion: you're always well spoken, and this is no exception.

This is so eloquent; I think it really sums up, with dignity and sobriety, "our" condition. I often wonder to what extent this kind of unflinching sum-up, the ability to clinically assess just what the issue is, really separates the aspies from the norms. If NTs do this, they don't ever, *ever* talk about it.

Ours is often a tough row to hoe, made all the more so because there are no conventional therapies to guide us or even understand us. The stares we get when we try to explain our differences, even in a polite or deferring way, are so disconcerting. The hours and money I've wasted in the pursuit of an answer! I laugh now!

And how funny is it for us who grew up before the great unveiling, who lived a whole life without having a full context into which we could place our experiences. Once I realized just what I am, I was equally relieved, angry, and aggrieved. It's hard to know that you'll have to explain to others/navigate strange waters for the rest of your life.

For me, I take great comfort in knowing that I live with greater honesty and integrity than most people I know. It bites me in the ass all the time, but I no longer care. This is the core of who I am. I never lie, I never cheat, I never don't consider other people (at least within my limited capabilities). I don't know what to tell you: at age 43, I'm just now coming into the ultimate power of *comfort with myself*. That's not something that can be taught, externally, I don't think. It's something that has to be found for yourself. I know some people look at the outward trappings of my life and feel sorry for me (having achieved so little, in comparison with the outward image I've projected, and all the material advantages I've been given), but I no longer feel that way about myself. I feel like knowledge about ASD gives me the missing piece, the one I've been looking for forever. I have never accepted limitations, but at least now I have some guidelines for my (many) failures.

I feel with you. I get it.

Natural selection is a merciless b!tch.
I agree with you on the free will thing, everything has a subconscious motivation. We`re swimming against the current of human evolution. Not to say it`s necessarily hopeless for the autistic spectrum, nature may have a place for it. But many mutations and variations have succumbed to progress`s march.

mv, great post. Thank you. Self-acceptance seems to be where I'm chasing, the harder part will be peace with what remains on a day to day basis.

Subotai - thank you and agreed. At the same time - I specifically don't believe in free will in the sense that, I can't see anything of 'me' that wasn't given by birth and environment. That's liberating in any salvation/perdition question sense, its great in the Dennis Prager 'Happiness is a Serious Problem' sense in that I can see that everyone has missing tiles in their beautiful ceiling fesco (yes, his book is great - and frank, he has had a lot of thoughts I can relate to on so many levels).


On a follow up note, when I say 98% of us I mean NT's as well. One friend of mine has a step-dad who's a psychologist at a major hospital downtown. He's been going through a midlife crisis of feeling like he went only so far with his career, has two step-children, and overall feels like a failure. A couple that I know, and the girl's brother, their dad - also a psychologist - had a messy divorce and both my friends (sister and brother) talked about finding him on the kitchen floor unconscious or throwing up in the sink. Another friend of mine mentioned that her mom has to deal with her dad literally drinking a 30 pack of beer every day, almost like he's trying to commit suicide via his own liver, and we can't figure out in talking about it how anyone under the sun can drink 30 cans of anything, even water in a day. The guy who was dating the psychologists daughter - his dad as well, drinks a 12 - 18 pack of beer on a regular basis after telling his son not to marry the girl that he's wildly in love with but the girl that he can 'put up with' (my martial arts instructor as well shares some of that sorrow).

So, NT's are definitely more than on board with us there.

I'm just having one of those odd nights where I came back from partying at OSU with a friend, celebrating his birthday, had my symptoms hit me at the bar as usual (no social qualms but again - overload makes me look depressed, occasionally people are asking me why I'm sad, hate it), and getting back I feel like I've been on the verge of tears all night - and whenever they're almost ready to come out I tend to just chase them away with bitter laughter. I still remember looking around the bar, everyone laughing and dancing in sync, almost like they were in some sado-masochistic version of a children's Disney musical (sado-masochistic to them at least, when I watch it I can't figure out how they don't feel like that state is on razor's edge, its like a polluted version of childhood emotion that never seems to leave them - I don't judge them on it, I know we all have our own genetic steering toward different things, but I can't even pretend, I'm rather stuck being the Hemingway of Ulysses S. Grant of the crowd, ie. the vertical rather than horizontal member of the crowd who's at his best chasing challenges and at his weakest in socially floral situations).

Life's just perverse though. I just thank God that I'm not living in Assyrian times, nor a Chinese peasant in the 13th century when the Moguls went on their raids. Regardless of our own internal struggles at least we're not dealing with the horrors we once did. With our own picture though - I suppose all you can do is laugh at how there really are no winners in the end math, everyone has something that both isn't working and is incorrigible within themselves. The trick is learning how to 'lighten up'. I have a feeling that the psychologist who can steer aspies in the right direction or steer NT's off their depression drinking with their words will make millions if not billions. Yes, I firmly believe there is a God, I have full faith in that, but, I'm also a monist - so, I literally don't believe anything going on under the sun is anything outside of his will, nor will it ever be possible for such things to happen. That's comfort in a broader sense but, in this life, we're all kind of stuck spinning out and drifting, hoping for something to latch onto but - unfortunately the things we're set to chase in this life are rather ethereal and even if we hold onto them for a moment they end up turning to dust and sifting right through our fingers with the passage of time as all things generally tend to.