Alexithymia

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I have no understanding of my inner self. I have no idea if I am happy or sad at any given moment. Feelings come and go but I am unable to tell what they mean. I am constantly flooded by strange inner movements that I cannot properly describe or quantify. I have no idea what people are referring to when they talk about their emotions. I do not know what a personality is, or what people mean when they talk about minds.

I only discovered the word Alexithymia yesterday and it helps explain so much about me. I want to be able to feel things. I mean, when I cry I know that means sadness, and I have figured out that what I feel when I cry is what I feel most of the time. I guess I am depressed. I think I would be less depressed if I felt like a real human being. I am also faceblind and barely able to remember personal events. My whole life is a blur except for the facts I have learned, for example about Mongol battle tactics.

How do I become normal? Or at least live with who I am? I am sorry to bother you guys. I would enjoy comforting, feel free to PM me. I have a strong motivation to make other people happy because I have not experienced it myself, and it must feel so good.

I used to have major issues with this myself but now they're much milder. I found that by memorizing certain individuals reactions, etc. I was able to learn how to sort emotions to a certain extent. This takes a lot of time and patience though.