Thinking of leaving...can't take the troubl I am.

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Let's start with today.

I woke up, after feeling pretty good about myself for overcoming the urge to masturbate the previous night. What do I do in the morning? I lose the battle in the morning and masturbate.
(It is my own decision not to masturbate, I feel much better when I do not.) So I say hey, I might have slipped after a week of not doing it but hey we can still have a good day. I go outside and re-tighten the lug nuts on my truck wheels (supposed to be every other lug nut according to my brother but I did not do that, and so wanted to correct it so my wheels are on there just right) one of the bolts on the passanger rear side turns out to have been stripped by yours truly. So I show my brother and he says it's fine so I try and screw it back on just like I was the rest, turns out not to be fine and is now kind of stuck on there and in anger about this I kicked the tire iron in an after to get over the stipped lump which made it worse and I bent the stud. So now I have to replace the stud, which isn't difficult but things are just mounting today. I bolt the rest of the bolts up (Only 4) my brother says it's ok, it will probably be ok, but I'd rather be safe then sorry. Our plan was to bleed the brakes in an effort to fix my breaks which went out on my way home the other night. So we bled the front brakes however they are still not working properly. And because I bit my keys my brother calls me a baby for being angry sad about the situation. He goes to class and i slip again and in my frustration look at porn on the computer. Now the rest of the evening I have just been a pouty little baby which is what I am, I hate that who/what I am.

I am thinking of heading back home, this move has been only trouble for my brother. First night I end up getting drunk and throwing a beer can through a window. Few nights later I slip and in my drunken mind I smoke weed which sends me into depression. Two weeks later I drink and get in a big fight, now I have a cut on top of my head that is sticking out like frankenstein. The hospital workers all think I am the slowest person they have ever met and ask me if I am slower than I usually am, I tell them no I am just this way. Then they ignore me in this room and do not let me leave until I sign all their dumb papers, then a stupid nurse walks in and tries to give me a tetnis shot but I tell her I already had one but she is not believing. Ten minutes later she finally believes me but now has an attitude the rest of the time that I am stuck there. When explaining my release notes which I am listening to but apparently are not because she must leave mid sentance and says "Maybe I should tell this to your brother instead" "No just finish what you were already saying." To late she is already out the door to walk over to my brother who isn't even tehre because I told him to go home and pick me up later so he wouldn't have to waste time in this damn hospital.

I am considering going back on prescriptions but I HATE taking a pill everyday to control me like a zombie.

Anyways...going to give it til the end of the month I guess =/

Probably leave and suffer the reprocussions from my parents for leaving.

Will I ever be able to leave home succesfully? I sure hope so, I feel like an invalid (Not sure how you spell that one....but meant to say "one who everyone must take care of."). I feel as if i never grew up and everyone around me did and I'm as slow as a sack of potatoes that can't do anything right.

And even if i do go back on medication i am still only minorly succesful compared to everyone else. Why do I compare myself to everyone else? Becaus I am forced to walk along side them every single day to hear their insults, view their faces of dissaproval (i don't think i am aspie or hfa- I can tell when someone dissaproves of me, everyone does and how could they not). Thinking of buying some pain killers, just to make the rest of the month go buy easier.

One thing i have accomplished from my time here is only 4 drawings, and a fifth which is hideous. I cannot upload them because I do not have a scanner and I don't want to see people, a lady called me a greaser for no reason that I can see- what is a greaser, it's clearly not a mechanical person as seen by the bent stud on my truck wheel.

.

to definitions to greaser
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greaser_%28subculture%29
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greaser_%28derogatory%29

Please do not take any kind of drugs unless a doctor prescribes them to you. It will only make things worse. Try to give yourself a little more time to adjust and hang in there. Sometimes it just takes time to get used to a new place. Let your brother help you when he can. He must love you very much.

A greaser is an American term for a Rocker. Rockers wore biker jackets and tight jeans and they slicked their hair back. They rode on motorcycles. I could tell you all about Mods and Rockers, but I don't want to bore you to death.

The drugs the doctors prescribe me do just as much damage to me as street drugs, more in my opinion- I feel like I have a thousand needles all barely pushed into my skin when I take adderall. My brother does not have time for me he is trying to get himself through school, and why would you say he loves me- he thinks I am a baby aka annoying and whiny. His friend said I looked like i was pouting when I was having a silent melt down, more evidence for me being a baby.

My roomates certainly don't love me, strange person invading their space, playing music loudly, and bring unwanted trouble to the house.

Since this head injury I wake up in the middle of the night sick to my stomache but unable to vomit. They said this is a side effect to watch out for, but I am definately not going back to there where they will just send me a big bill which is on the way i'm sure from last time.

Well, I am an ass hole- you are trying to be nice and I cannot even simply thank you.

Really I am a waiste of space.

I think it's because I haven't been to the gym in 3-4 days..

Haven't felt this down the whole time I have been down here, and this is the longest I have gone without going to the gym...hmm I think I am going to go today.

Thanks for the responses, I apologize for being impulsive in what I said and possibly rude.

Hang in there! Going to the gym regularly is probably a good idea. A good workout will help your mood ^_^

Try to stay off drugs and alcohol. They just make things worse.

Hope everything goes well. Good luck!