I hate my mom

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My mom doesn't seem to respect me or treat me like an adult. I'm almost 22 years old but I feel like I'm still 7 years old to her. I've been in a relationship with my online girl friend for almost 2 years now. I live in OR, she lives in NC. Recently her computer broke, so the only way we could talk for the time being is with the phone. She makes this rule to where I can only be on the phone for 30 mins a day. I'm an adult with a job at Costco working 30-40 hours a week for gods sake! I pay for my own gas and other things, I think I should be at least be entitled to use the freaking telephone when I need to use it! A few weeks ago before her computer broke some guy friend of her's touched her and did some inappropriate things to her. It affected the both of us a lot in terms of our relationship because she felt guilty for not being able to tell him no because she was so scared. I told her it wasn't her fault it happened to her, but for awhile she almost wanted to break up because she thought she didn't deserve me. In the mean time she had changed her relationship status to "its complicated" on facebook. While I was at work she told me my mom had been messaging her on facebook. The next night after I got home she comes into my room and tells me how my girl friend asked her to break up for her and kept going on about how "shes pretty". What, so beings I'm autistic I'm not allowed to have a pretty girl friend or something now? Turns out that was all a huge load of B.S. my girl friend said no such thing to my mom and It really pissed me off! I wanna move out of here just so I can be away from her presence but for the time being I don't have enough money saved up to where I could maintain a living on my own, don't own a car, and until my 90 day probation is up at Costco, I'm sure as heck am not going to make any serious changes till then. Earlier my girl friend and I were talking on the phone and acourse she starts going on about how my dad had called "several times" from work and couldn't get through. That was a lie, as if someone tries to call on the other line it will beep and then show up on caller ID. Acourse she tried to be all high and mighty and say that she didn't believe me. So I told her that the phone says otherwise and that there was no record on caller ID of him calling. My dad did a little a experiment with the phones to see what I meant and was able to see that if someone did indeed call it WOULD show up on caller ID. There was no record, and even if I deleted it off that phone, It doesn't delete it off the other 2 phones, which would have required me to grab the phone off her desk she was sitting at all day long, and in their bedroom. Neither I possibly could have done as I was upstairs all day long because I can't stand to see her face most of the time. A few weeks ago my mom ended up having a minor surgery because of some cyst on her head that caused her face to swell up. She said something about how she could have died if it wasn't treated right away. Honestly, the first thought in my head after she said that was "all the things I could do if you were dead....." thats how little respect I have for her. I don't know why she dislikes my girl friend so much, shes the sweetest girl in the world and about one of the few people I really feel like understands me being high functioning autistic. She was possibly going to come here last spring break but couldn't because she didn't have the money. My mom then told her maybe she could come during the summer. Summer comes, and I get a job, I now have MORE than enough money for her to come, probably multiple trips with some left over and when I asked my mom about it her response was "we weren't planning on having company this summer" So she lied to my girl friend again. Here I am an adult with a job, willing to PAY for my girl friend to come and visit with my OWN money that I saved up and all she does all day long is sit in front of her computer being a moderator on the official sims 3 site, or moderating the sims 3 facebook with the tv on all day long. No job, doesn't cook aside from maybe 2 or 3 times the entire year, doesn't want anybody at our house hardly because that would involve having to clean and cook and be away from the computer. I feel like I'm gonna loose my mind because of her or have my relationship with my girl friend destroyed.

It's tough, hating someone yet being dependent on her. No matter how old you get, everything's her way because "This is MY house and...". All I can tell you to do is hang in there and save your money. When I felt like this, I joined the army, but that's not something everyone can do, obviously. If you find someone who needs a roommate, that'll help with living expenses. It's tough living with a person you don't know, but it can't be much worse that what you're doing now.

get a cheap cell phone with a prepaid account, and then you can use the phone as much as you can pay for.

I have a tracfone, but I can't keep buying mins to talk as much as I'd like to with her.

Do you have a double minutes tracfone? You can do a lot of talking with one of those. And you already know how cheap the phones are to buy. We use them at our house.

You sound like you might be in a similar situation as my younger son, but even his dad is not as big a pain as that.

I wonder if you mom fears change and wants things to stay the same as they have always been so she doesn't have to deal with it. I also wonder what she has lied about over the years that you might not even realize, just to keep you corralled in. It might be she doesn't see you as mature enough for a girlfriend, or dreads the idea of you ever having sex, or ever moving out and leaving her alone. If she's that rigid and obsessed with the Sims, hates change, doesn't want anybody to come into the house and stir things up, I wonder if she might not be on the spectrum somewhere.

I also wonder if manipulating little virtual people sort of carries over into real life for her...

I wonder that myself too. about what shes lied about that I may not know....

I have the double mins things. But like I said, I don't wanna be spending every dime of my pay checks on mins, I need it for things like gas and to save up so I can eventually get out of here.

I know she has a form of adult ADHD. But I think shes gona die or something once my sister and I move out of the house. I swear half the time my sister is just her own personal servant making her fill up her stupid water cup every hour or making her clean a bunch of things.

H could have written tge same thing, at your age. I was full of resentment, for years. I'm on my own, now. Maybe you could think about moving out, once you have enough money saved up.

I've been ready to get out of here the last couple years because I can't stand her existence. But like I said, until my 90 days are up I'm not making any changes like that. Because if I loose my job I may not be able to find another one with the economy the way it is, and have no money to pay for living and other expenses.

That's the tradeoff, then. You'll either have to talk less (make it more meaningful) or find a way to get more money to buy more minutes. It's really not at all reasonable to expect your mom to pay for you talking to your girlfriend.

Better yet, learn to write letters. Stamps are cheap.

She calls me because she has long distance, it doesn't cost ANYTHING for her to talk to me, my mom just has to be a control freak and only let me talk for 30 mins. And we did the letter thing when she lost her internet for 2 months, but its not the same obviously, and the mail can't always be trusted to get things delivered on time.

Until you can move out you can't really say anything. If it is so bad and you are so responsible then go buy an apartment.

I was gonna say. If you can't even afford more minutes to talk to your girlfriend when you have no problem buying her plane tickets, you really have no business expecting to be treated like an adult.

I'm also wondering if your mom, who may or may not be on the spectrum, doesn't have a job because of her issues or because she's just so used to being a stay-at-home mom.

Your mother might be a narcissist, since she's trying so badly to control you, humiliate you, criticize you, lie to you and isolate you. Narcissists love being in positions of power, where they can belittle others. Have a look at the resources on my sig. If she is a narcissist, you may want to see whether you could gather evidence of illegal forms of harassment and take legal action against her. Also, even if you don't want to take action against her, you would want to find your own place to live ASAP if she truly is narcissistic.

I wonder about your girlfriend and whether she was disrespecting you with her behaviour, e.g. saying her computer breaking down (she could have used an internet cafe) and changing her facebook status to "it's complicated".

Sadly, as you can see, there are trolls on this board. Please ignore them.

I can afford them, I make around 600-700 bucks every pay check, but the point i'm trying to make is, i shouldn't have to keep buying mins for my cell phone when I should just be able to use the telephone like any other normal adult gets too! And she hasn't had a job since like 2 years before I was born. I know my girl friend isn't lying or anything, she has to share it with her mom and her brother and cousin, and they're constantly clicking on things that put viruses into it or doing other things that have put it out of commission before. I'm not sure if there is any cyber cafes where she lives. I know she gets on the library computers sometimes to talk to me. But they have a time limit of 30 mins. She told me last night though she got hired for a job, so I just gotta hold out for a month or less till she can start getting money and possibly buy a lap top that she said someone would sell to her for a low price.

YourMom will continue to treat you like a child until you move away from home. You were born a child and the terms of that relationship remain unchanged until you change them. Getting older doesn't change the terms. Even holding a job doesn't change the terms unless your job is suddenly the sole source of income for the family. Leaving home and having your own home where you make your own house rules changes the terms.

There are a few groups of people who get treated like adults even though they live at home with their parent(s). In each case, these people did something dramatically adult that changed the terms of the relationship:

1)married couples who are saving up money so they can have a home of their own-- getting married forced their parents to see them as adults

2)adults who moved away from home for several years when they had a good job but moved back in with their parents when they lost it----moving away from home for several years forced their parents to see them as adults

3)adults who are caring for a disabled parent---becoming disabled enough to require in-home care reverses the parent/child relationship so that the child is the responsible one and the parent is the dependent one

You don't fit any of these groups. You haven't done something that forces your Mom to see you as an adult. Until you do, she will continue to see you as a child. Ranting about her house rules like a highschooler just reinforces that image in her mind. If she feels like she is interacting with a 16 year old, she will continue to see you as a child. Take whatever steps you can towards independence. Total phone independence is a necessary step.