Family gets to me SO DEEPLY!! !!

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I am not suicidal let me repeat NOT SUICIDAL! I'd never do anything but the thought scares me!! !! Cleaning the house with cleaner "Oh I wonder what this chemical would do kill me or damage an organ very badly one or the other." Last night while falling asleep I imagined what if my parents found me dead. I don't want to kill myself I hold out hope and you guys have said with moving out and later on finding some friends or a boyfriend but sometimes "thinking" about these silver lining things don't seem like enough!! !! You can dream imagine being rich but still YOU AREN'T!! !! I can imagine dream of these things BUT I DON'T HAVE THEM!! !! ! Does anyone know where I'm coming from?

Yeah. That's a sucky place to be. For me it got better... but I'm not sure I'm not comparing apples and oranges here.

I hope that things get better for you, soon.