I'm unloveable by myself, for who I really am (LONG).

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I always try to change. I only fake success. I can't change myself, nor learn to accept it.

I was always the over-sensitive kid, who obsessed over the wierdest s**t ever, That's why I almost never had many friends. At my earlier years, my mom said I never told her my problems, and just repeat sentences from my favorite TV show, even though I knew how to speak very well, a little later than most toddlers, but always knew how to speak well. I just didn't use it to solve my problems. That's why even the psychiatrist said I just need a way to express myself: Art Therapy.
Because of being encouraged by everyone around me to stop being obsessed, make tons of friends, and "be normal, for God's sake", I learned to hide my very stron interest, and get bored to be approved. I learned I need to be someone else in order to be loved. I learned to mask my monotonous voice, to mask my over-intensive interests, to mask my identity, and try to copy the personality of the hero.

I'm living with the fear my mask will fall off, and everyone will run away from me. I like people to leave me alone and lety me rest, yet I fear them leaving me alone for good.

It's not that I hate people, or just prefer to be alone, I fear screwing up everything I fought for when I let my guard down, which means I live with the fear of my mask moving and showing my skin, I live with trying my best to be the exact opposite of me, and it tires me out. I have a suicidal depressed days, a paranoid depressed day, and just bad moods. I can't take it anymore!! !

My real me is those traits:
-obsessive.
-socially challenged.
-tactless.
-filled with self hate, self grudge and self-pity.
-boring.
-smart.
-butting her nose into other's businesses.
-untidy.
-disorganized.
-naive.

My fake traits are those:
-calm.
-optimistic.
-friendly.
-have "street smarts".
-loves EVERYONE.
-interesting.
-quiet.
-tidy.
-normal.

I wish I knew what's wrong with me.
How come I can't be who I want to, how come I'm stuck in myself?! When EVERYONE has the equal opportunity of being who they want to be, I don't.

I'm sorry, just had to write it out.

Just don't forget that one person that saw you without the mask still wanted to stay.

I won't. He's my reason to keep living.

You can't run after what you can't have, tTake your mask off before it cracks. You can make friendships but you can't make yourself.

Hey, Nitz! While there's no one in the world like Yanlin, there are other people out there who will accept you for who you really are, just like Yanlin did. Let him help you find the courage to let the mask down as much as you feel comfortable with until you are just being you all the time.

You can keep the mask up now because you're young, but for almost everyone, that mask will crack whether you want it to or not when you hit middle-age. It's so common that there's even a term for it: Mid-life autistic burn-out. Take it from someone who's gone through it (is going through it), it's exhausting and traumatic. The more you can let yourself live as the real you now, the less you will suffer when you get to be my age or older.

I don't know if I'm autistic or not... :S

But I will get rid of the mask when I finish school/IDF serving.

I wish that she could get rid of the mask like I did... But she can't. She's not strong enough to handle the emotional breakdown it will cause. Especially since I can't physically be there with her all the time. (Live in different cities)

And she NEEDS the mask to survive right now... It's sad and it makes me sad. I want to help her, I can't. I have to wait...

Sure, she'll get rid of it later... When she no longer keeps in contact with her current social circles in school... She needs people... That's undeniable... She fakes herself... She dresses in revealing clothing... Because that's fashion. (Fact: Women mostly dress in a way that pleases their fellow women's opinions. NOT to attract men. But those things seem to lead to the same end, since fashion seems to go to that direction over time.)

She fakes a whole personality... She's guilty of doing consciously something I can't stand and think is dishonest. Something normal people do subconsciously. Something I avoid whenever possible. (Obviously I can't be honest with my driving instructor... Or else... Well... Bad things happen. (Example: He has this thing where he asks me why I did something, if I answer him, he goes "You even dare to answer?! You should just say "I was stupid" instead of making up excuses!" and if I do say something like that... He finds another reason to yell.))

So, the mask stays on for now. But when she does take it off... I'll be there. Hugging her for support.

By just shifting your perspective a bit, you can use another more positive word. It seems a little but it will alter your behavior for the better with no effort

Sad but true. ><



My self esteem is too low to use positive words (I scored 1 out of 100 in a self esteem test, with 1 being the lowest. AND answered honestly).

Oh and socially challenged means I can't figure out social norms and social situations myself.

What's your relationship with her? I'm curious as to how why you joined a forum when it's not directly related to you. It's a great thing, I'm just wondering, are you a really good friend, etc?

(Sorry for reviving this old topic, I didn't check back as often as I should have and I really want to comment on this.)

Does it LOOK like I'm a really good friend?

She's my girlfriend. And... Well we're sort of engaged.

In the sense that... We already want to marry... And by the time we can, it'll be enough time to judge anyway... So we're engaged now to save effort.

I've worn a mask for a few years. It was such a relief to take it off, last year.