Cracking Under the Pressure

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I'm a 13-year-old girl who goes to a private, Catholic school. Lately, I've been feeling exceptionally sad, much more than I used to. There's always been a sad side to me, the one I always kept hidden. I just pushed that all inside of me and stayed happy on the outside. That worked very well until recently.

These assessments have started at school and I've always been considered the 'smart' one and people naturally think I'll do well at tests. I never really worried about this until now.

All my life, I've been under a lot of pressure from my mother. I'd like to say it's because she loves me, but to do that, I'd need to be able to tell her 'I love you' back. I've never been able to bring myself to say that. If I don't get the most number of prizes at the prize giving this year, she threatened to send me to public school. Why is this such a bad idea? I have a hard enough time in my school: I wouldn't last a say there. I went to a public kindergarten for one year. It was a joyous day when I managed to make it through a day and talk to someone or at least not cry. At least one day a week, I would end up being picked half way through the school day because I was crying.

I stopped crying in school frequently a few years ago (my teachers called it 'sensitivity': I believed them). Then, I just bottled everything up when I started intermediate; I tried to stop my mother from ruling my life. I tried to become a new person. With the help of a TV show name Phineas and Ferb, I managed to keep myself happy by saying 'Today is Gonna be a Great Day!'. I was known as the happy girl. I never hesitated when asked by someone for academic help. I would always see the bright side. I would make everyone's day.

Now, I'm stuck feeling like there's a black hole trying to reach my heart. I randomly feel like bursting into tears. I feel like I have no hope in my life. I feel like picking up the nearest sharp object and stabbing something. I'm afraid that next time, it will be me or worse, someone else.

I feel like the pressure is getting to me, that I'm starting to break. I feel as though I can't be happy anymore. I don't know if this is all the stress and pressure or not. I feel like there's something else eating at me. I don't have any idea what it is. I know why I'm sad. I can't work out why I'm being torn apart this time.

Maybe your mind is being exploded by all the intense feelings you've bottled up? It sounds like you have nobody who knows the real you. A single real friend would go a long way but I understand good friends can't be easily found. It sounds like you're under intense pressure and there are subtle threats against you if you don't conform.

If you've been forced to live with that fear and pretense your entire life you may not even be aware of how unnatural it is or how much energy it takes to keep going. You need to let your feelings out. Start a secret blog or vent here to us more understanding people. Find some private way to be yourself.

At your age I was spending a lot of time in ravines and forests following nature as a refuge from the pressures of seeming normal. I spent a lot of time in libraries too. Is there somewhere you can be where you're not always being judged and criticized?

Wow, I didn't have all these complex feelings when I was 13.

Somewhere where you can hang out and you know no one can bother you. Maybe get one of those little portable dvd players and go somewhere private and watch a movie in peace or something like that. If you could meet a "good friend" you can relate to would help.

I agree with MollyTroubletail, I believe that your pain is coming from bottled up emotion. It is hard to release such emotion when there are subtle threats controling your behaviour.

I know when I bottled up my feelings for a long time, I hurt from so many different things and I couldn't identify any particular source and it was very hard to start feeling genuinly better. It helped me a little to write down any and all identifiable stresses in an A4 pad, perhaps this could help you deal with the pain a bit. About this, it wasn't a diary, it was a place to release the sadness and anger.

I do hope things get better for you.

Thanks =) I think I'll try those things. I honestly don't have an 'alone place', although if I could choose to be in one place, it would be at the back of a book store.

I have a good friend I talk to a lot. She's two years older than me and she was the one who told me to come on here a couple of months ago. She sent me here again saying, "Post about yourself and what you're going
through on Wrong Planet in the 'haven' section. Or the 'members only'
section. People there are really nice."

She was right about that. On half the forums on the internet, that would've been met with insults.

There was a time when I was always trying to be the happy one. A time when I kept my problems to myself and than one day at work back in the 90s, somebody said something to me and I was crying off and on, for the rest of the day. The thing that pissed me off, is that they called a meeting to talk to my parents about me, the very next day. I had the worse summer of my life, needless to say. I don't miss 1998 at all.

I just f****d up the GRE. I was in a black hole for a little while. But it's not the first time I've failed at something and it's not gonna be the last. Life is full of pressure and it's only human to f**k up sometimes. Do the best you can and hope for things to work out. They will, but sometimes not how you expect them to. Let yourself be surprised - it's okay. In the meantime, distraction is wonderful.