i'm kind of crashing. or cracking. or something.

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yeah, so... i'm not feeling too great. actually, i'm downright crappy.

i am thisclose to quitting my job. i am lucky in that i have a government job. it is below my skill level but i am overpaid and i get along with some of my coworkers. the job itself is depressing nd people burn out rapidly (i talk to sad/angry/bitter/frustrated/broke unemployed people all day) and i have gotten just good enough at my work that i am bored. i am restless and i want to escape. as usual. i've never stayed at a job longer than 2 years, and i've been there 20 months.

i am also losing interest in everything i used to enjoy. making music, sex, hanging with friends, sewing, reading. nothing holds my attention right now (except for my current WP obsession).

i'm pushing away my friends. i had a big fight with one friend a week ago and i don't think our friendship will completely recover. i have a couple of other friends i see sometimes, but i don't enjoy being around them right now and i have become too irritable.

i have some kind of health issue going on and i will need to have some tests done. there is a 99.99% chance that it is nothing serious but in my mind it is 50/50: either i am sick... or i am not. it's either one or the other, and i can't process it in terms of the actual odds.

i am working hard to try to focus on the positive but i feel completely "off". i am not suicidal but i am hitting a very low point. i have had some issues with substance abuse and destructive behaviours in the past, and i am trying to learn to deal with stress, anxiety and depression appropriately.

i've been in a few rounds of therapy before. i think i should go again, maybe. i went to see an intake nurse for therapy about 3 months ago and he said i do not seem depressed to him. i don't think i was depressed at the time. i am not so sure now.

thanks for listening.

Just wanted to say I listened and I am sorry.
It sounds like a very big black dog of depression.

You come across as a tower of strength on here.
But maybe sometimes you just want other people to notice how much you are struggling.
And it is difficult to ask for help, because you aren't programmed that way.

(Apologies, I'm probably projecting my own feelings)

Anyway, I hope your health issue works out; you can only take it one step at a time, and deal with the results when they come. I am always much calmer when I know the worst I have to face.

Maybe (I don't know obviously) the fight with your friend and your job seem a lot worse than they actually are, because of your low mood.

Hope you get the support you need.

K.

memyselfI, thanks so much for replying! i think you hit the nail on the head. i tend to want to take care of people, and sometimes it even helps me with my own problems to support others. but eventually i have to take care of myself i guess. i also felt like once i had really been strong on WP, that i didn't want to show any weakness. but honestly i'm not sure what else to do at this point.

when i came back and reread what i had written, i realized that i posted a whole lot of information and symptoms without a lot of feelings in there. even now i have no idea how to say how i'm feeling. my instinct is to say "i'm crying", but that doesn't explain too much about what is actually going on inside of me.

i think you are correct that these things in my life are not that bad at all, but that i have completely lost perspective. i tend to sabotage things when ther are going really well, too.

i appreciate your response a great deal.

(also, thank you to the kind individuals who PM'd me. it means a lot).

Sorry you're down hyperlexian. I don't like showing my worst here either. I hope you get back your happiness soon, or one that's even better.

thanks Moog. sometimes when i feel like the ceiling is lowering, i don't know how to get the heck out of the room. i appreciate your support.

I think I understand how you feel. I don't have a job myself so I don't have to deal with that particular issue, though when I have had jobs in the past I have come to that breaking point when I can't stand it anymore even though nothing particularly bad has happened. It's like a groove that gets worn into my daily routine that it feels like I can't escape from (even things like seeing the same signs and stores on the way to work feels like a sentence that I can't escape). I don't know if that's how you feel.

I've had episodes of depression when everything feels unbearable for no outward reason. It's a struggle to get through every hour of the day but it's hard to say why.

What I have found to be helpful is to give myself a lot of downtime, try to get rid of as much stress as possible. If seeing your friends is hard right now, I would take a break, maybe let them know you need to regroup. What I do is curl up with a cup of tea and cookies and watch TV. I also like to do craft projects like crocheted animals and embroidered pillows, anything that keeps me mildly busy and that is comforting and that has some positive payoff (I can admire how cute the projects are when they're done, lame as that may sound ).

I hope you feel better as soon as possible.

bee33, that is some great advice. i need to refocus myself and remove some of the negativity. i actually love cute things too - adorableness really lifts my mood. i think i should play some Chuzzle to get overwhelmed with some sweetness!

i really like the metaphor of the groove worn into the daily routine... i need some change, but maybe instead of radically changing my job, i could take a university course through our faculty of extension. it would give me something to get my brain awake again.

there is a big part of me that thinks i don't deserve happiness and stability, so when things get happy and stable, i sabotage it all. therapy helped me with that, but i have a long way to go still.

i talked to some people IRL today, and with the combined assistance of people on the thread, people who PM'd me, and the real-life people, i think i'm going to be okay. sometimes it really helps me to shine a light into the deep dark corners of my brain and clean out the cobwebs.

thanks for the warm thoughts!