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Velociraptor
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05 Nov 2010, 8:57 am

I had an argument with my friend over a phrase I say "and how is that going", it referrs to all the events leading up to an event, but for some reason she had an issue with it that day. She kept arguin gwith me over it and i was annoyed and she whouldn't shut up so I hung up. I called back asking if I can get a word in so I can explain and she hung up on me saying that i was wrong for hanging up.

She hangs up on me all the time if I say something she doesn't like something I say or if I talk too much, but I can't? I found her to be a hypocrite and called her "a dumb f-ing bi**h" after I was upset. She does this to me often, she cursed me out and hangs up on me but I don't get so upset, I got upset at her hypocrisy. She now wont talk to me until I apologize and considering I only have two friends I should handle the situation.

What I don't get is, why? I was upset and I cursed her out, I was only upset because she wouldn't drop the argument, I even said "it's just a misunderstanding, we both just misinterpreted" but she wouldn't shut up and kept going on saying "no you were wrong", despite the fact I've been using this phrase for over a year.

I'm not sorry I cursed her out, I was mad, she was being dumb. I'm confused, she knows I wont apologize and if I do it's fake, so what's the point?



Last edited by Scanner on 05 Nov 2010, 10:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

sinsboldly
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05 Nov 2010, 9:09 am

People fake apologize all the time. They don't seem to care that it is hypocritical. Matter of fact, a lot of people don't think being hypocritical is a problem at all. :roll:

The problem here is what you think is fair is not what she thinks is 'fair'. Her criteria for 'fairness' is different from yours. Let her cool down. If she still wants to be your friend, expect her to expect YOU to let her run roughshod over you when she wants to, but you are not to give her a problem about it.

Friends like that, who needs enemies?


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leejosepho
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05 Nov 2010, 9:13 am

Scanner wrote:
... i was annoyed and she shouldn't shut up so I hung up. I called back asking if I can get a word in so I can explain ...

Let her know you now realize your timing was not good in calling her back so soon that day, and then let her know you would really like to work things out between you whenever *she* feels ready to do so.


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Velociraptor
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05 Nov 2010, 9:16 am

I've been her friend for a few years and she's been really unfair for the past year and a half. I want her to go back to how she was, I can't handle the imbalance.



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05 Nov 2010, 9:24 am

if she will not talk to you unless you apologize, then her pride must be more important to her than your friendship. if you will not apologize to her then your pride must be more important to you than her friendship. :shrug:



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Velociraptor
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05 Nov 2010, 10:15 am

wornlight wrote:
if she will not talk to you unless you apologize, then her pride must be more important to her than your friendship. if you will not apologize to her then your pride must be more important to you than her friendship. :shrug:


I can't just apologize because she'll know it wasn't from the heart. "i'm sorry you got upest" isn't good enough, neither is "sorry i got upset", I'm just not sorry I got upset because she was being a hypocrite so I don't understand. She admitted she was being hypocritical, but refuses to think she did anything wrong.

She says my Asperger's is the reason there is a strain on our friendship.



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05 Nov 2010, 10:34 am

This is difficult for everyone: reflect on your own mistakes. Look at yourself first, blame someone else later. You made a mistake: calling someone a "dumb f-ing b**ch" is wrong. Even if she was in fact behaving like that, it's still wrong. Realize that.

I'm not saying that she was right. She made mistakes too, just like you. Recognize your own mistakes and admit that you were wrong. This is not the same as apologizing. You simply state that you could have acted better. If you agree that you could have acted better in the situation, admit it. If you don't feel the need too apologize, then don't apologize. That's your choice. But think this over, for your own sake.

If you are able to recognize your own mistakes and to admit them, that will open up a room to talk this over. Then it's up to her to see what she did wrong and you can only hope that she does that.



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Velociraptor
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05 Nov 2010, 10:39 am

ari_ wrote:
This is difficult for everyone: reflect on your own mistakes. Look at yourself first, blame someone else later. You made a mistake: calling someone a "dumb f-ing b**ch" is wrong. Even if she was in fact behaving like that, it's still wrong. Realize that.

I'm not saying that she was right. She made mistakes too, just like you. Recognize your own mistakes and admit that you were wrong. This is not the same as apologizing. You simply state that you could have acted better. If you agree that you could have acted better in the situation, admit it. If you don't feel the need too apologize, then don't apologize. That's your choice. But think this over, for your own sake.

If you are able to recognize your own mistakes and to admit them, that will open up a room to talk this over. Then it's up to her to see what she did wrong and you can only hope that she does that.


Oh I told her that I was upset and over reacted already, she just hung up. This was a day later. She does the same things to me so I don't get why the world ends when it happens to her.



Chronos
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05 Nov 2010, 11:58 am

Honestly this doesn't sound like a healthy friendship.

I would not have put up with her hanging up on me or cussing me out. I don't do that to friends and I don't tolerate friends doing that to me.



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05 Nov 2010, 1:43 pm

First of all try to learn what I call the local language skills whose link one can see in my signature. "Rules" will teach you the second meaning of what you say. For e.g. "How is that going" means you are asking person's sexual life. "That" is referred to the person him/herself and now you know which part of the body "that" is. Particularly, when you attach the word "going" which means sex. Be careful to use this phrase in front of other. The other aspect of a conversation, according to me, is mind reading/empathy. I will post some rules on it sometime later. Say sorry if you have done something wrong even if you don't feel like saying ir and believe, as I used to, that you should preserve this word for the right occassion.



Last edited by daspie on 06 Nov 2010, 6:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

DemonAbyss10
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05 Nov 2010, 1:44 pm

My friends and myself, we had the whole "appologies don't do jack s**t" mentality. Appologies don't change what has or will happen. If any of us appologized to each other, the recipient would say that it doesn't really even matter/doesnt change the past.

I am the only one on the spectrum in the group, but that hasn't changed anything. Its nice that we all would just rather be straightforward with one another.


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ari_
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05 Nov 2010, 1:48 pm

Scanner wrote:
Oh I told her that I was upset and over reacted already, she just hung up. This was a day later. She does the same things to me so I don't get why the world ends when it happens to her.


You were upset and overreacted, and she did too. She may need (more) time to cool off and let things sink in. Give her some time to do that.

People can be self centered: if they do something it's okay, but if someone else does it it's not okay. She needs to realize that that is not good to do. Just remember one thing: people are illogical. Don't state that something she does is wrong, but tell her how it makes you feel.

It may be better to discuss this with her face to face. That solves the problem of hanging up on each other. Is it possible to do this?

You could call and tell her that you want to discuss this in person and not over the phone. And then ask her how she thinks about that. If she doesn't like that, there is not much you can do at that point. If she does, you have an entry point for your conversation.



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Velociraptor
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05 Nov 2010, 3:03 pm

DemonAbyss10 wrote:
My friends and myself, we had the whole "appologies don't do jack sh**" mentality. Appologies don't change what has or will happen. If any of us appologized to each other, the recipient would say that it doesn't really even matter/doesnt change the past.

I am the only one on the spectrum in the group, but that hasn't changed anything. Its nice that we all would just rather be straightforward with one another.


That's nice, my friend isn't straight forward at all. It's like a game talking to her sometimes and I have to be so fake as to not step on toes, it's very annoying.

Just about everyday I talk to her I get annoyed at some point because she just does something or says something that's so illogical.

Can't talk to her face to face.

She's one of those very traditional people and she believes someone should apologize for something, and if they don't then they're wrong and don't care.



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05 Nov 2010, 10:57 pm

I think she should be the one to apologize for not listening and shutting up. I mean what did she expect?

My rule of thumb is I never apologize if someone owes me an apology first but however if I see I was in the wrong first and that I started it, I will apologize.

One thing I never got was why someone should apologize if they didn't even start it or if they were the victim. I always thought the bad guys should apologize first and whoever started it. I never understood why it was the other way around. To me that is just stupid. I remember refusing to apologize in 6th grade for hitting these kids because they were the ones picking on me so why should I apologize for defending myself? They should have been the ones to apologize first for picking on me and then I would have been next for sticking up for myself.



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Velociraptor
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06 Nov 2010, 12:11 am

Before we even got into the bigger argument I tried to just drop it but she wouldn't. It was really annoying.

I figure she'll talk to me at some point.



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06 Nov 2010, 12:31 am

you seem like a person that one would get into arguments with.