inferior

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I really don’t see a point anymore. To continue just seems like a waste of effort. I feel as though I’m just wasting resources and time; both of which could be redistributed to more deserving recipients. I can try as hard as the limitations set upon me will allow but in the end my contribution isn’t satisfactory; this extends to both social and intellectual areas. I just feel inadequate in everything I do; even in conveying the severity in which these feeling present themselves. It doesn’t seem likely that I will do anything significant with my life and these mental and emotional constraints will prevent me from even enjoying or appreciating anything I experience or do with any real depth.

I know that I’m depressed; but my depression isn’t the result of some event that has amenable content. Rather it’s caused by a continuous awareness of my limitations. In every conversation I have, in every intellectual pursuit I take on, it all points to my deficits and my contribution is shadowed by potential excellence. The wrecking ball of reason is destroying any and all protective emotional barriers of my ego. The walls (that once kept me safe within my own shadow) surrounding me are crumbling and light is illuminating my true stature for the first time. In the past I stood only in the shadows of my own construction but now I stand before others and excellence in general. Even if I had proper coping mechanisms I don’t see how it would help. Anything I do is in futility and I just don’t feel anything is worth it anymore.

Not even sure what I want in response to this. It’s a cry for help that can’t be answered. Maybe I want pity and maybe I’m looking for somebody to empathize with. Either way the manner in which I’m seeking is crude and selfish. blah

It is totally okay to ask for help when you need it. I do not perceive your post as crude or selfish.

I get the impression that you have the feeling that you have to be perfect, that you have to leave behind some major contribution to the greater scheme of things. I used to feel like that myself.

But if you give it a moment's thought... How many people are currently living on planet Earth and how many have been living on it in the past? Quite a lot, I would say. And how many of those have left a major contribution or are widely considered to be perfect? Very few, if any.

I think that you are expecting too much of yourself, that you are puting yourself under too much pressure. You do not have to excel. As long as you feel all right with your life, there is no need to be one of those few people who fullfill those virtually unattainable standards.

I would advice you to relax a bit and find something that makes you feel all right and happy, even if it is not something perfect or excelling. Try to accept your limitations and find a compromise between them and what you want to make out of your life. I am not telling you to resign and give up, but rather to find a path for yourself to follow that will allow you to assume a somewhat more relaxed attitude.

And if you find that you need a bit more of consolation, you can always come back and ask for it; no sensible person would consider that behaviour rude. *friendly smile*