Dealing with the DEPRESSION

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I feel thats it eating me, little by little, at my brain, everyday, for the past 6 years now. Im on welabutrin, but I fantasize my suicide almost every other day. I don't know how to deal with it because no matter what I do, the truth remains the same, there is no escaping yourself.

Only advice I hear, and trust me, Ive searched this thouroughly is,

1. Think Positivly
2. Excercise
3. Dont do drugs

How can I think positive, my rigid ways of thinking arent going to change.

SO I dont know what 2 do.

First of all, maybe this should be moved to The Haven? Maybe you can get more of the kind of feedback you are looking for, there. I will ask a mod to move it.

And, I struggle with depression too. There are no easy answers out there. I have slowly reduced the depression to a manageable level, by getting support and doing a lot of journaling. Over time, by reading past journal entries when I have been feeling suicidal, I began to recognize a pattern, and learned to nip it in the bud before it got out of hand. You are taking a positive first step; reaching out and asking for help. I hope you regain your equilibrium soon!

I am not a doctor, but as I understand it, medication for depression is generally highly variable. For example, a particular antidepressant will help some people but won't help other people at all, but even then, you might want to be a little careful about abruptly discontinuing it because your body and your biochem sometimes gets used to it.

And like so many things, you've got to have a doctor you can halfway talk with, and I know that's easier said than done. Some doctors just aren't worth a durn as far as communication.

And it's not like Dr. Beverly Crusher and her tricorder. I'm just continually amazed at how inexact medicine is.

For example, I was interested in the swine flu and I looked up some references. And okay, if there's flu in the area and someone has symptoms and then their chest X-ray shows signs of pneumonia there is not really a good way of telling, well, is it direct viral pneumonia or is it a secondary bacteria pneumonia?---so you treat for both. And this from the New England Journal of Medicine, which is as good as it gets, at least for right now. You treat for both, and that's not always done right now. In this particular study of hospitalized potential/probably pneumonia patients, almost all of them got an antibiotic, but only about three-quarters of them also got an antiviral (like Tamiflu). Well, so it could be worse, I mean, three-quarters is not terrible, but it could also be better.
http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/ful ... 906695#R10
See also my whole post if you're interested http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts110484-start15.html (last post on this page)

So what does this have to do with depression? Well, it has to be a ping-ponging back and forth. Try something, see how well it works, try something else, see how it works, perhaps adjust it, then perhaps down the road try a new thing that looks promising.

Some doctors are able to do this, and some aren't. Some doctors are huffsters and can barely stand to admit that they're "wrong," even though they're not. This is just the nature of treating depression.

There's a book BECOMING A DOCTOR by Melvin Konner from '92, so it's dated, but I got a lot out of it. And there's a part in the beginning where he touches upon that if something's working, keep doing it, and if something's not working, stop doing it---and it's kind of a zen simplicity just to accept this (my words). But really, I think people might almost be better off reading business management books and books about entrepreneurs, preferrably autobiographies, which might show more of a healthy interchange between theory and practice and that one has got to adopt to changing circumstances. Everyone preaches this, but a lot of people don't have the disposition to do this, including a lot of so-called professionals.

Have you asked yourself why you're thinking about suicide? I'm finding that it's helping me with my suicidal thoughts, it may help you to discuss it with someone you can trust instead of just thinking about it.

As someone else has probably said, your meds may not be the best for your body chemistry, some meds can cause suicidal thoughts to increase.

About the positive thoughts thing, I find positive messages on sticky notes around the places where I look most (beside the telephone, on or near the comp monitor etc) can help me think more positively about things if I'm not too low emotionally. Excercise can also help lift the mood, more active can be better than less active because it can distract/derail a negative state more easily. Hope this helps somewhat.

Take a page from zen. Okay, I have rigid thoughts, so be it. This book on psychology tells me I ought not have rigid thoughts, well, screw it, okay, that's what I have.

You want to try stuff loosey goosey fashion and be open to new things. But there's no guarantee for none of it. Sometimes things work out, and sometimes for whatever quirksville reason, things don't. Just keep trying. That’s the important thing.

Okay, one thing, I've gotten a lot out of political activism. Now, like any other group, there is hierarchical aspects, people do posture, who has the best idea, often whatever member is defined as the highest status. Still, even so, outside chance might meet some kind of interesting people. Maybe surf the Internet day of the meeting and find a recent news story and if you take that to two-thirds of the meetings, with a light touch, and that part's a little tricky, so don't invest that much in it, don't fake it, really don't invest that much into it. And also, perhaps the single most valuable thing, if someone is being verbally attacked ( again, just like any other group), maybe say something like 'hey, we're all learning, we're all getting better at this.' No guarantee with this either, but in general, it is so much easier defending someone else than defending yourself! And this is something I'm proud of when I can pull it off. And defending someone else improves my skill set for defending myself, it’s reciprocal, there’s a positive transfer of skills back and forth.

Okay, I'm going to reveal something a little personal. Either though I've been a member of Amnesty International, even though I'm largely a pacifist and have protested war (I think in philosophical terms, the type of pacifist I am is a 'contingent pacifist'), at times I also find fantasies about dominant-submissive sexuality tremendously exciting and these are among my favorite fantasies. Rather a conflict, yeah, I'd say so, and something I felt considerable guilt about for quite a while. Finally decided, trying to be just the 'good' version of myself is truncated. I'd rather be the full-bodied version of myself. Several years ago, I went to a Shadowlane spanking party (it was in Vegas, of course it was in Vegas!) It was overwhelming, it was a little ambitious going to something by yourself, but I'm glad I went. Learned some stuff, might go a future time.

So, don't live just the narrow 'good' version of yourself. Live the full-bodied version. And be open to new things, not as some dry obligation, that’s no good, but as an open possibility, maybe you will and maybe you won’t.

I can't tell you how many times I've been told to think positively. It's not easy when you're depressed, sometimes you can't bounce back like others do. Exercise works for me, as well as getting out in the sun and drawing,writing, or watching a funny movie.

Well, I have no idea if this will work for others, but because I am really into philosophy, I have found that reading others' philosophies can help when I am depressed, especially when they deal with being different. Assuming your depression rises from being different and alone, read about Socrates and his infinitely wise view of the common view not necessarily being right. Or Nietzsche's view of happiness only being acquired through struggle and difficulty. I have a purely excellent book - The Consolations of Philosophy, by Alain de Botton - that has helped me get through my most stressful moments. I would recommend it to anybody with a head for simple philosophy and depression. Not sure if it will work for you, but in minutes it can turn me raging depression to excitedly striding around the room determined to make a difference.