How do people cope.

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So hi im so new, think this is like my second post.
And forgive me but go figure i'm completely inept at articulating myself.

First of all to begin im 26 female currently living with my eternally patient fiancee.
In his mothers closet >_<. Hes disabled and just got on government support. so we cant afford to live elsewhere atm.

Anyway the big problem is I feel like utter s**t, I havent had a job in 5 years. on top of everything else I have severe social anxiety with mutism do to child hood abuse.

Whenever I would act like a "weirdo" my parents would beat me severely with a baseball bat, and lock me in the closet for days...

At the age of 12 I was raped by my step brother, and my parent decided to teach me a lesson about what happens to sluts by locking me in a room that was partially on fire... They were very christian and the girl is always to blame in those situations... duh ~_~

Anyways after that last incident I kinda shut off to the world... I cant even get them punished because there is no evidence 10 plus years later.. and my family all know im a sociopath cause asperger's doesnt exsist.

I come from a long line of stupid and they hated that I was doing highschool level work in gradeschool..
Being smart makes your brothers look dumb so stop it right.........

I had a few jobs that my parents got me working for their friends, and they took most of my money... hell they rented my first car to me. they gave my older and lil brother 3 cars each.....

Anyways when I was 22 I finally got the nerve to jump on a bus to washington state {originaly from texas, currently in stupid florida}

By chance I met my fiancee and moved in with him and a few years later decided we didnt hate each other so why not get married right?

anyway Like I said I feel like a total leech on him already being disabled himself....
and being dirt poor I cant afford real medical help or therapy..

So anyone else out there have a story like this?
And if so how do you cope?

I havent left my literal closet in forever, every sunday we go to a non religious " church" ive met a few friends there with aspergers which helped me not feel alone.... but with my complete inability to converse even through sign language that has been mostly pointless.

but I want out I want to work, I want friends, I want a life,,, I was homeschooled so I dont even have a highschool diploma. lol my fiancee thinks my parents should be shot for that alone. taking a smart child and ruining their educational career.

I want to go to college I want to study anthropology. but I cant get out of my shell.

Hell I live with four other people beside my fiancee and they all no not to speak to me cause I dont respond...

I hate myself and this shell I let my parents force me into... when I was a kid I was outgoing and fun, a freaking wierdo maybe but I thought I was doing ok.

It just feels like my life ended before puberty and I dont know how to fix.

Im also afraid of losing my fiancee because im distant.... he tries so hard but how long can he tolerate it right?
hes a very passionate man, and to me sex is a strategy game do the right things in the right order and make him happy
he is often depressed by the fact that I stair into space during sex that I dont seem like I like having sex with him....
its not that i dont its that its a different experience for me, yaknow.....

anyways long stupid ramble.....

Anyways any advice on how to fix myself... I cant even go to a diner for coffee without a days notice to get ready....

Im currently on clonazepam or however its spelt buts thats a baby sedative..
And I want to FIX me not take drugs my life. ill never be normal I get that...
But I just wanna find my mask again....

Anyways thanks for reading anyone with the proper cypher that is

if this is in the wrong place let me know I just had to get this stuff off my chest.

-Seyrah the nutcase.

A non-religious church? It actually sounds like a good idea. Even an atheistic pig like me could attend just for the community of it. Good luck on your upcoming marriage. Besides the fact you have no job, you still seem to have found the right man. If you're feeling bored, you can always volunteer at a food pantry, animal shelter, or environment cleanup organization.

There is nothig worse than feeling "plateau'ed"; that is, you've achieved everything you set out to achieve and now you're just coasting along till death. I'm light years away from reaching my plateau so I still have a ways to go. Who knows? You might turn around and have kids one day. That'll keep you busy.

I'm a Christian (self-diagnosed) aspie and let me start by saying that I am truly sorry you had to go through that. Not all of us are monsters and it sounds like your parents have some serious psychological issues of their own. Sadly though, that knowledge does not undo the horrible damage they did to you. The only thing I can think to say is that you need to be in some form of therapy with someone who is qualified to deal with both autistic issues and abuse issues. Sadly though, I tend to think that they go hand in hand more often than anybody realizes. Right now, you probably have social issues far greater than the ones that come from your autism stemming from your abusive childhood. You need to get help for them and you need to communicate this very clearly to your health care provider. If it will help, print out what you posted here and hand it to them as it sounds like you have difficulty with verbal communication. You write well though and explained your problem quite clearly in your post. As this is the case, perhaps bringing a laptop or even some paper and a pen to your next appointment would help you communicate these issues better.

Yeah I really need to get actual therapy, but im living on like 100 bucks a month atm. and its hard to find people to do work for free..

Im currently trying to get through disibility to help me pay the bills and such untill I can work aain...
but thats a 6 month plus wait...

ive been told Im gonna get it cause im pretty obviously broken.
but its the wait thats killing me.. I have like no patience lol..

Than ks for actually replying guys im so used to just being ignored everywhere I look for help..


-Seyrah

I would go to the mental health hospital and see if they have a program to help you. You are what would be considered indigent, and in most cases that means you will qualify for assistance from programs like Medicaid free of charge. I did this for a friend of mine and his financial situation is better than yours, yet he gets his treatment free of charge. All he has to pay is $5 per prescription as a co-pay. It's not as hopeless as you think. There is help available for those who seek it. In fact, I am thinking of trying to get it myself to see if I qualify for help with my own depression and anxiety issues.