I have been having an awful week. For five days now I have barely slept (about 2 hours a night if I am lucky), and have hardly eaten(Just a couple bagel bites). I really have no one to talk to since I can no longer afford to see my therapist and lack any real close friends. I've never really said any of the things I am about to say before, so bare with me if I struggle.
When I was younger I was just like any normal kid. I had friends, I enjoyed activity, school came easy. Life was just all around good. In middle school I started picking up weight. As I gained more and more weight, I withdrew more and more, and was very antisocial. It continued on into high school. Somewhere around my freshman year I reached 300 lbs. At this point I had hardly any friends and absolutely no one that I talked to outside of school. I was so afraid of social situations I would fake sick and yell and scream at my mother to let me stay home. I missed around 140 days of school, and almost got kicked out. My grades suffered and most teetered between barely passing and failing. Outside of school I never left my house. I was too afraid to do simple things like visit a shopping center or go to a restaurant. I started playing World of Warcraft (WoW) and became completely consumed by it, even to this day it is still my obsession. In my junior year I started rapidly losing weight, mostly due to me not being willing to eat as I played WoW. I still had no social interaction and would skip school because I would stay up until 5AM playing the game. My social anxiety became worse and worse and eventually I told my mother (for the first time) I was just unable to attend school. I ended up dropping out. Several weeks later I easily passed my GED, and it was around this time that I started seeing my Therapist who diagnosed me with aspergers. Time went on and I eventually got better and better with help of my therapist. I started being able to handle doing everyday things like going to the grocery store and visiting a restaurant.
Fast several years and I am no finishing my first semester in college (even if it is a Community College) with good grades and being a much more productive person. I still play WoW, but I can truly stop at any time, and have much more control over my obsession, not the other way around. I also lost all my weight and am now around 160 lbs, and actually like the way I look. You would think I would be very happy, and doing well. But I am not. I am miserable. I still have made no friends, and hardly have any social interaction with people my age. I look around at the world around me and see people happy and merry with loads of friends and busy lives doing common things like going to parties, or even just hanging out with friends. I have never really experienced those things and want to so desperately. I just don't know how. As a person I am so timid and so shy, I find it so hard to approach anyone, even when people approach me I appear uninteresting and boring. I am awful at conversing with others and find it hard to talk about anything outside of maybe three things (WoW, sports, and maybe old memories). I just wish I was normal.
Everything up to this point is my attempt at showing you my life as I have seen it. The real reason I am just feeling utterly depressed lately is a girl. I really like her, shes amazing. When I am with her I am happier than I knew possible. When I am not, I sit there anxious and feel sick to my stomach. She has a lot of friends and often talks to them more than me. She says she really likes me and that we are like really close, but then she gives me little attention compared to other guys. The other guys are outgoing and fun to be around, and I am shy and awkward. I can completely understand why she or anyone else would rather hang out around them, and I do not blame her at all. I just desperately wish that I was fun like them and could have her attention. So a couple nights ago I told her how I felt and that i was being really emo and I wanted more attention. I expected her to tell me i was weird and she just did not want to talk to me anymore. Instead she told me that we were really close and that she wants to be my friend, she told me I am awesome and like her favorite. The next day I try talking to her and we exchange meaningless words for 3-4 minutes. And she ignores me completely the rest of the day. I once again try to tell her and she just does not seem to care. I do not know what to do because all I want is to talk to her and be her friend and she just does not seem to reciprocate that feeling at all. I have so many different ideas rushing to my head and I just wish I could get her to notice the way I feel.
23 Nov 2010, 11:53 am
