Spontaneity hurts, people hurt

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(What I describe here is just one example of an incident that has happened multiple times.)

My friend calls me, all happy, asking if I want to go out now, and saying that she can pick me up in a few minutes.
I, not being able to deal with that kind of spontaneity, freak out and snap at her without meaning to, and ask her why she keeps doing this thing of never giving me any notice of things.
She doesn't and never will understand how stressful it is for me to change plans at the last minute, so she's hurt because in her eyes, I've snapped at her for no reason.
I'm now frustrated because I don't think it's that hard to give a weeks notice if she wants me to go out with her, and more so feeling really, really awful for snapping at her when she was just being nice and friendly.

It's not just the change thingy that makes me require prior notice of socialising- since I fail at life, I don't earn a lot, so I need to know to save money if I'm doing something this weekend. Of course, though, the solution to that is easy- just ask the Employment Fairy to find me a job with more/more reliable hours. It's not like I've tried and tried endlessly to find more work.

I wish I could get through to people just how difficult spontaneity is for me- to them, it's just going out on the spur of the moment, but with the way my brain reacts- well, you know those lists of major life changes that are supposedly extremely stressful? That's what minor changes and small acts of spontaneity feel like to me.

I feel really, really bad. It seems that I can either push myself beyond my ability to cope, or hurt people.
I feel like hurting myself.

Have you explained that you've got aspergers to this person? Obviously you've upset her but it sounds like she really doesn't understand why you snapped at her. If you have explained to her already and she still gets like this then she is obviously a bit ignorant and will probably never accept your difficulty.

Don't feel bad about yourself. You can't help the way you are. It is not just you're being stubborn or rude it is a genuine part of your disability. Personally the way I see it is if someone can't accept the way you are, and is not willing to change for you to make it easier for you than they aren't your real friend. A real friend will do anything to make their friends feel better.

seconded.

*awkward aspie hug

She knows. The thing is, though, we have been friends for years, but it's only recently that I've been unable to do the things that she wants me to do socially.

The real problem here is this:

That was honestly my conclusion. Which is why I gave up on friendship. Being in one makes me either terrified or guilty depending on how assertive I am.

Even if they forgive you, the problem doesn't really go away. And it's far from the only one.
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But, heck, if it's only recently that you've been unable to cope then maybe your ability to cope is just worn down from stressful but unrelated events. I think your friend could understand that.

Who am I, that is your username, that is a good question. Get to know yourself and you will learn to love yourself.

Yeah spontaneity is hard if you are worried about money. I would also like to know things head of time that will involve spending money so I know to save for it so I don't buy anything else I need or things that needed to be done. Sometimes I hate my money obsession and think my life be so much easier if I wasn't so worried about it.

Do you think you have an easier time with spontaneity if you earned a lot?

That's why I am always saving and never wanting to go out or spend my money because I am always afraid of unexpected things that will cause us to spend our money and what if we didn't have enough? So I always like to be prepared and it does cause problems for my husband he decided to take care of the finances. He decided it was too stressful for me.

I think it's just the extra demands of adulthood causing problems; something had to give, and that something seems to be my ability to deal with social demands.
It was easier in high school when we first met, as we saw each other for clearly delineated time periods, with fairly clearly set out activities, and it was ok to have no money, because generally speaking, teenagers don't have much money.
Now she's moved into a full-time job and more flexible sociability, and I've stayed the same as I was.



I made that username a few years back during a period of severe depression when I wasn't even enjoying my primary special interest- it made me wonder what was left of me.
I don't dislike myself, but I am right now feeling really, really discouraged with myself and with life.



Maybe a little, but the problem I have with spontaneity is more of ASD-related inflexibility than anything.