Feeling socially trapped - thoughts?

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If you will allow me to explain...

Right now I'm stuck in this mundane yet really annoying situation at home. My husband has been out all day with his friends while I stayed at home and did uni work. Which is fine obviously, but then he came back at about 6pm with one of his friends in tow. Now I really like this guy, he's lovely and not a bad bone in his body. But it's past 10pm and he's still here. I have been waiting all day to spend some time with my husband, especially as it is one of our last days together before the end of my Christmas break when I will be back at uni full time. Like I say, my husband's friend is a really nice guy but I have trouble relaxing around anyone other than my husband. I am ok with socialising for a bit but I have a limit after which I have to either be alone, or just be with my husband. I guess i've reached that limit. Also, i haven't had any dinner tonight because my husband and I always eat together! My husband hasn't eaten either and I think he is also feeling a bit awkward and doesn't know how to ask his friend to leave, partly cos he's such a nice guy! For hours they've just been sitting there watching videos on youtube or looking at music software or some s**t. There isn't even room for me on the couch so I feel doubly uncomfortable! So I sit there with them for a while, get bored and then go back upstairs to my computer. Then after a while my husband comes up and is all like, why aren't you hanging out with us? and so i go downstairs and the same thing happens, I get bored and make an excuse to go and do something else. This has happened 3 or 4 times this evening. I have now told them I'm going to have a bath just so I can escape for a bit. It doesn't solve the problem of me being extremely hungry though!

I don't know, I guess I was just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this situation. I feel socially trapped and really awkward and don't know what the 'normal' response would be. So instead i'm going to hide in the bath. Haha

I hate this kind of thing. Used to happen a lot with my first wife, my current wife understands my limitations and would never put me in this situation. Ultimately it is your husbands responsibility to handle this unwanted guest as he brought him into the house. Not really sure what you can do right now short of being direct and asking him make this guy leave, but it seems that a conversation with your husband is warranted to prevent this from happening again.

Hiding in the bath sounds perfectly reasonable to me, but as I'm a bit off, that doesn't mean much. And I'd bring a snack.

Come to think of it, I might just leave the house. Go for a drive or a walk. If this is not typical behavior for you I think your husband will get the picture fairly quickly.

Oh yeah.. that happens to me WAY too often.
My wife wants to go out so I go.. then I'm just sitting there bored out of my mind.
So she ends up going without me and I sit at home feeling a bit trapped by the situation.
If people come over I hit a threshold and leave and face the same 'don't be a party pooper' reaction.
It's a fine line

Direct communication is the key, here. Try to smile, then say to your husband: "Hey, honey, can I talk to you for a minute? Excuse me, <friendsname>."

Then motion to your husband to join you in another room where you can speak privately, and tell him what you just told us here. Print it out and hand it to him if you're having trouble speaking.

Everything you have described sounds perfectly reasonable. It's your last day together, you can't really relax until the friend leaves, you're hungry and you haven't eaten because eating with your husband is part of your routine. All of this is normal stuff even for NT people. The friend has overstayed his welcome. It's late. It's time for the friend to go home.

Your husband can say to the friend (and it IS your husband's job to do this, because the guy is HIS guest), "Well, <friendsname>, it's getting late, it's about time we call it a night. Thanks for coming by." And that's that.

If you're not able to do that, I do suggest that, later on, you tell your husband what this night was like for you, and how you found it very hard to speak up.

For future situations, I would strongly suggest you and the husband come up with a sort of code word or code phrase that means "I need to speak with you privately right now". Something that neither of you would say usually but that won't sound too obvious. The situation you are in is avoidable but it requires communication.

I just feel like this whole situation could have been avoided with proper communication ahead of time. On your end, it would have been better if you had said to him "This is our last night together and I really want to spend it with you alone." And on his end, it would have been better if he had called you, privately, to ask whether you were up for having guests over. Either one of these things would have helped prevent your current situation.

And, certainly, I think the friend should have thought to say something to the effect of "well, it's getting late" and see whether your husband responded with "aw, you don't have to go yet" or "yeah, same here, it's been great seeing you". It's not proper to just linger indefinitely in someone else's house, particularly when other people (you) live there and have their own needs in terms of privacy in their space.

I can't tell from your description what your husband meant when he said "why aren't you hanging out with us?" Was he really asking and genuinely wanting to know how you were feeling, or was he just complaining and thinking of you as antisocial? If he really wanted to know how you felt; great, maybe you can talk with him to help come up with a way to be honest when he asks you. But if he was just being judgemental and assuming that you should want to hang out until a late hour watching youtube videos with HIS friend (not your friend) and ignoring your need for food... if he already thought there wasn't any good reason for you to withdraw from the situation... that's not right of him. He should be proactive in asking about how you're doing and what you need, particularly in light of you possibly having AS.

If your husband reacts badly to direct communication, that is a very bad sign about him. No one should explode at someone else just for stating their feelings calmly and without insult. If your husband becomes hostile, accusing, engages in name-calling or belittling or any of that, I do very much recommend you speak with a counselor about it. That's abusive behavior, and it can be difficult to see it from the inside of the relationship.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I know it may not be your nature, but it is possible to just tell the guy without being rude.

Just go into the room and say "All right, [guest], I'm kicking you out - I need my husband to myself for awhile," and hand him his coat, and say "Off you go," and hold the door open for him.

Just smile when you say it. If he's half the nice guy you say he is, he'll understand.

You could do an exagerrated yawn and say how tired you are. Say you're heading to bed soon and ask the friend if he'd like to sleep on the couch for the night?

That should encourage him to head on his way without being rude (unless he's really trying to avoid home for some reason).

For future events, maybe have a code word between you and your husband that means 'time to call it quits'. That's what my bf and I do; it's very handy for things like bartering/deciding whether to tip or not etc..

Honestly, given that the husband married a (possible) Aspie, it's entirely possible that this friendly, sweet friend is entirely obtuse about not overstaying his welcome: I'd be afraid that the guy would actually take them up on the offer! I like the "all right, buddy, I'm kickin' you out!" approach, said with a smile: that way there's no ambiguity.

Hey, Lene: I love the code word idea. My boyfriend and I were trying to come up with one the other day but we couldn't think of anything: we either thought of things that would blend in too well (and not be noticed) or that were way too obvious (and that would probably be noticed in mixed company). What did you end up using?

Honestly, given that the husband married a (possible) Aspie, he may have other people around him who have social differences: it's entirely possible that this friendly, sweet friend of his is entirely obtuse about not overstaying his welcome. I'd be afraid that the guy would actually take them up on the offer! I like the "all right, buddy, I'm kickin' you out!" approach, said with a smile: that way there's no ambiguity.

Hey, Lene: I love the code word idea. My boyfriend and I were trying to come up with one for just this purpose the other day, but we couldn't think of anything: we either thought of things that would blend in too well (things either of us might miss) or that were way too obvious (and that would probably be noticed in mixed company). What did you end up using? Even if it's too personal to be useful, I'd like to know about the phrase's attributes, it might help me come up with one of my own.

[Edit] Actually, Lene, I decided to start a thread about this technique, perhaps you could answer there.

Will do

I felt the same way, during my high school years. I was glad to get out of that school.

THANK YOU for all your suggestions and i'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. The situation turned out ok in the end - my husband's friend had left by the time I came out of the bath, and I was able to get a small snack before bed. It turned out my husband was also feeling really awkward and didn't know how to ask his friend to leave, which was what I thought might have been the case. I told him in future he needs to be more firm when it's his friend who is outstaying their welcome. He understood and was really apologetic. I was a bit upset but it wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. It just seemed like one at the time, when I felt trapped in my own home! I feel like i'm learning quite a lot lately about how to negotiate codes of behaviour etc. I think we will definitely be allocating a code word for use in such situations in future, that's a really good idea.