Lost much more than just a girl

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Hello,

I don't know if I should be posting this here, but I need some advice.

So I met a girl last year and we were close to getting together last summer. But she said she wasn't ready and ask me to wait. Until I blew it during a week vacation by being too jealous. Since then, things have gone backwards and I decided to cut off ties three weeks ago.

During the summer, she dragged me into doing all those cool activities and made me meet her friends. I really like it, I felt like, for the first time in my life, I was entering an environment in which I could really fit in. I think I had never been as happy as back then.

So, now, I'm not only missing the girl (that I really thought was the perfect girl for me) but everything that went with her. I feel like I've lost everything.

People often say cutting off ties was the best thing to do, but I'm starting to doubt it. I know I have to forget her, but I'm afraid that if I forget how happy I was last summer, I'll continue to live my crappy life like I was doing before I met her until one day I wake up and realise how miserable my life is and how better it could have been if things had gone differently.

Since then, I've been really depressed and have no more hope and motivation...

I may be wrong, but to me, this is more than just a heartache. The people I've been talking to don't seem to understand it.

Hugs :O)

I remember what it was like to lose someone. A few years ago is happened. It's too painful to talk about. Don't let it change who you are. Keep enjoying the things that you love and keep being yourself.

One thing I know is that if you have major work to do on yourself, those things are going to come out in a serious relationship. It is painful to lose someone you grew so attached to, and if you have issues, that feelling of loss is compounded even more. I don't know you, nor do I know your situation...but maybe what others saw was the end result of you in a deep relationship that you may not be ready to handle...so they see the best answer for you was to break it up. You did say you became very jealous, maybe what you need to do is to develop who you are. Maybe you need a counselor to help you fix things in your life. I wish I had done that. I am now 43 yr. old and wasted a lot of time in a serious relationship that in the end did not last, why??? Many reasons, but the main problem I now know is that I wasn't ready. Wasn't ready in order for it to work, and I wasn't even ready in terms of picking the right one for me. If you heal yourself, find yourself, do things that will make you happy...find what they are....you get yourself in a good place first, and then you will have a better chance of making decisions that are healthy for you. Please give it time.....and the pain will go away! I promise you that.

I so sorry you're going through this. I don't think many people understand situations like this. They tell you it's best to have no contact, but why? People say because then you are not reminded, but you're dwelling anyway. They don't understand that you really do not want to be in "no contact" with her. Am I understanding this so far?

To all other forum readers: I know I'm taking an unpopular stand on this, but it's about time. I just don't think no contact (unless there is some sort of abuse involved) is the best way to handle issues. Everyone is going to get on my case about her having rights, but what about her responsibility to him. I believe him when he says that she lead him to believe this could become a real relationship (meeting her friends, etc.). Sure, he was jealous, but how much of that jealousy might have been provoked? I don't know the details of the relationship, but I cannot believe that he is 100% to blame for the problems.

I think as a whole in our society, we need to rethink relationships as a whole. Well over 50% of marriages end in divorce. In the US, our politial structure has become so polarized that we fail to talk. Statistics show that people under the age of 30 prefer texting over talking; I wonder if some of this has to do with the fear of confrontation (fear of the phone goes beyond just being an Aspie trait). Listening as a whole is not a skill that is taught. Of reading, writing, speaking, and listening, schools take the most time teaching writing, followed by reading second. Speaking is somewhat taught, but mostly in terms of public speaking. Listening is rarely taught. It's hard to have quality relationships without listening.

Sorry OP, just up on my soapbox.

Maybe you should rethink the no contact and see if there is any way to maintain it at some level if she is agreeable.

I have been in a similar situation. I have regreted cutting off contact. I only did it because that's what everyone told me to do.

Thanks for your post. It's given me much to think about.

I would try to apologize for your behavior (but don't grovel) and be honest with her. Tell her you really like her and this feeling is new to you so your actions came as a suprise even to yourself. DON'T tell her the part about wanting to eventually have a family.
Do your best to convince her to be your friend again and try to be cool. Not cool like Fonzie, I mean relaxed about the "relationship" side of it. You guys have a relationship-- you're friends. If you're not friends first you'll never be anything else. The rest will devolop over time, or it won't. Either way it sounds like you're happier with her in your life than not.

Mulțumesc

I've just sent her an e-mail, asking to resume the waltz lesson I had started to take with her. Not the best way to get over her, but I would really like to know how to dance the waltz.

Man, that really does hurt and I remember only this year this has actually happened to me infact only just more than 2 months ago and yes, it STILL affects me in so many ways, it HURTS!

I managed to get my heart refilled in the end but it all happened so unexpectly I guess, maybe things could turn around, who knows what the future can hold?

Oh and yes, she sounded like a cool person and jealousy is one of the worst feelings to ever go through and boy, I remember my ex being really jealous and then POW, drama comes.

Have you tried apologising to her?


- SBI.

Why get over her? I know your story isn't posted.. but you simply said things went downhill cuz you were jealous. I mean did she kiss another guy? Text a male friend of hers and put too many smiley faces?

Relationships are tough, relationships are empowering.. that being said--I STILL wouldn't get back into a relationship with her just because of indirect perks.

Problems and misunderstandings happen even in the best relationships. If you still care about her and if she still cares about you, then all is not lost. Life is not one constant reset button. I do not believe that there is any couple that has not had to "weather" some storms, that's life and that's love.

Good Luck!