A story. Warning: very long. Possibly incoherent.

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Three really is the most magic of numbers. Even I am divided up into three parts. The crazy, the perfect, and the different. All three of us have different names, I guess. The crazy doesn’t have a name; that’s kinda her name - she’ll respond to anything you throw at her. The crazy doesn’t really fit where she is, wherever that is. The crazy one is always messing up. She’s the one who does things wrong. She speaks when she should remain silent, shuts up when she’s supposed to be heard. She dresses wrong, acts wrong. But the Crazy doesn’t mind, why should she? After all, she is crazy. Isn’t she? She always acts like it. Then again, how could she be where she is, if she shouldn’t be there? There Crazy goes again, becoming all philosophical. Crazy shouldn’t be philosophical; her ideas are too wrong. Crazy is incorrect. But she can’t be crazy, if she was, how could she also be Perfect, and Different? Perfect doesn’t know who perfect is, she isn’t her. Perfect is the one who drags Crazy along. Perfect gets into nice schools, makes friends, smiles at the higher-ups. Crazy knows that Perfect can keep Crazy doing well. So, Crazy tries to be quiet for a while, when Perfect is desperately needed. Crazy can’t stay quiet forever, no matter how much Perfect wishes she could be the only one. Crazy eventually gets bored - she can’t stay focused for too long, now can she? She’s the Crazy; how could she be focused? Crazy doesn’t want to stay quiet, she wants to be heard. Perfect keeps Crazy under wraps for short periods of time. She’s good like that. Perfect isn’t really Perfect, but she’s been that for so long she doesn’t know what she is anymore, so she stays Perfect. Actually, Perfect is Crazy’s construct. You see, a long time ago, there was just Girl. Girl was a little Perfect, a little Crazy. But then Crazy started to get out of hand. She wasn’t being as good as she should be. Girl’s dad liked it when Girl was more Perfect than Crazy. So, Perfect and Crazy started to split apart. Girl’s dad didn’t get mad when Girl was more Crazy than Perfect, but she’d get long speeches on why she should be more Perfect, and how to become Perfect. So she tried. She tried really hard to be more Perfect when she was at home. But like I said, Crazy gets bored if Perfect takes over too much. But Perfect wouldn’t let Crazy take over at home anymore. Perfect didn’t like getting lectured about Crazy’s problems. Crazy didn’t like it much either, so she agreed. Crazy really did try to let Perfect take over, and become Girl, but it didn’t work. So, Crazy came to an agreement with Perfect. Crazy would tone it back when she was at home, but in return, Perfect would have to be more lenient on Crazy when she was somewhere that Girl’s father couldn’t start lecturing. Soon, Girl stopped being Girl. She wasn’t both, like she used to be. She was two now, the Perfect and the Crazy. Perfect started learning, once Crazy shut up. She practiced, and she became better at controlling Crazy. Crazy doesn’t like to be controlled, though. So Perfect doesn’t always try to control Crazy. But Perfect also started learning. She absorbed all the stuff Crazy had been told by Girl’s dad. Crazy liked how things were turning out, and Perfect did too. Perfect started getting fewer lectures, which were tedious. Crazy had actually created someone new, named Perfect. They started to hone their agreement more and more, once they were two. Girl’s dad started rewarding them when Perfect contained Crazy during important things, like when family and friends came. When that happened, Crazy shut up for a while and let Perfect take over. Perfect charmed them, and Girl’s dad was happy. He didn’t know that she wasn’t she anymore; she was they and they were two. He just saw Perfect killing off the Crazy. He liked it. He gave Crazy lots of cool stuff, for letting Perfect take over when he was near. And for the most part, dad, Perfect, and Crazy are happy. Girl doesn’t exist anymore. She is two and they are her. You see what I mean now, Perfect doesn’t exist. She used to be Girl, before Girl was anyone. But then Crazy made a deal with that new, malleable part of Girl, and she gave up any choice in what she could have been, to appease Girl’s dad and Crazy. She became the Perfect, the other part of Girl. Or is Crazy the other part of Girl, and Perfect is the good one, and Perfect told Crazy to take the Crazy off Perfect? Who knows. The girl who is no longer one thinks that Crazy was first, but she was imbued with a bit of Perfect somehow. And so that’s the way the story goes. But then how can Different be, if Girl is already so full up of Perfect and Crazy? That’s exactly the problem. Right around the time when Girl was splitting into two, she started to get confused. She was annoyed, because Crazy was starting to be crazier when her dad wasn’t around. So, she started to create another person. She’s like Perfect, but not quite. Different is stronger than either Crazy or Perfect. If Different wants to take over, she can, she can make both of them shut up, since she was born with Girl’s blessing. But Different isn’t supposed to take over. She’s got one major weakness - she doesn’t exist. Different exists in what’s left of Girl. In the body’s mind. Recently, Different has taken over the hands and keyboard. Different learned she could exert more control by writing. When either Crazy or Perfect write stories, good stories, fiction stories, important-to-Girl stories, they can become Different, until they put the pen down. Same thing works on the keyboard. I think I’ve become Different, while I was writing this. At first, Crazy was trying to figure out Perfect, but Different started taking over. Crazy’s no longer sure whether this is reality or fiction. You see, Perfect is real, but Different is fiction. Since she can’t exist, Different decided to have some fun, so she doesn’t follow the rules. She makes things up. Different is creative imagination, while Crazy is creative reality. Crazy is wrong, and so Different must be wrong, since she’s just like Crazy, but that’s the beauty of it. Since she’s not real, Different doesn’t have to be wrong. She’s a good Crazy, like Girl was always supposed to be - a Perfect Crazy. Different also took over the internet, making herself again. She’s this sort of not-quite-thing on the web. She’s a Perfect Crazy as much as she can be. It’s easier for her to be Perfect on here than it is for Crazy to be Perfect outside of a keyboard. But she doesn’t want to be perfect. On here, it’s okay to be a bit more crazy. On here, she really is Perfect Crazy, or almost Perfect Crazy. Well, that’s the way the web usually works. Except for right here, on green-and-blue site. Crazy and Different teamed up here. They realized that they didn’t need Perfect here on green-and-blue. Crazy was allowed to become Girl on here. So, Crazy and Different work together on here, to try and put Girl back together again, to sort through the puzzle of splittings and figure out what Girl used to be - what she should have been - before she became three.

I understand. I wish you luck in finding you. If I can help pm me.

It took me a long time to realise I wasn't sure who I was under the people pleasing, I'm still trying to figure it out fully.

I relate to a lot of what you wrote here. I too have a split in identity and in the last few years I no longer know where one identity ends and the other begins. They are melding into the same person