Want to die because life will never get any better for me

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I don't know where to turn at the moment. I tried to kill myself at the weekend and my boyfriend found me. He was really heartbroken and very mad at me, said I am selfish for leaving him by himself. I don't know if I really want to die, I just want things to get better but I can't see it ever happening and see death as the only way out for me.

I keep going through breakdowns and then after months of struggling I finally get myself into a reasonably positive frame of mind and then something else triggers off my depression. I feel like I am constantly comparing myself to others around me and I just can never measure up and I feel this great inferiority next to them. I have a very close friend and I feel like he is better than me in every way - he is older and therefore more knowledgeable and experienced than me. He has a close circle of friends that live near him and sees all the time - my only real friend lives 300+ miles away, and he goes out all the time and people know and care who he is, whereas I feel like a complete nobody because I live too far away from the scene to be a part of it. Every time I talk to him I get insanely jealous hearing about how he is going out with his friends or has the terrible problem of having too many gigs to go to this week or he saw loads of people he knows when he went out, and I just feel so jealous because I can't do any of that stuff and feel like I never will be able to.

I know it sounds stupid and pathetic but it is really a major problem for me. I spend all my time comparing myself to other people and wishing I was older or wishing I was someone else or wishing I had a normal social life, and it occupies my mind so much that I can't even begin to live my life. I feel like things are never going to get any better. I have often been told that my problem is that I am too negative, but I don't know how to think positively and I can't see any positives when all I can see is my friend doing things that are just impossible for me to do and so far out of my reach. I constantly feel like I am totally inadequate as a person because of the problems linked to my AS, and I don't feel that life is worth living at the moment.

this is gonna sound kinda weird but pessimitism has helped me a lot in overcoming depression. What i mean by that is that by accepting the pain and the fact that in life there is pain, you can then find ways to minimize the pain, not only for you but also for others.

I think your problem is less that you are not able to think positively and more that you are expecting too much too soon of yourself, necroluciferia.

I can understand that you feel like you cannot handle things the way you would like to handle them, but on the other hand you do not have to be successful, integrated and happy all in one step.

If you cannot handle being around too many people at once or stay in a social situation for long, try to find a way to break things down into little steps that you can take one at a time.
I think you are spending much time at home or with your boyfriend. But you do have a boyfriend and from what you wrote he does seem to care for you. Surely he would be willing to help you develop your social skills if only you told him what you need of him.
Maybe situations involving lots of strange people are less stressful when your boyfriend is with you for support. He does not have to "protect" you actively, but just to know that he is there and could take things over if you became too stressed out would probably help you to feel more relaxed.
If you want to improve your ability to be around people or in new situations, I don't think you should start out going to a big party with lots of people you don't know or doing the Christmas shopping in the city center when loads of other people are rushing around there. A better way to start might be simply to ask your boyfriend to go to the next supermarket with you and do the weekend shopping with you.
Take along a written list of what you need if that helps you not to forget things due to stress.
Or if you like animals, ask your boyfriend to go to the zoo with you, preferably on a weekday or when the weather is not very fine so there will be less noisy children running around, getting in your way.
Or ask him not to go to the cinema with you to watch the newest movie in the biggest theatre they have, but ask him to take you to a smaller cinema and watch an older movie so there will be less strange people around you.

With time and patience you should be able to build up your self-confidence and to take steps towards the big things. It's better to start out in ways that you feel okay with, even if you think others might consider you shy or a bit childish for them. Surely your boyfriend can understand if you don't feel up to handling stressful events at the moment and want to go a bit slower.
And as to other people performing "better" than you in your life, they are other people, not you. They will most certainly have other issues to deal with that handicap them in different situations and those situations may simply not be very obvious to you. From the experiences I have gathered so far, almost everyone (even successful NTs) have some points in their lifes that they are not satisfied with. The important thing is to figure out a way to change those points in your lfe in a way that you can handle and then to follow that path.

The most important person in your life is YOU, necroluciferia, and as long as you do not hurt others I think you should try to find a personal form of happiness for yourself, even if it may not be what most other people wish for in their lifes.

also you definitly shouldn't kill yourself. Because then pain will have won over you and also you will afflict pain on others. I have found that the secret in life is to not let pain controll you, but to minimize the pain. Music and art is a great way to do that.

When I was young, and new, and dumb, I wished I were old and wise.
And when I was old, and and done, and through, I wished I were young.
When I was by myself, alone, I wished I had friends, and fun.
And when I was out, was the life of the crowd, I wished I were home.
From afar, I can see where they are, over there the tall grass is green.
But where I stand, I can't see where I am and can't find any inbetween.
You know they say at the end of the day nothing matters, just clear your head.
And I try not to dwell on my thoughts and my fears as I go to bed.
But I'll tell you the truth that I worry, I worry I've worried too much.
Spent too much time, thinking I was too old, to young, too dumb and such.
Now I'm over here and my past's over there where I can see that the grass looks green.
And I'm wishing right now I could figure out just how to build a great time machine.
Oh how I'd have liked to have known at the time that dumb youth's not so bad.
And I think of potential I couldn't see then, that I now know I had.
But now I am old, and tired and worn, I'm too thin, I'm too short, I'm too fat.
But none of that matters, for now I can see my potential's wherever I'm at.

Stop worrying about whether or not you measure up to others, because most people can't see their true potential in terms of much of anything from where they stand. You just have to trust that it's there, and you are not the inadequate person you perceive yourself to be...nor are you the only one who feels inadequate.

You would be surprised, but some of the most outgoing, popular people have rather big insecurities. What you interpret as a socially well adjusted person with a lot of friends may be someone who is so outgoing only because they have a massive fear that someone won't like them, or cannot cope without constant social interaction. Other people might seem very social, and might know a lot of people, but that doesn't mean they have formed close friend ships with these people.

That super pretty girl who all the other girls are jealous of may actually not see herself as such, and think those other girls don't like because she's not pretty or outgoing enough.

I know you feel like others are better than you, but trust me, it's just an illusion, even if you are different.

You also might want to consider speaking to your doctor if you are cycling in and out of bouts of depression. There might be an underlying medical cause, and most of them are treatable.

You might start doing some sort of journaling where you keep track-- in as objective a way as possible-- of your emotional cycles. Sometimes I need to think of myself as two people: an intelligent adult with a career and a small child who who is often exhausted by the emotional demands that that adult puts on him. I know the whole "inner child" thing sounds obnoxious, but for me, at least, it's something I really have to think about. I have to work hard every day to limit the stressful things I subject myself to. Keeping an objective record of what leads to breakdowns, essential as it, is painful and humiliating.

But I've learned to do it, and I think you can, too. I think people with autism can learn almost anything. It's just that many things take us an incredibly long time to learn, and this is especially frustrating when they are the kinds of things that seem to come naturally to others. It is some compensation to me to remember that I learn some other kinds of things incredibly quickly, but that does not reduce my pain.

You have made great progress-- you are able to recognize your cycles of depression. You are able to recognize that the issue with your friend is jealousy, not him being a jerk. I bet these are things that would not have been true a few years ago, at least not if you are anything like me.

I think about suicide when I am overwhelmed. I have learned to "translate" a desire to die into a need to pull back. I really try to surround myself with things that comfort me, and to take care of myself. This helps.

Please keep working to find things that work for you and know that I will be thinking about you.

your problems originate from the false importance of what others think. This is critical for you to understand and you will. What other people think is of no concern. Most people have the wrong values. They have these ideals based on lies. They want you to be something that they were taught is correct but it is a false image that leads nowhere. Your sadness is teaching you that you must learn to understand how important YOU are. You must learn about yourself and find out what YOU want. You hold the key. You know what is truly important and when you discover these things, you will create those ideals and people will gravitate towards you. People will actually begin to want to come into your world. It will be an amazing feeling. Realize that you are a precious being and begin to love yourself. When you love yourself then there is no one that can stop you.

How is "death a way out", life certainly wont get any better if you are dead, and you will compare even less favourably with others lying in the cold ground.

What I have found by not getting around to killing myself, is that though yes, the depression is ofetn still there, there also comes along wonderfull experiences and I allways think, "Wow, if I had killed myself, I would never have seen/done/met this!

As for comparing yourself, when I was young I compared very poorly, but now Iam older, I find I compare better than my peers.

Maybe God assigns the same amount of whatever it is to everyone, some get it all at once in the beginning, but soon use it all up.