Sometimes I think that I want to always be depressed and miserable and "emo" or whatever kids these days call it. When I actually am happy and feeling good deep down I'm thinking something awful is going to happen, like my mother will die or I'll get a horrible disease. Once I am down there's no way to lift me back up again. I tell people that nothing they can say or do can change the way I feel. Unless they can change the world itself they can't make me feel better about it. I often wish I could just crawl into bed and sleep for days and days, but I can't because my two cats would starve. I find only they and the computer give me a reason to get up. When people try to give me advice, tell me how to be more positive or say nice things about me I end up getting more upset and just can't seem to hear the words, even though I've heard them a gazillion times already.
It's like the words and their meaning can't sink into my brain. Not so long ago I used to draw and write and enjoy my hobbies and talents, but now I hardly ever do. I used to love toy collecting but now they're just piled up in my closet where they rarely see daylight. I feel like I have no imagination anymore and I have a lot less energy and I sit and stare into space on my couch. And I think what a worthless human being I am, I'm just another burden on society because I don't work and I didn't complete my education and I'm fat. And how can anyone NOT be depressed when we live in such depressing times? Today I saw an issue of Maclean's magazine that had the title "Generation Screwed" on it, talking about how doomed we are because of how screwed up the planet our parents left us is. I hate it and I hate myself. Have a safe and happy holiday everyone.
06 Dec 2010, 9:54 pm
