I am skipping x mass this year.

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my mom almost died last x mass . and the year before that i was kicked out of my home. so i want to pretend x mass isn't happening this year. i need another year to recover till i am able to see Christmas as a good thing again.

i am still clawing my way out of the depression of last year. i was suicidal then, i bent a metal chair over my head among other things.

I almost lost my mom and i am very attached to her, it is going to take a while to heal those wounds.

just-you kept me alive last year. he held me back when i was trying to hurt myself. and i didn't kill myself because i knew he needed me. so he saved my life.

he is very depressed too. i am getting better, and trying to help him as well.

please pray that next x mass is a peaceful one for me and the ones i love.

Hope it goes well. Sounds like you guys are due a break!

Please, dear, give yourself the rest you need. Don't begrudge others celebrating. You have my permission to opt out of anything you feel like.

why not do something nice or yourself something you would enjoy. Christmas is not about buying, decorating, cooking, guilt, or long drawn out miserable trips.

It's about love, compassion, and hope. If you can find someone to love your Mom, some compassion hopefully for yourself, and hope that maybe the next year will bring something better I think you will have celebrated it just fine.

It's also about peace and I wish you some peace.

I talked to my neighbor and life long friend Sara about it all. she is also my god mother, not to be confused with my real mom.

she had some very good advice.

I explained why i dont want to celebrate x mass and realized i didn't want to celebrate it because then i would have to face the emotions of almost losing my mom.

You see i never really delt with all those emotions. I have been kinda running from them ever since it happened.

so Christmas is here again and it reminds me of all the stuff and forces me to deal with what happened. i now realize i need to face my emotions, cry then out and move forward and leave the past in the past.

my god mother told me the same thing you all said, that Christmas is about hope and a new start. so i will use this time to thank god for saving my mom and ask for healing and a better new year.

and hopefully when i have cried it all out i will be able to enjoy this x mass with out any baggage.

thank you to each of you who posted , i really appreciate your kind and caring responses. i hope each of you have a wonderful holiday season!