i can't live like this anymore

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things are getting to me more and more over time. i know it may be much more than just aspergers, i don't even know if it's aspergers. i feel like nobody understands me, it's alot of emotional pain. i've told doctors that i think i may have aspergers and they don't take me seriously, because i can "seem" normal, but i sure don't feel normal. it takes me alot of effort to explain things in a logical, concise way. i feel like i won't be able to survive in the world on my own, and i feel like such a child when i am 28 and have a child of my own to raise. i have many great talents, but i'm not sure where to go to make use of them in the world. i have trouble with things maybe others don't....for example, today i had to go visit someone in the ER. i'm not sure how things work - anywhere. i can figure some things out, but i'm slow at it. i'm actually happy that i got better at finding my way around places - i used to be more directionally challenged. but i always feel so stupid having to ask things (so i usually or sometimes don't ask). i'm not up with the "normal" things that people do - like buying cards or flowers or whatever - that's what people normally do right? i would be more about being there for the person and helping where i could, and bringing something if they ask me to. but, as far as thinking of what to get them - i'm not so good at.
so then i went to a flower shop - but there were no prices on anything, and i didn't want to ask a bunch of prices to get a general idea of how much they should cost. i don't know things like that, i am not good at knowing what a "good" price for something is. i am afraid to go into restaurants or other places that i don't know how they work - unless i am with someone else who i can cling along with, but then i feel stupid doing that and don't want to do so any longer. i have gotten better at doing some things alone - but it takes me alot of effort to figure things out. i have trouble telling if a restaurant will cost too much for me before i go in, etc. i have trouble deciding what to order...i've always had this problem.
i can't live like this.
i can function very well with abstract thought (now, i used to not). but, i am not good with practical things (this is also hard to explain - i am good with some practical things, like physical things, but not good with time management and getting things done)
i am not diagnosed as anything, so i don't know if this is aspergers or not. i wish i could just know. the ":professionals" i have talked to don't take me seriously. i am screaming inside, but have such a hard time communicating what goes on with me. i have to probably get very emotional just to get it out, and i fear being "socially inappropriate" or "immature".

i don't see why the therapists i have talked to don't pickup on this. i went to one clinical psychologist and was told she doesn't think i have it. my new therapist who is an educational one who works with kids with autism and aspergers didn't think that i have it. i am able to talk well one-on-one, very deeply. i think i just learned to cope over time in such a way to pull of being "normal" (yet i don't feel that way, and i don't see why people can't see the struggles i have). the therapists only see me one-on-one, not socially, and i have a hard time explaining it to them. i keep thinking that i learned to cope socially by acting like an airhead, when i'm really not. but socially, no. socially, i watch everyone, i don't really interact. i want to help or do something, but not sure how. i've come to avoid social situations. i think that's something i learned to do ever since i was younger. now i'm an adult with a child to raise, and so the social situations are just taxing on me, if i even put myself in them in the first place. (social events as well as any interaction with people socially)

anyway, i just needed to write about that....i can't take this anymore, feeling like nobody understands me. maybe someone else here has similar experiences? i know i have many more things i have problems with, but i don't want to write it all out right now.

Thank you.

i can really relate to a lot of this. i try to tell people i think i have asperger's all the time and they never take me seriously either.
i know how infuriating it is to not be taken seriously by a therepist when you tell them you think you have asperger's. it's like they don't even bother getting to see more of your personality and the way you interact past the basic etiquette and mimicked behavior you've learned over the years from observing others (females with AS are great at this) before they peg you as a hypochondriac or some kind of attention whore with low self esteem.

great description, the "mimicking". i just had my appointment today with someone who was my hope to recognize it in me, because she works with kids and teens with aspergers/autism, and she doesn't think i had it. she is great with emotions, but not great with this. she told me that if i had aspergers i wouldn't be able to tell her the way i did! so i asked how so, by talking or writing, and she said both!! ! i said i KNOW for a fact that people with aspergers are able to communicate clearly in writing, because of this website. so that kind of ruins the hope that i had that she would take me seriously or had an in-depth understanding of it to be able to see it in me (my insurance won't cover for me to go around for this, and the clinical psychologist i was going to also didn't think i had it, and she was way more superficial). the current therapist asked me how i thought i had it, so i told her a couple things i had problems with - the ER incident, going to restaurants, etc. she said something about do i think it's my anxiety that CAUSES it. i said i never thought so before, i had just thought it was because i have that problem that i get the anxiety, but that i'm not completely sure either (bc i will give whatever people say the benefit of the doubt and explore the idea of something rather than casting it out, which can be good and bad). i told her i am not able to get everything out, that i have a hard time describing it all, so for instance i didn't give the prioritized reasons of why, i just gave some examples. i know i need to listen to myself more, i need to do what is right for me. another reason why i want to take myself back and not open up to people - the first sign they don't understand because they aren't aware of the subtleties or details. it might be hard to separate my emotional issues from what caused it at this point, to see the root cause or truth.

i've read that women learn alot of coping over the years, so can blend in, and i feel that is very true for myself. i used to mimic the poses of models - not aware of what i was doing. i end up subconsciously parroting voices from t.v. that i identify with - like "Bones" for instance, etc. i do sound or feel scripted at times, probably in certain interactions with other people. i know i used to watch t.v. alot, so i think i learned about human behavior from that (i was also neglected as a child and not "socialized"). i can end up talking like other people i'm around (idk to what extent that is normal). i don't try to, i just do. i am able to do the same with singers. i know the nuances of their singing and can repeat it. i am able to project particular facial expressions for photography - it's acting. some of my relationships may have been acting, though i've learned more about meaning and genuineness now. i'm always just watching people. i notice things that others don't, like strange details - how people walk or other body movements, etc. when talking with someone, i look at their teeth, or nose or ears, etc. though i don't mean to. i can't look at their eyes or their face as a whole, because then i can't process what they are saying.

i know i can just read books. i'm just afraid of running into problems in the future with surviving because of the lack of understanding, especially with my ex and teachers, because my son may have it too, and i'm afraid of damage that can be caused to him because of the lack of understanding, when i am so painfully aware of the things that others are not. i have hope to find understanding and peace though. i already felt some peace in my life before i even knew what aspergers was, and it's helped me be the person that i am and do things that others don't or can't, so that is a positive.

but i am struggling at times, stuck inside of myself. i need to find an advocate, i need to do something, because i can see how this isn't right.

tyliseea it is like you have invicible people telling you that you cannot do things on your own at your every move. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. You put too much importance on the outside world, it is like you have no individuality at all. You need to find your self. This is your main goal at the moment. Start trusting yourself. Start respecting and loving yourself. Embrace your flaws. The more flaws that I have with myself the better because it teaches me to always strive to better myself and if I can't fix my flaws then I will give up and LAUGH at them. We aren't all that great in the flesh, we all have problems that we try to hide, most people you see that seem flawless are just good at covering their flaws. Sometimes it is best to just laugh at yourself.

I'm in the same boat. My family understands that I have Aspergers so that's not an issue, but it's not very beneficial. I'm lonely, bored, have no passion for anything and life seems completely pointless. I'm not considering suicide or anything like that, but that doesn't mean I like my life at all. I want some friends, but absolutely hate the process of making them. I want a girlfriend, but don't have anything to offer a potential girl. Anyone that would want a relationship with me, I'd have to really wonder about their sanity. I want "aspie interests" that I could put towards a career of some sort. That would be sweet but don't see how that's possible. In the end, I'm just depressed.