also just waiting to die...

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I can't commit suicide because of my kids, and that would make me the worst mother ever, but I am so sick of pretending to be okay that I want to vomit. I was standing next to a bed of someone in a drug-induced coma yesterday envying her unconsciousness (I'm in the health care field). I wish people would think of what they might be doing when they cut off contact with someone (especially when telling them it's "not their fault" and they "didn't do anything wrong"). I can't take this pain any more but I can't do anything about it either because if I do I hurt three awesome people who never asked to be born, so I just have to find a way to take it.

This sucks.

~Kate

You've probably tried all these but medication/therapy/group therapy etc?

Yes, I've tried multiple different medications (changed them a few times in the last six months) and I do have a therapist. Trying hypnosis now to help with sleep and it is helping some. Meditation helps a little bit, nothing helps enough. Having other people who care doesn't help enough either. I make very few deep connections with other people and to have them taken from me with no good explanation and nothing I can do about it does this to me (I've had it happen once before and it was horrible too...I was younger then and more hopeful, hadn't taken as many knocks in life, which is why I didn't get quite as hopeless).

~Kate

Why do you feel that way? Whats wrong?

we all wish we could help you, but we cannot. i do not have any children. i do have companion animals and they are the only things keeping me going. my pain is mostly physical . i also have fought severe depression all my pathetic life.

you have something i don't. children that love you. i can only imagine what that is like. my critters are pretty terrific, but it's not the love of a child.

the only thing that helped my mental state was complete physical exhaustion. insane aerobic activity. if you're at the point of giving up, why not ask your therapist about it. it worked wonders for me. i'm too injured to do that now. i would give everything i have except my companion animals to be able to run or ride or free climb again.

i regret that's the only thing i can offer.

A very painful interpersonal rejection. I can't seem to get over it.

~Kate

I also have companion animals, which is another reason I have to stick around. I have started some exercise in hopes of improving my general health so that my mental state improves. Maybe more is better.

~Kate

I'm very sorry to hear that, I know how bad that can be.



Sounds very positive, I myself am going to try something similar, I feel much better when i'm in shape.

I've gone through a painful rejection on here, which made it very hard on me. I hope that you find peace and healing, and that you can move on from this.

I know exactly how you feel. I make very few deep connections so when I lose one of the few i manage to make-- how do you ever recover?

But if you have children you don't have a choice but to recover even if you are faking the recovery. You have to put on a good face for them no matter what and put one foot in front of the other. There is no other choice!

I too have envied the unconscious and the dead, because they aren't feeling the pain I have felt.

Just today I was crying over a friend who stopped being my friend (her choice, no real explanation) 11 years ago! 11 years ago and it still makes me cry. I don't cry easily.

I'm sorry it is so painful for you right now.

I think you are right in starting the exercise. I have found walking and regular aerobic exercise has helped me a lot. But don't push yourself too far either. There have been times when I have exercised to break my depression and, exhausting myself, only drove myself deeper into the depression (although these episodes were brief - only a day or two long)

Would it help to take up some regular hobby, even if it doesn't seem all that exciting, to try to break your thoughts away from what is causing the pain?

Yoga. It helps increase GABA levels or potentiate its effect. If you're not a member of a yoga studio or a decent gym, do you happen to live near a lululemon? Most lululemon stores do have free yoga as a community class on Sunday mornings. Some other places may have it on a reasonable pricing scale.

How recent was was this?, Iam sure you know the adage that time heals, though it never completly heals, it does ease a lot with time.
I waited half my life before I met one whom seemed to be Gods answer to my lonlieness, then the church convinced her she could do better than me, Ive never met another since, it destroyed my life and for quite a few years, my relationship with God, (whom I now relate too independantly of any church).
Like I say though, Iam pretty much over her, though the lost chance of being married bugs me.
She obviously wasnt the one though, her gone means there is still room for "the one" if she ever comes along.

It must be lovely having kids you Love and that Love you.

Yep. I had a friend do this to me when I was about 19 (I'm in my 40s now). It took me a whole year before I could even stop crying every day and I didn't ever really get over it (took 10 years before I stopped thinking about it a lot, like many times a week, and I just re-established a friendship with her in the last couple of months...it was weird, after this last rejection happened, my old friend reached out to me out of nowhere and apologized for what happened 25-odd years ago).

And I am faking the recovery for my kids. I'd literally walk through a fire for them so I can do it mentally. I envy those who don't feel anything, though, because all I feel these days is pain, and it doesn't seem to end. It makes me never want to risk another interpersonal relationship again, not to let anyone else into my life who I already don't know and trust, and it's awful that I wonder when those I already know are going to do this to me. Ugh. I wish people wouldn't do this.

~Kate

It's been almost 5 months since the overt rejection, almost 6 since the person started "distancing" from me, and i know most people would have already "got over it". Not me. I don't "get over" these things well.

It is great to have my kids. There's nothing else I would stay in this miserable world for.

~Kate

Some others, including my therapist, have suggested yoga...I may try it in addition to the exercise I've already been doing. I have to try something. This is getting old.

~Kate