should this be enough?

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So I am pretty sure if I did not feel like there were a few people who would be pretty hurt by my death......I would just get it over with. So should having a few people in my life that would be hurt by my death be enough to keep me going? Because I don't have much going for me and my lifes going to hell.......I've made my decision to try and at least complete the rest of this semester of college and drop out. Then I have trying to get hooked up with mental health services and talk to a psychiatirst or psychologist or whatever about figuring out what all is wrong with me and maybe I can even get on SSI and be considered a parasite who's not helping to feed the machine.

Just does not seem like I have a whole lot to look forward to.....and I am worried a few people who care won't be enough to keep me going, especially when I start thinking about how I would rather them see me dead then even more screwed up further down the road...So yeah this is depressing.

You have no idea what may or may not happen in the future. Yes, your life could stay the same, it could get worse, or it could get better. Why lose the chance that something wonderful may happen by ending it all? Every day when you get out of bed, that could very well be the day that something good could come into your life.

I have pretty bad depression sometime. I want to kill myself sometime. Things seem like they will be the same forever. I will be stuck with unappreciative people and an emotionally distant husband forever. No way out. Nothing but the same things over and over until I die. But I don't know thats how it's going to be. I've had wonderful surprises that I didn't expect. How do I know that I won't have another one? How do you know that you won't have one?

When all that happens to you are negative things, you begin to see everything in a negative light. You begin to expect only negative things to happen. I do that too. I have to purposefully say to myself every morning "Let's see what good things today might bring" and I try to look for them. Even if it's just something small. Something only I would notice. It sounds silly and simplistic to say "think positive" because you can't just do that. You have to retrain your mind to think that way. You have to stop a thought and make yourself think of a positive one. When you first start trying this you feel ridiculous. You don't believe it. You think to yourself "Why am I doing this? This is never gonna happen!" But you have to stop those thoughts too and tell yourself "They might. There is a chance, however slim, that they might".

That's what keeps me going sometimes.

Frances

Sweetleaf - I've been reading through your posts and so much that you say seems like it's been directly plucked from my own brain. i know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel your sole reason for living is to spare the hurt of others, have had that thought many times. It feels like the walls are closing in on you and you get more and more desperate with every breath. You feel like your future is all black. My ex girlfriend used to call it my self fulfilling prophecy and she was kinda right. I decided that i was an atheist because i couldn't bear the thought of there being any kind of continuation of this. I just wanted to cease to exist! I too have dropped out of college (and jobs!) many times despite having no probelms with the actual course work. It always seemed to derive from one little problem that started a chain reaction and the end product was always inevitable misery. On the face of it I always knew I had many things to be grateful for, but just could never find a way to constructively process that information. I smoked a lot of pot too (still do on rare occasions), as it was always a nice bridge from one day to the other, but i've yet to encounter a problem that it's best to be stoned to deal with! Just always seemed to make me dwell on the worst. Through the years i've always been at my strongest when i have a sense of momentum and that momentum always started from the most mundane and simple steps.

I've only just discovered that i'm an aspie and feel now that i have at least an explanation for past problems. I'm lucky that over here our healthcare is paid for through our taxes (even dental care is free if you can't pay for it), so getting help is relatively painless and easy. I think the answer for college (for me at least) is an open degree that i can do at my own lesuire, so i'll look into that later in the year!

I doubt that this will be of any help to you, i know when you feel like you do, all advice just comes across as rhetoric, but your posts have helped me in a way. Maybe try to enjoy the little things (comfortably numb solo?) and take a step back from worrying about your future. You can't possibly know what your future holds, what if? Better to be alive and trying!

P.S> is the winter in phoenix really that bad? It's feckin freezing here!

You're not from phoenix, it's your user status, doh! I'll offer my blond hair as an excuse.