extreme apathy

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I'm starting to think I don't have asperger's syndrome. I mean, I've never been diagnosed by a professional. Either way, I think I just avoid the pain of dealing with people because it's annoying to pretend, and trying way too hard to not be perceived as rude. I don't have a social mask, or I do, but it only last for a few hours max. I simply don't care how people are doing and what's going on in their lives. Whether they're in love, having problems, or they're life is wonderful- I don't give a crap. I don't feel it, nothing. I have to make myself do stuff and rarely want to hang out with the people I know. I'm learning to cook and go buy my groceries by myself. Making my own phone calls and deal with daily life. These people are normal and see nothing special in these inner achievements. I think I'm really sick of the few people I know. I'm done feeling like a bad person because I don't care. I'm sick of feeling guilty for not calling or reaching out to family, aquaintances, or new people. When I do reach out to the few aquaintances that I have, I just feel so apathetic and disconnected. I feel really bothered by it. I'm sick of beating myself up for "being self-centered." Most of the people who call me arrogant or selfish are inconsiderate as hell to begin with. I might live in my little world but I don't go taking advantage. They're the ones using me for car rides and being rude to me. Yea, I often play the victim and I don't stand up for myself. I'm actually done feeling sorry for myself. I'm responsible for not taking a stand for what I really think and feel. It's really hard to share my feelings. I'm so lonely. I get lonely and I don't want to cause someone to go away because of something I said. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't get lonely. I want to feel useful. I have a lot of ability. I'm good at painting and illustration. I'm organized and am good at figuring stuff out. It's people... They don't understand and they don't tolerate differences. I don't know, but I don't think it's AS. I'm probably depressed because I don't adapt too well and I'm cynical about people I meet. The only thing that makes sense is that people change their ideas and words according to what's most convenient for them at the time. Today they're a jehovah's witness and tomorrow they're a homosexual. Today you're in love and tomorrow you're fed up. What the hell. It's BS. BLAH.

I agree, I'm tired of the only "friends" I have being people that use me for car rides, whatever is convienent for them. I'm going to become more selfish and start putting myself first. But it is so lonely.....

I agree with both your post and the other person. Put yourself first and don't think about others. Sometimes you have to get used to loneliness. I have over the last 20 years and it's not very nice I can tell you.