Why will no one love me?

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Baratos
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21 Dec 2010, 10:22 pm

I have met more than 130 people online and absolutely none of them showed any interest in me. I am growing increasingly frustrated by the fact that I cannot find anyone anywhere who shows any affection towards me. How do I identify when someone wants to be with me? How do I take a more active role in finding them?



IMCarnochan
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21 Dec 2010, 10:48 pm

Have you tried preening like a bird of paradise? That always works when you go on full display.



Atreides
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22 Dec 2010, 12:01 am

130 people?
that isn't a scientific sample at all. impossible to establish a social trend with just a 130 person sample.
I'm just saying.
at any point in time I could be surrounded with 130 people that I have no interest in, and that doesn't mean that nobody interests me.



auntblabby
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22 Dec 2010, 12:40 am

Baratos wrote:
I have met more than 130 people online and absolutely none of them showed any interest in me. I am growing increasingly frustrated by the fact that I cannot find anyone anywhere who shows any affection towards me. How do I identify when someone wants to be with me? How do I take a more active role in finding them?


what are your specifics?



Moog
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22 Dec 2010, 12:50 am

Meeting 130 people won't achieve anything if there's something fundamentally wrong with your approach to relationships. How about you go into a little detail, so we can perhaps help you out?

(I can't believe I'm actually asking someone to expound on this forum, normally people give way too much irrelevant information...)


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EnglishLulu
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22 Dec 2010, 5:32 am

Those 130 are irrelevant. Don't get hung up on that and start obsessing about those who don't reciprocate your feelings. It's not that you're not likeable or you're unlovable, just that you haven't found the right person yet.

Think of all the different ways people take their tea - some take it with milk, some without, some like soya milk, some take it with sugar, some take it with one sugar, some take two sugars or more, some like it strong, some like it weak, some like it with a hint of another flavour such as bergamot in Earl Grey tea, some like green tea, some like infusions (all those herbal and fruit 'teas'). Some people - shock, horror! - don't like tea at all! 8O :?

It's as if you're a cup of tea with milk and two sugars, and those 130 people haven't seemed to like tea with milk and two sugars, and you're extrapolating and coming to the conclusion that no one likes tea. :cry:

You're just not their cup of tea, because they might like green tea, or tea without milk, or tea without sugar, or they might prefer coffee or cola or orange juice.

It's not that nobody likes tea, it's just that you haven't yet come across the person who likes tea with milk and two sugars. :)

I'm an Earl Grey girl myself, fairly weak, no milk or sugar, with an occasional slice of lemon, looking for a man who likes Earl Grey. :lol:



Baratos
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22 Dec 2010, 12:45 pm

Moog wrote:
Meeting 130 people won't achieve anything if there's something fundamentally wrong with your approach to relationships. How about you go into a little detail, so we can perhaps help you out?

(I can't believe I'm actually asking someone to expound on this forum, normally people give way too much irrelevant information...)


Well, first we establish basic info about ourselves. After about four days I start going into more personal stuff very carefully, and stop if they seem uncomfortable. Then after one-two weeks worth of talking I ask if they are interested in a relationship.



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22 Dec 2010, 2:43 pm

I'm just wondering, is this relationship online only? No phone communication or anything?

Also approximately how long do you talk to these people? Basic information over the course of four days seems like a slight stretch.

If its online only ( no video contact, no meeting in person on a later date..) asking for a relationship is in general very premature.

Before even thinking about asking for a relationship should ask yourself.. if you've established mutual interests, do you like their personality, do you guys have similar beliefs and if you don't are they mutual beliefs you both can respect, do you guys have fun talking.. etc.

Now here's the thing, (i'm making huge assumptions here because there's not a lot of info) if you guys haven't met at all, asking for a relationship flat out.. could scare someone away. If you guys "get along" after sharing basic/personal info.. that still leaves room to "date" which isn't a relationship but is getting to know someone on an even more personal level.

Online anyone can say they're something they're not, so your best bet... (once again if you haven't met) is to after a period of a couple of weeks ask to meet up and see if they are interested for a cup of coffee in a public place or something.



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23 Dec 2010, 2:39 am

EnglishLulu wrote:
I'm an Earl Grey girl myself, fairly weak, no milk or sugar, with an occasional slice of lemon, looking for a man who likes Earl Grey. :lol:


i wish you the best of luck. but i can say for a fact that nobody likes what i like nor hates what i hate. at least i don't have to share my unusual liked things with anybody else. but it would sure be grand if i could give away all my hated things in life, to somebody who doesn't hate them. or maybe, to somebody who hates 'em even more than me. :P

anyways, i digress from the OP's concerns. the problem with online dating is that it is a "square peg in round hole" kinda deal- so it seems, unfortunately, square pegs like some of us, need not apply. it would be a good thing if the OP could find something IRL that matched his interests- IOW, go to an event with others who share enthusiasm for said event. just my jejune opinion.



ETViking
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23 Dec 2010, 2:25 pm

Baratos wrote:
Well, first we establish basic info about ourselves. After about four days I start going into more personal stuff very carefully, and stop if they seem uncomfortable. Then after one-two weeks worth of talking I ask if they are interested in a relationship.


Meeting and getting to know people online is hard. Not many people would be prepared to think about a relationship with someone until they had met up face to face. You would need to have at least probed them a little about what they like or what they want/need in a partner.


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countzarroff
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24 Dec 2010, 7:02 am

I'm sorry to hear you feel that way my friend. People don't tend to appreciate the right things in people. Don't let that get you down.



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24 Dec 2010, 11:43 am

Baratos wrote:
Moog wrote:
Meeting 130 people won't achieve anything if there's something fundamentally wrong with your approach to relationships. How about you go into a little detail, so we can perhaps help you out?

(I can't believe I'm actually asking someone to expound on this forum, normally people give way too much irrelevant information...)


Well, first we establish basic info about ourselves. After about four days I start going into more personal stuff very carefully, and stop if they seem uncomfortable. Then after one-two weeks worth of talking I ask if they are interested in a relationship.

Having a timeline for a relationship doesn't work. It's not that simple. Basically, nobody who is capable of having a healthy relationship is going to force it along a timeline like you would with a project at work. The only kind of girl you will ever get that way are the really psycho ones that are more trouble than they are worth. I suggest you see a therapist who is experienced with ASDs.


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24 Dec 2010, 8:03 pm

EnglishLulu wrote:
Those 130 are irrelevant. Don't get hung up on that and start obsessing about those who don't reciprocate your feelings. It's not that you're not likeable or you're unlovable, just that you haven't found the right person yet.

Think of all the different ways people take their tea - some take it with milk, some without, some like soya milk, some take it with sugar, some take it with one sugar, some take two sugars or more, some like it strong, some like it weak, some like it with a hint of another flavour such as bergamot in Earl Grey tea, some like green tea, some like infusions (all those herbal and fruit 'teas'). Some people - shock, horror! - don't like tea at all! 8O :?

It's as if you're a cup of tea with milk and two sugars, and those 130 people haven't seemed to like tea with milk and two sugars, and you're extrapolating and coming to the conclusion that no one likes tea. :cry:

You're just not their cup of tea, because they might like green tea, or tea without milk, or tea without sugar, or they might prefer coffee or cola or orange juice.

It's not that nobody likes tea, it's just that you haven't yet come across the person who likes tea with milk and two sugars. :)

I'm an Earl Grey girl myself, fairly weak, no milk or sugar, with an occasional slice of lemon, looking for a man who likes Earl Grey. :lol:


But on the other hand, I for one know that if I try something 130 times and I fail every single time, then obviously something is specifically wrong with me... To me it sounds like you're advocating blaming the woman for one's own problems...