Help with a smother mother!! !

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, my mom means well, but she has always been far, far too protective. I mean, she didn't want me to work at Subway when I was sixteen because "well... you know... they use knives." My god, what an idiot for lack of a better word. If I bring a hydraulic jack out to the garage I can hear her on the couch "Oh please be ever so careful." I told her to shut up, because I'm sick and tired of her not able to recognize her own paranoia.

She was abused by a nutty mother herself, and I think she's trying to make up for it by being overly giving and overly serving, but this crap has gotten old. I've confronted her but she gets hella defensive. She says I wouldn't understand because I'm not a mother, but I think it's way beyond just being a mother. I feel in a way I haven't learned self reliance because of it. I don't care if I'm being ungrateful at this point- this is ridiculous. What can I do to grow out of this? Is it possible?

I have an 11 and 8 year old and I am protective of both and only one is autistic. I think maybe if she found a support group or read about successful people who live on their own and have aspergers or autism it might help. I think part of being a mother in the times we live in can be stressful, but if it's impairing you and hindering you maybe she can back off a little. I know how hard it can be to just drop my daughter off at school and her not being able to communicate to me exactly what happen when I wasn't there. But I do let go and am there for her when she needs me. I pick my battles with her. Sometimes I think if i don't remind my kids they can get hurt or to be careful they will be hurt in some way and I would have failed them. Maybe she feels the same. You just want your kids to be safe and happy. I know sometimes I do have to let go and I do even if I am afraid. And we as mothers do get scared too.

My father would have made your mother look reckless... He actually thought his aunt's advice that "you shouldn't go near the water until you know how to swim" made sense! Despite the fact that you can't possibly learn to swim unless you go near water. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere on my own until I was eighteen - and then, only because I basically pointed out that no one could stop me.

That did not work out well. I didn't learn self-reliance. And as you get older, it is much harder. Your mother has probably already wounded you much more severely, with much more long-lasting effects, than anything you could do with a knife or a hydraulic jack. And, at least in my case, I took a lot of stupid risks here and there, just because I wasn't willing to be cautious even where it might have made sense. I'm lucky I survived those.

How do you deal with it? First, show your mother this post. Let her know she's already crippled you, caused your independence to atrophy to the point that it is possible you will never be able to function well on your own. Get her to back off. Second, don't let yourself be too paranoid - but don't make the mistakes I did and take stupid risks just because you're impatient after years of being stifled. And push your envelope as far as you can bring yourself to without taking stupid risks or triggering a backlash.

That's the other thing I need to warn you about, from bitter experience. Right now, you want independence. You don't want to be smothered. But you've already lost the chance to learn the things you needed to when you should have. You're going to struggle, you're going to look like an idiot, you're going to mess up your life - and if you aren't careful, you'll do that so badly that you'll pull into your shell and become as paranoid as your mother, even if perhaps in different ways. So don't push too far, too fast. Take it gently, allow yourself to learn. And if you have friends, make sure they understand you've been smothered, and get them to help you, if they're willing. Try not to listen to the advice that is on the extreme end, either way. Try to walk a middle road so it won't blow up in your face.

Finally, I'll say this. When I was four, I had boiling water poured over my thumb. My mother said I'd gotten what I deserved for getting in her way. I had to go to the hospital to have the dead skin removed and the thumb dressed, and that dressing was on there for a couple of months. When I was five or six, I was beaten so badly with a belt I not only had red, raised welts - I was used to that - the welts actually bled. I went through a lot of other crap, from my parents, from many of my teachers, and from bullies. Out of all that I endured, the most lasting harm I've suffered was from being overprotected. Show your mother this post, make her read this. Yes, it will hurt her, but she needs to face what she's done, and stop doing more damage.

Some of you might have seen repeats of the famous 1950's TV show "Leave it to Beaver"

They were supposed to be the "perfect family". The mother always wore a nice dress with beads, makeup and high heeled shoes even when she was doing the dishes.
The Father always wore a suit and tie. Even at home. Even on the weekend.

Beaver always had to call his father "sir".
Anyway most of the plot lines were about young Beaver messing something up and having to be "taught a lesson" by his stern and distant father.

Years later they made a short lived spin off starring the grown up Beaver and his mother. The father had died years before.
It seems poor Beaver had to go to a shrink for years to try to undo some of the harm done to him by his overbearing father, who always insisted that Beaver "learn his lesson" and "act like a man" when he was only eight or nine years old.

Another family I hate is "The Brady Bunch".

The man's wife died so he hired Alice as a housekeeper.

Then he picked up with that blond floozy who had three daughters.

Obviously she didn't bring any money into the marriage or they would have bought a bigger house instead of cramming six kids into a three bedroom house.

Then the blond floozy just sits around all day doing her nails and expecting Alice to do do twice the work she was hired to do.

No doubt she expects her husband to put her three daughters through university and pay for their weddings.
What does she contribute? Errr.... nothing.

I think finding a way to move out is your best option.

I understand a parent's fear for their child, but I suspect much of the fear people have comes from watching too much TV that warns of some danger lurking around the corner. I grew up without TV and my parents gave me a great deal of freedom. After high school, my parents got a TV and I've noticed their fear of the world has increased a great deal. (Okay... that's anacdotal and perhaps a simplistic view of the issue, but it's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

Regardless, you just have to start doing what you need to do to live your life and if your mother is afraid, that's her problem. Remind her that you are an adult and have acquired many skills in life. I doubt it will reassure her much, but it's worth a try.

The problem is if you eclipse your life so your mother doesn't have to be afraid, nobody wins. If you go out and do things, your mother will get used to it and as your life expands, while she still may have the same level of fear for you, those fears will most likely expand to the unknown reaches beyond your experience.

Also, don't divulge too much of what you are doing outside the house. Try to provide vague, safe sounding descriptions of the things you do. The idea here is not not give her fears something to grab on to. Over time, as you expand the scope of your life, let her know you are doing more in slow, measured doses. Eventually, as she sees you have not been killed by your latest experience, she may become accustomed to the idea. I guess it's like taking a person who is afraid of heights up a little higher each day until they are not so afraid. Her fears may always rise to the same level, but the things that trigger her fears may grow to be things outside of what you do in daily life rather than mundane things like using a knife.

My mom is like that too - overprotective.

I'll say this, when I move out I'll become a little more adventurous and I'll start to take more risks.