Enveloping darkness

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I'm so fùcking bitter towards everything. I'm back to how I was in 2003, now... the darkness is starting to envelope my mind and I almost only feel hatred. All I ever wanted in my life was to find my true love but I am just denied that. It's all I wanted... it'd cure me. Cure me from the bitterness, the darkness, the hatred and the depression. One thing that is really good with the bitterness, hatred and overall darkness is, however, that it pushes the depression aside... it makes you feel stronger, in a way, instead of that your mind merely gets weakened by sadness. Back in 2003, I even started loving it when I started feeling this way... it felt like such a good supplement to the lack of love. Maybe turning out this way, again, merely is for the best?

i doubt it's for the best. if I remember correctly, you are looking for a very particular kind of woman. It won't be easy to find someone who meets your standards and shares your ideals. If you're serius about finding her, be the man she is looking for and i doubt that means filled with hatred and bitterness.

Then again, some females love guys who are completely "fùcked up" in their minds. And I certainly am not ashamed of anything I am feeling. However, the way I started to become in 2003 was very dark indeed... eventually, some time afterwards, I ended up seeing things a bit differently, and saw that a hatred against all that engage in what I see as immoral is exaggerated. However, my hatred towards those who are unfaithful and those who trick others into sex remained, needless to mention rapists and, for that matter, those who lie about some particular person having raped them... and then countless others with different hate qualities, but still, what came after the overwhelming hatred was not an exaggerated hatred. I guess what I should avoid is that overwhelming hatred that I felt back then... but then again, hatred masks the sorrow inside you... it's almost like a temporary cure until you find the real cure: true love. At the same time, though... such darkness rots you on the inside. It's rather strange how something that eats you up inside may feel so good, at times.

Whoever she is, she is indeed a rather unique girl, but shouldn't she understand my bitter feelings towards most things, in the world, then? My first real girlfriend, that I met via a forum (like the other two, on another forum), contacted me for this very reason - the fact that I was so bitter. Although I guess I am quite a bit more bitter now, than in the early part of 2008, when I met her. Still, shouldn't the girl I am seeking see the bitterness as a reason to contact me? That first ex of mine was very happy about how I suddenly got all cured, just because of her. Too bad she had to betray me, the way she did.

The main "problem" with the girl I want is the fact that she is likely to be very shy... something I rather even like. But as a result, she may find the dark nature of my mind as intimidating, I have seen. It's so ironic how those who may be perfect for each other may have the most difficulty to ever meet...

Yeah, I know I was once with her. :/ In fact, she and I have never really been parted at all... just not truly together, as one.

Is there any particular reason to why you are saying this? And despite the darkness, I know my importance to her - she is waiting for me as much as I am waiting for her. Fact is, though, my "evil" thoughts wouldn't interest me, particularly, anymore, if I had her. She'd cure me from everything. -_-

Not as bitter today, though. I probably will not go back to how I was in 2003, after all. But if this continues indefinitely, I will soon feel very dead, inside.

you cannot see the dark without the light. so, i would sugjest that the first step into changing the way you feel is recognizing the problem

good luck!