I find my degree interesting, but I just feel overwhelmed when I look at what I'm supposed to remember. The thing is, I am capable, I won a scholarship for being one of the top 3 in the class. I'm also on course for a first class honours, but I still always seem to fall apart, especially around exam time. Despite having evidence in front of me that I am intelligent and capable of the work, I still can't make myself believe it. I have had to repeat several semesters multiple times, because I was too ill with depression and anxiety to do my exams. I'm not sure if I want to put myself through it again.
I am actually studying part-time, doing my final year over 3 years, in fact. Yet looking at the text book still fills me with dread.
I think part of the issue is because I have lost my goal for a future career, so it sometimes feels like I'm just drifting through my degree, not really knowing why. When I left school, instead of going to university like the rest of my peers, I attended a psychiatric day hospital for two years. I was treated for social anxiety and clinical depression. I eventually became well enough to attend university. I had big plans to get my degree in biomedical science, then do a degree in medicine and become a doctor... It was something I dreamed about. In my first year, I got through my first semester with flying colours, and despite having some anxiety in my second semester, I managed to pass my exams again. By this point I realised I had something more than social anxiety (despite what the psychiatrist said), and I was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome during my second year. After the initial feeling of relief "now I know why I've always felt so different", I began to doubt I would ever become a doctor, because apparently you need "empathy" and "excellent communication skills". My dog also died around the same time. During the exam period I experienced extreme depression and anxiety. So much that I overdosed on beta blockers, and had to go to hospital. This started happening pretty much during every exam period, although I didn't overdose again after that, because I promised my parents I wouldn't. Although, it tended to be worse in the winter than in the summer. Eventually I decided to leave my traditional uni and try a part time distance learning course. So I'm pretty certain I'm not doctor material since you have to be able to cope with stress well.
I told myself I could become a research scientist instead, but I'm not entirely sure if I really want to. Tbh, I have no idea what I want to do anymore. I also wonder if the reason I keep trying to get a degree is to prolong the time before I have to work full time. I'm dreading it because I think I could end up being depressed again, because being around lots of "normal" people for a long time reminds me how different I am to them.
17 Jan 2011, 1:13 pm
