Don;t know what to do :(

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I suffer from really bad anxiety, and depression, at times. I'm trying to get my degree by stuying part-time distance learning, and, despite getting good results I'm finding it really hard to deal with the "uncertainty". When you're at school you're basically spoon fed the information you need to know for the exam, but at university you are given so much information, and expected to find the important parts. But I find it really difficult, sometimes I just sit not knowing what to do, and my head becomes clouded and i get depressed.

I'm wondering why I'm even bothering, I'm not particularly looking forward to getting a "proper" job. I work part-time in a supermarket and I get depressed sometimes as I don't really fit in with anyone. It makes me feel like "is this all I have to look forward to?". Why am I struggling for a degree just so I can be even more depressed. How am I supposed to cope in a full-time job if I can barely stand working around people for one day (not that I don't like them, but deing around people is like someone holding a miror up to me, showing me just how different I am to other people).

I wonder if I would just be happier living on disability, then I could spend time with my special interests and not have t be depressed and anxious anymore..

I've also noticed I dont really fit in here, or at my real life AS social-support group either. People don't seem to reply to my threads much, like this one for instance, and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong? Are my threads boring? Are they too long? Bad grammar putting people off? Writing style, maybe? Or is it that they just dnt resonate with people? I have no idea.

It's nothing like that. We're all just debating somewhere in another forum.

You fit in here. And perk up, you're young, and so is the night.

Are you interested in the subject area? Does the anxiety stem solely from worry about not getting good grades/worry about the future, or also from disliking what you're learning?

Are you trying to do too much with working part time and uni at the same time? That's a fair amount you "have on your plate" as we say here. Some of the things you describe, such as struggling with info overload and feeling disconnected from people happen to me when I'm stressed too.

I find my degree interesting, but I just feel overwhelmed when I look at what I'm supposed to remember. The thing is, I am capable, I won a scholarship for being one of the top 3 in the class. I'm also on course for a first class honours, but I still always seem to fall apart, especially around exam time. Despite having evidence in front of me that I am intelligent and capable of the work, I still can't make myself believe it. I have had to repeat several semesters multiple times, because I was too ill with depression and anxiety to do my exams. I'm not sure if I want to put myself through it again.

I am actually studying part-time, doing my final year over 3 years, in fact. Yet looking at the text book still fills me with dread.

I think part of the issue is because I have lost my goal for a future career, so it sometimes feels like I'm just drifting through my degree, not really knowing why. When I left school, instead of going to university like the rest of my peers, I attended a psychiatric day hospital for two years. I was treated for social anxiety and clinical depression. I eventually became well enough to attend university. I had big plans to get my degree in biomedical science, then do a degree in medicine and become a doctor... It was something I dreamed about. In my first year, I got through my first semester with flying colours, and despite having some anxiety in my second semester, I managed to pass my exams again. By this point I realised I had something more than social anxiety (despite what the psychiatrist said), and I was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome during my second year. After the initial feeling of relief "now I know why I've always felt so different", I began to doubt I would ever become a doctor, because apparently you need "empathy" and "excellent communication skills". My dog also died around the same time. During the exam period I experienced extreme depression and anxiety. So much that I overdosed on beta blockers, and had to go to hospital. This started happening pretty much during every exam period, although I didn't overdose again after that, because I promised my parents I wouldn't. Although, it tended to be worse in the winter than in the summer. Eventually I decided to leave my traditional uni and try a part time distance learning course. So I'm pretty certain I'm not doctor material since you have to be able to cope with stress well.

I told myself I could become a research scientist instead, but I'm not entirely sure if I really want to. Tbh, I have no idea what I want to do anymore. I also wonder if the reason I keep trying to get a degree is to prolong the time before I have to work full time. I'm dreading it because I think I could end up being depressed again, because being around lots of "normal" people for a long time reminds me how different I am to them.