hurt by friends mums reaction

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Ok well I have a really close friend who is also aspie and her mum and dad live nearby where we share a house. I come from a different background to her I grew up in a good part of town and my friend grew up in a less well off area where we currently live. I am an outgoing kind of aspie talkative etc. Anyway my friend Chloe's mum has been increasingly making it very clear that she doesn't like me or finds my personality difficult to handle she says things to chloe like "come on your own", "come on your own I am doing vacuuming" stuff like that. I managed to get out of Chloe last night that her mum had actually said something apparently along the lines that she finds me too full on and annoying. I was already hurt but felt more so when I found this out although I already had a suspicion. I am outspoken that I disagree with her over the top stance on safety because at 23 Chloe is old enough to make decisions for herself on safety and given Chloe's anxiety disorder all the talk her mum says to her only exacerbates that. However I have never personally critisised her mum in any way in fact I quite liked her until she started acting how she has lately. I am even more hurt because Chloe isn't exactly normal either and my family are accepting and understanding and invite her into their house. Also I have done so much to help Chloe I helped her get a licence, the disability pension etc and I would have thought her mum would have been pleased about that but she seems anything but.

Last edited by Catster29 on 07 Dec 2010, 10:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That does sound rather harsh, and I'm sorry you were hurt. However, I would say to just have nothing to do with Chloe's mother. You will always encounter people who don't like you, for whatever reason (this happens to everyone at some point), and you can't let it affect it you too much. Not to dismiss how you're feeling, mind you--I'm just saying that you can't change the way another person feels, justified or not.

This may be the result of some residual overprotectiveness on her mom's part. I hope that Chloe doesn't let this affect her too much.



I also think her mother may subconsciously *resent* (perhaps the wrong word, but I can't think of a better one right now) that you did stuff for her daughter that she couldn't. Some people can't tolerate losing control of any aspect of their children's lives.

Not condoning the behavior, mind you--this could be quite damaging--just trying to explain it.

Bottom line: try not to take it personally. I think she has some serious issues with the SITUATION (her daughter's attempts at independence) and is taking it out on you because you symbolize said situation (and are a handy target because you're around).

Hope that helped somewhat. You are being a very good friend, btw.

Take care.

I think her mum does resent it to an extent yeah and I do think she hates losing control of her daughter and I always thought that was part of it and it is. Her mum also thought that boy and girl aspies were different but thats not actually the case all aspies are different regardless of gender some are outspoken and loud, some are softly spoken it depends on the individual. I guess my feeling is that regardless of what her mum feels of me she should be putting that aside for Chloe's sake and be more accepting of differences. Afterall her mum and to a bigger extent her dad couldn't stand ben (chloe sisters boyfriend) for a long time but in time she learnt to accept him I wish she would do the same for me because I am a nice person but am different I acknowledge that and her mum doesn't know the full story either there are other reasons apart from AS that make me as I am.

Last edited by Catster29 on 07 Dec 2010, 10:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sadly, sometimes even when parents THINK (honestly) that they have their children's best interests at heart, they are really protecting their OWN egos/allaying their own fears and insecurities (overprotectiveness = assuring THEMSELVES that their children are okay at the expense of not letting the children learn to make themselves be okay, even if they make some mistakes in the process).



Maybe she will learn to accept you too. Again, a boyfriend takes some of the daughter's time/affections away from the mother, so maybe she resented him for that, too.

You are doing everything you can. Being a good friend to someone and helping them is one of the nicest things you can do. Her mother feels threatened. If your friend has you why does she need her mom. Her mom is behaving like a child and you are good to rise above.

Amen to that!

Hey guys, I am Chloe the friend Yeah I feel my Mum is not very fair on Catriona at all, I feel very stuck in the middle as catriona is a very dear friend to me and I love my family. I am actually too embarrassed to bring Catriona inside my parents house (I no longer reside there) not cos of anything she has done but cos of the way my mother treats her. I do have anxiety disorder, which is constantly made worse by her (Mum) bringing up the extreme negative in any situation. I am moving back to melbourne after living by myself in ballarat and I had trouble sleeping cos to me, every noise was someone coming to kill/hurt/rape/steal my stuff which is damaging to overall health. I am currently medicated and my hopes are to one day live with minimal anxiety but I wish I could explain that to my Mum.

Hi, Chloe, welcome to WP!

I can see that you are very aware of what is going on. Some people would completely deny that their parent was in the wrong--I applaud you for seeing and acknowledging the truth.

I hope that you soon get control of your anxiety too. However, at this point, don't concern yourself with trying to explain this to your mother--it sounds like she is not ready to hear/accept the fact that you might be able to survive without her (like I said in a post to Catriona, she is not yet willing to relinquish control). The fact that you no longer live at home was/is hard enough for her to deal with, which is part of why she treats Catriona so poorly.

I am glad that you have her as a friend, and vice versa. It's great that you can be there for each other.

In time, your mother will come around, but it can't be forced. Just keep living your life and remind yourself that you are a capable adult. My bf has issues with anxiety and depression too, but he deals with them. You can too.

Again, welcome aboard, and both of you take care.

wrong person posted lol

You are right and I definitely thank Chloe for understanding what is going on and admitting it as well. I reckon yes her mum not wanting to let go part of it but so is her lack of acceptance of difference I am who I am and despite being out there and disagreeing with her that isn't against the law. It must be hard to be stuck in the middle and that is why her mum should have made an effort and accepted me as my family have her. I think her mum might be resentful of my educated middle class parents I can tell this by comments that get made. My family is different to Chloe's, my mum and my stepdad John believe in allowing kids to make their own choices and expanding their boundaries. My family is all scattered across the world (I am in Aus) my brother lives in London and is a lawyer, my step brother in Berlin and is a sound technician and soon to be NY and my aunts, uncles and cousins are all overseas or interstate. My mum and stepdad do live here in Melbourne but are always travelling. According to Chloe's mum my parents "let" their kids move overseas and "don't care". That is so silly my brother is 27 years old he left Australia at 18 (an adult in this country for everything including drinking) so mum had no choice he made his choice and he likes it they also encourage me to the same and and some stage I hope that both me and Chloe can do it I think it would be good for us. That doesn't mean mum doesn't care and my educated background doesn't mean my family life is a bed of roses either mum is verbally abusive quite a lot of the time.

That's very true Catriona, just because someone's life seems perfect to someone doesnt mean that it is. I feel sad for your Mum that she wont see your brother grow up, but it isnt my place to judge and to me as long as everyone is happy thats all that matters.

wrong person again!!

Today Chloe's mum came around to help officially move chloe ito my place now our place. Anyway her mum was her usual self either giving me one word answers, rejection, interferring in decisions me and chloe had made or making snide comments until i eventually got really upset and angry. It was so very obvious how she felt today and it was totally un-called for as I was not rude in anyway that is until I was pushed to the limit and fought back (her mum said are you just going to sit there and do nothing, I retorted strongly that i was going help and baCK off).

Last edited by Catster29 on 12 Dec 2010, 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Parents should practice what they preach in other words tolerance and understanding I matter to Chloe and that is all that should matter ok our families are different but that's due to being in a different part of town.

Chloe's mum seriously I am going to say something I regret to her soon!! She makes it so clear she doesn't like me and makes really ill informed comments and judgements.

Apparently all the decisions Chloe makes are my fault no one has that much of a psychological stranglehold on someone else and that i cause the mum's issues because I am "full on". And she makes comments about my mum "abandoning" me by going overseas all the time hello I am nearly 31 and quite capable of looking after myself. In fact I like it when she is os because it keeps her out of my hair. Chloe and I spoke to a counsellor and I agree with what she was saying that the mum feels threatened by our friendship, my intelligence and education I feel that is the case and it makes me feel a little better. At the end of the day I know that what her mum thinks is irrelevant and it is what Chloe thinks that matters I have done nothing wrong and her mum can't deal with her daughter growing up and making her own decisions and is looking for someone to blame. Chloe tried to talk to her mum about my background and give the mum some insight but it seemed to make little difference. As the counselor said the best way to handle it is probably for Chloe to just cut her mum off at the kneecaps if she makes comments. People choose people they are close to for any number of reasons I like Chlo and she likes me and thats all that matters. What outsiders think is their issue at the end of the day unless the person is encouraging illegal behaviour or something.

it's good to see multiple angles on this problem. There's good information from both of you to work on. Some of this may seem to offend, but be assured that I mean no harm.

First off, some families are very close together, almost a tightly-knit "clan" of sorts. I'd like to know if any of Chloe's family works or have worked overseas before. Did something go wrong because of that? On the other hand do they all live close together?

Second; I tend to agree with the counselor, that Chloe's mother may be intimidated by her best friend's education and intelligence. However, it beats me as to why the mother just ain't smart enough to see what her daughter wants... it might be because of some daft preconception.

Chloe: as far as I can see with Catriona's latest post, you mum doesn't seem to help you at all, while Catriona surely does try her best to make sure you get the help you need. As she may not listen to the insight you have tried to give her, you have to try something harder, like telling her that she doesn't help you by being angry at your friend. This might give you the answers directly from her that you are both looking for.
If your mother still doesn't listen to you, i'll give you this Danish saying: Hvis man ikke vil høre, så må man føle, which translates to: if one does not want to listen, then one must feel. This essentially means cutting her off at the kneecaps, and last, but not least puts a consequence in place for her if she doesn't accept how you live your life. Putting that consequence in place will force her to listen if she still loves you.
It will be hard on you, but it's up to you to make her see the world from your point of view. But it's also up to you if you want to go that far for Catriona. Think things through at least twice and wait until you are ready, but you have to face the music no matter what if you want to get out of the problem.

Catriona: Your best bet will be to help Chloe through this and stand by her side as a comrade, and most importantly, don't say anything to Chloe's mother that'll make the problem even worse. But frankly, you should have a bucketful of gold medals for what you have done to help your friend in need this far.

I hope you can use my advice