Any advice?

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I'm 17, female (as you can probably guess from my username), and I live in England. I'm pretty sure that I have some kind of depression and/or anxiety (I have a lot of the symptoms for both, but I don't really like to self-diagnose myself, although both my Connexions personal advisor and the school counsellor agree with me). I am having my first assessment appointment in about 6 weeks with a psychologist from the mental health team that the school counsellor has recently referred me to. We (the counsellor and I) also have suspicions about me maybe having Asperger's syndrome so in due course that will be checked too (but perhaps not for many months, I don't know).

My problem at the moment is that even though I have an appointment from which I will hopefully start to receive more support, the last month or so has been a huge struggle for me. I've been having a couple of panic attacks a week, I'm self-harming about once or twice a week. I'm not sleeping properly, I'm not eating properly. My room is really messy, so much so that I think the dust is setting off my allergy. I just don't know where to start with cleaning it though and I'm really struggling to motivate myself even though it's gotten to the extent where it's actually making me ill. I'm struggling to keep up with school work too. I also have no social life at all (which is rare for me); I get invited out a lot but I always cancel at the last minute because I just can't make myself go out. Instead, I stay home and spend a lot of time in bed (but not sleeping; I can never fall asleep for some reason). I'm vomiting one or two days a week, which is causing me to miss some school and that's the only place I go out any more. I also get headaches most days, occasional migraines (like once a fortnight or sometimes less often), and random back pains. I am not enjoying staying home so often but at the same time I don't want to go out anywhere. I'm not getting on well with my parents and sister (as usual) or my brother (which is unusual).

None of my family know how I am feeling exactly or that I am getting help for it. I have a lot of friends who are lovely but I don't feel comfortable getting 'close' to them. I'm the person that everybody comes to when they have a problem and honestly, I want to help everybody but it is really taking it's toll. I worry so much about everyone who comes to me for help and I feel that I don't help them anyway; sometimes maybe I have a placebo effect or something; other times they get really offended and angry at me (I'm honest with them, although I never try to intentionally hurt them), which makes me feel very horrible.

I have no real interest in any activities any more. I used to go to orchestra and a youth club, both of which I have quit recently. I was also learning to drive and have stopped doing that too.

I am really sorry for this message being so long and perhaps pointless but I just...I don't know what to do. Everything feels like so much effort. Even my personal hygiene is slipping (not to a dangerous extent though). And I am always so alienated from everybody...the loneliness is just crippling sometimes. I don't feel like I have a future, or any goals. The only reason I try so hard to get on with my school work is because it makes my parents and teachers pleased and I temporarily feel slightly better when they say nice things about me doing well (I am aware just how attention seeking that sounds and it disgusts me).

Well...yeah. I guess I'm done now.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so badly. It sounds like part of what you're suffering from is anhedonia, which I can certainly sympathize with. It's hard for me to offer advice about it, as it's something I struggle with a lot myself. However, I can recommend a few things.

I think the most important is not to give up and come to believe that nothing can interest or provide enjoyment for you. I recommend trying new things: try new activities and hobbies, go new places, read about new topics. Even going for a walk on a nice day (without a music player!) can be very relaxing and pleasant. It may be difficult to get into the habit, but exercise does help with depression, too. I also recommend mindfulness and meditation, which are shown to improve one's sense of well-being (among other things). Eating properly and having a healthy sleep schedule can also be very beneficial and important for both one's physical and mental health.

I'm glad to hear you will be getting counseling soon--I hope that is able to help you. And your message wasn't at all pointless. There's no need to apologize. I only wish I could offer some easy solution. The things I mentioned may not sound impressive, but they can help if you give them a try.

Best wishes to you.

Thank you. I hadn't even heard of anhedonia before your post, but I read about it and yes, it does sound applicable to me. Next week I have a week off school which I am hoping will help me start to look after myself again as I won't be under so much pressure and I can do things at my own pace. Although, it's Wednesday and I haven't even left the house since school on Friday. I really should go into school tomorrow because I am not really physically ill any more and I have an appointment with the school counsellor tomorrow, who I haven't seen in two weeks now (I couldn't make my last appointment unfortunately). The idea of going out is really making me anxious though and I don't even know why; after all, usually I like school. It's strange.

Thanks for your suggestions, I will really bear them in mind. It's just really hard to motivate myself into doing things, but I know that I really need to try otherwise I will just be stuck in this rut for ages.