i wish i was dead!

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Im not normally the sort of person who would post things like this bacause i wouold normally keep it bottled up in my head but if i dont i think i will explode! i hate everything!! i hate my life! im sick of being tortured by shadows that arnt there im sick of being always afraid! just once it would mean the world to me if the kindness of anyone would just sit with me they wouldnt even have to say anything just be there to know that i am cared about or say its going to be ok when im scared or be there when im lonley and not force me to talk when i dont want to or cannot! sometimes i wish people were mind readers so i wouldnt have to struggle to explain what is going on in my head no one knows and it tortures me everydayfor 2 days now i have been seriolsy thinking about suicide i dont want to but if i go on like this much longer i fear i have no choice. sorry to rant about my pathetic life.

welcome to the forum

Rest easy. We all feel like that sometimes.

I think you should be aware that, while your feelings aren't without their validations, your conclusion that the only way to escape this is to kill yourself, is illogical, and here are some reasons why.

1. Part of the intensity of your emotions at the moment is due to the fact that you are 18, and your brain is undergoing structural changes, driven by the various hormones of the endocrine system. This can make your world feel like it's caving in on you, or like you are trapped in a bad situation, but rest assured, it's only an illusion and almost everyone experiences it at some point during their teenage years.

2. This will eventually pass, probably faster than you think. Your brain will reach it's adult state and your neurological structure and hormone levels will stabilize. Crappy environmental factors usually pass as well simply due to the fact that time doesn't stand still. Another way of looking at it is, you can't remain at this point in your life forever even if you wanted to, any more than we can remain at any point in our lives.

3. Anxiety can actually be treated fairly easily and there are many psychiatrists who specialize in anxiety treatment. You should look into seeing one. You have nothing to lose.

4. There are plenty of opportunities to make friends in the world, especially for someone your age. People on the spectrum just seem to have a hard time recognizing those opportunities and taking advantage of them, but you have an advantage that older individuals on the spectrum did not at your age, and that's the fact that there are now social skills programs for teens and adults with AS, HFA, and related issues. Just as there is a good friend out there for you somewhere, you are someone's good friend that they simply haven't had the opportunity to meet yet.

So I do hope you go talk to someone about your anxiety and social issues and let them help you improve your life.

mm, Despicable Me was an awesome movie. One of my faves from last year ^^

I'm sorry you feel that way. There are always people on WP who will listen to you. Not as good as friends in real life, but it's a good start and it is often easier to write about how you feel than to talk to someone face-to-face about it. This is a great place to share your thoughts, get advice, make a few friends, and just get away from the 'real world'.

Where in NSW do you live, if you don't mind me asking?

it's hard. I'm sorry you're hurting.

I wish I knew what to say that could help. I can and do promise you that you are not alone. Also, please remember that it will get better. I can't count the number of times that I felt like you do in my life, yet I do know that it gets better and can say that from experience.

Please hang in there and keep writing us. We are here to listen.

At least you've found a place where you can express these feelings - that's more than most people ever get to do. And there are plenty of understanding folks here who will be glad to listen and sympathize. That's worth a lot.

Also, you have an important goal, as you said "it would mean the world to me if the kindness of anyone would just sit with me". Well, you're going to have to stay alive to experience that. But I can attest to the fact that it can and sometimes does happen. And it's incredible, it's well worth whatever you have to put up with to get there.

I personally have stayed alive only because of the human kindness that I have been lucky enough to be the recipient of. Believe it can happen, you have to believe it's reason enough to stay alive and keep pushing forward, no matter how bad things may seem right now.