I suck. :'(

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Sorry guys, I'm going to be depressed for a while so deal with it. I am NOT going back on my anti depressants. I've been off them for almost 8 months and I'm not going back to them now. They are part of what made me as fat and ugly as I am now anyway.

I feel like a failure in almost every sense of the word. The only thing I'm good at is being a student and I'll only be doing that for another couple of months. After that, it's off to boring, disappointing, depressing adulthood where my sole existence is to work and pay off bills forever.

I want to be able to move but I need a job first. When I get a job I'll be stuck in that location and won't be able to move unless I can be transferred to another location, which can take years. So I'll be living at home, only having my mother, brother and grandma for social interaction until I can drive and get a car but let's face it, I'll never be able to do that. I f*****g suck too much to be able to drive. That's something only competent people can do.

My diet is failing. The school has been closing so much for snow that I haven't been able to use their gym more than once a week. At this rate, I'll gain back everything I lost and will be that much uglier for it, which will lead to me being alone until I can afford surgery because let's face it, who else but the bottom of the barrel would want a b***h as ugly as me?

I suck so much I can't even perform basic human functions. I can't read faces, I can't f*****g orgasm. Seriously? That's something the apes could figure out but I can't because I'm broken as a human.

(hugs Erisad)

Sorry you feel that way. SSRIs do cause weight gain, especially with the typical college diet. I gained 55 lbs on Risperdal, and it wasn't until I was able to quit chocolate that I was able to begin losing it. Exercise is overrated anyway, 70% of it is diet, and if you have cravings there's a reason, like I was iron deficient so I craved chocolate (empty calories).

I think your sexual problems are the result of your bf (probably inexperience and not knowing HOW to please a woman, how old is he anyway) and not your fault. I doubt it has anything to do with size, either his or yours-technique is what counts. Why can't you drive? Has anybody tried to teach you? Do you have an excessive amount of college loans (like in the multi-tens of thousands)? You might qualify for forbearance, especially if you can't find a job in a year, which is very possible.

I think you're too hard on yourself, you don't need drugs but a break. DO NOT go back to alcohol, it will make you an alcoholic, then your life really WILL suck. I felt like my life was over when I was your age, and part of it is AS and the problems it causes, you need to learn how to compensate. Maybe you can write articles for websites and live on your own?

Dear Erisad seeing how your very harsh towards yoruself reminds me of my own being for, I too have often beat myself up for not being able to not only do a great many things whether socially or mentally but, simply feeling a sensse of contentment about my own life is a struggle in itself.. I feel that your not the screwup by any account for, you do sincerely try at some things if not all things and that means your still human.. I'm not sure if what I'm saying is meaning a great deal yet, you should not give up on yourself.
I honestly & sincerely wish you the possibility of being able to find contentment in life regardless of what form it might take...

Hey, when I was 21 I sucked too, and I also believed that things would never get better, and that I was doomed for failure for the rest of my life.

One year later... It's amazing the things that can happen in a year, things you don't expect.

Do you think you might could possible be asexual Erisad Inability to orgasm could be that or it might could possibly be side-effects from some of the meds you were on even thou you've been off for a while they could of caused long term things; if it's the latter a doc might be able to help. It sounds like your kinda stuck in a bad situation rite now & don't have a lot of options & that's what's stressing you out. Stressing yourself out worrying about things is NOT helping you at all. It might be better to try & take things one issue at a time. Try to concentrate on your school issues rite now & after you graduate you can worry about getting a job & driving. You might could lose a lot of weight 1ce your out of college & have better food options available; stress from everything could cause weight gain BTW I've seen pix of you on WP & I do NOT think you are ugly. You are being too hard on yourself. I tend to be my worst critic sometimes to. I hope something I've said helps or at least makes you feel better

I would suggest not worrying about your sexual issues rite now. It's possible that things going on in your life could of caused sexual problems. Try not to worry about finding someone either rite now. Give yourself time to get over him & focus on other things going on in your life instead. I've been a lot happier lately sense I quit worrying about being alone & trying to find someone; it caused a lot of stress & problems for me that I'm much better off without.
Also avoid looking in the mirror more than you have to to do hair & stuff. Mirrors can make the most beautiful person feel ugly because they have a knack for only showing certain things & they do not show all the beauty.
I know what you mean about being left alone. I'm not going to post about how it relates to me here because you've seen a lot of my post but I would highly recommended that you try to keep yourself occupied with something. Force yourself to do whatever school work you need to, go to the gym when you can, spend time on WP chatting with online friends ect. Do NOT give up or give in to the emotional stress & depression because that can make things a lot worse. If you need someone to talk to you can PM me.