Does anyone know this feeling? Can anyone help it?

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone.

I am feeling so overly mentally complex recently and I don't know if I can filter it all out. I have ambitions for my career that is rather unconventional and not easy to satisfy, when I'm in a boring Town that just isn't at all about striving for goals or ambition.

I am a good songwriter with both lyrics and music, but lately I have not been able to want to compose.

I am constantly having identity crisis's, and I seem to find a sense of dreaming when I feel sorrowful like Mozart or Tom Waits... picturing, imagining my pain to be like their's - I assume Tom Waits isn't always particularly happy.

I feel lost and stuck... I need to get out of this boring town and see the world, and expand my goals and dreams... I have no time for other careers at the moment - music is the only way I want to go, and I would also like to be a Catalyst and Activist, for people with Asperger Syndrome and Autism Spectrum Conditions, as well.

I feel selfish and evil - sometimes, I just feel like I'm sadistically trying to get at people and hurt them - feeling cold and robotic sometimes.
I feel scrutinized by politicians, got at by them... I feel like they are trying to beat me down and hurt me... I feel like corrupt people are going to try to break my potential and stop my dreams from happening.

I never really see people outside the house in a way that isn't structured for me - events, for example. I feel neglected in life, and the temptation to withdraw into myself and feel like some kind of poetic martyr is a strong one when I feel ill and neglected.

I cannot really stand the terribly boring scenery of the world these days... it's so cold - I mean all these roads, flats, cars, they are boring, depressing... and I cannot stand all the noise that happens, and the news, and all these things that clog up my mind with phobias and depression.

I know I am capable, because not so long ago, I did indeed work rather hard in keeping myself at least clean via washing, made my bed, helped with cooking at times, played music, exercised, meditated.
Now, however, I have slipped back into a rather major depression, and I feel incapable, paranoid, evil, troubled, not looked after well in life.

I still remember my ex girlfriend and that hurts me too. I cannot forget things that hurt me - they strike right at my phobias and lack of feeling an identity. I know I shouldn't do this to myself, but I feel like a victim in life.

I really could do with some help.

I want to remember that I am a good Artist who can only get better... yes, I am flawed and yes, I am not yet a great musician, and the fact I'm not great sometimes just makes me want to give up on myself sometimes... but I can become very skilled, and I can learn about computers and self promotion.

I am in a state of depression right now, and I have no Counselor or Psychiatrist to turn to at the moment, and none of them seem to understand my problems with hyper overactive thinking and OCD, but then maybe I haven't been trying enough.

Everyone who knows me seems to reckon me as a good musician, but I seldom do myself... I think it's too unpolished... not deep enough... not creative enough.

Hello.

I cannot identify with all of your feelings, but I know some of them all too well. I can identify with feeling "overly mentally complex" for sure.

Do you have a friend? Is there anyone who can help you get out of yourself, even in minor ways? I know that when I get to thinking about stuff too much sometimes being around another human being who just wants to go for a nice walk in the park is helpful.

The OCD stuff sounds unpleasant. I have no advice here because I have not been through it.

You're probably not going to want to hear this, but I think part of your difficulty is your age. I know when I was younger I thought I had to solve all of my problems all at once, and get my life together all at once, and and and. It didn't work out that way, but eventually I got to a point where my life was something I could, well, live with. It helped when I stopped hitting myself with the "should" stick......

I wish you well.

You sound very restless and like you need some kind of change in your life. Maybe you could get out of your town or area at least for awhile? I think if you can get away (at least mentally, but physically as well would probably be better) you will better be able to sift through your feelings and find some kind of inspiration for your music again. The composers you like may also be influencing your moods as well and temporarily separating yourself from the mindsets of others (dead or alive) might do you some good.