must vent...

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So I get home from a trip to the bookstore. One of the books I purchase has a DVD within it so I desire to watch it on my laptop computer. After playing with the dog for a few minutes I head to my room. I notice this loud music coming from somewhere. First I think it is from outside but it doesn't go away. I then realize it is from the room next to me. This is very irritating because this indicates it is my step-brother who hasn't been at the house for two weeks (except to grab a couple things). I had very much gotten used to NOT having his loud (or high bass at night) music on to make it impossible to function/sleep.

(I should note here that my stepbrother has a learning disorder* and also has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder)

*My stepmother used to always tell me, sometimes in front of him, "he reads at a sixth grade level, and you are telling me you (whatever I said she objects to)."

So I go outside his room and start to ask politely to turn it down. I say: "Stevie..." I stop because I then get really nervous. I get really nervous because most of the time (at least in the last hundred times I have asked him) when I have requested that my step-brother to turn his music down he gets very very furious. OK, that isn't strictly correct. After pacing around the house losing control of myself I ask him SEVERAL TIMES. Then he gets angry. He doesn't say ANYTHING to me if I just ask him politely, at least usually.

So after declining to continue I parade into the living room where my step-mother (who currently regard me roughly as "the plague") and her other step-son (her oldest aprox. 27, he oddly popped in just couple of days ago and hasn't left or explained why he is here). I ask the two of them if they could "please" ask Stevie to turn his music down. They say maybe he would be more willling if my tone was more polite. Now, I can't say for sure that my tone sounded polite, but it was intended as polite. I that last sentence to them. My stepmother went "huff" and said something about me not being polite now. Both my stepmother and my oldest stepbrother (Jeremy) now told me that I should just go and tell Stevie politely to turn his music down. I told them what I told you I few seconds ago. That I didn't want to make him angry. This made my step-mom really upset and offended for some reason, as if I said something crazy and absurd. This makes no sense to me because Stevie has blown his top many 'a time over reducing his radio's volume level (although it is more the bass that it the problem).

Someone (she and Jeremy insist it is me and perhaps it is was but I don't remember for certain) started yelling. She told me I wouldn't let Stevie have "a couple of hours" of fun and that I ruined everybodies lives by demanding people turn everything down really low. I disagreed, pointing out I didn't demand they turn their living room TV's down usually because it isn't loud enough, and demand Stevie always turn his radio down because sometimes it isn't bad enough or the bass isn't that bad (I often wear headphones to block out the noise, but it doesn't block out everything and sometimes I can't sleep or function). At some point I also objected to Stevie having the right to just show up at the house whenever he wanted to like he lived at the place (although obviously as the owners they have final say, but I rather annoyed at this point) when he was almost never there. I'm not sure when I did that exactly because my memory of the events is kinda vague. I asked her in annoyance if she had read anything I had given her. She said she yes, and added she was tired of reading and being bothered by me and reading things as I had not been diagnosed by a doctor with AS. She added that I had been acting "differently" since I started reading stuff on the internet, and stated that what I read just gave me an excuse to act the way I did. I, after a moments digestion, responded angrily that what she said was false (with some exceptions, I gain confidence when speaking about things I know and gives the "appearence" perhaps of altered behavior, additional I went into "withdraw" due to lack of a CPU), and that her own complaints about me, over time, had not changed over time. I asked for specific incidences of changes. After dithering, she responded that I was "part of the family," "engaged in coversations," and generally said I followed the rules and did things without asking. It should be noted this does not follow with her complaints to me from before I started reading up on AS (which was perhaps as much as eight months ago as I recall, I didn't initially gain as second interest in the topic until very recently).

I was somewhat confused as to what she had said at it was changed so dramatically (except perhaps to a degree: not following rules and doing things around the house, which I could explain by the complete lack of positive motivation that comes from her, although I have been doing better in the last week or so). However, the "part of the family" comment is addressed easily enough. I used to like the show Law and Order and enjoyed watching it. So did they (at night after getting home from work). Sometimes I watched it with them, and discussed the plots, characters, and flaws (they didn't like me pointing out flaws) (perhaps that explains the "conversations" part, otherwise I have no idea) But I lost interest in it and they stopped watching it aprox. the same time. They started watching CSI. No offense, obviously, to those who enjoy CSI but I can't stand the show. Then they started watching the Food Channel which I also hate. And my dad started flipping channels ALL THE TIME which drives me crazy. And the TV is on too loud now. And I get more enjoyment out of things other then TV more.

I didn't think of these at the time, but I wanted to explain why finding the information on AS on the internet could at least appear to change my behavior a bit (Jim's confident, Jim's depressed; Jim's sitting in his room doing nothing, Jim's obsesssing about his losts keys for the third time today), but she didn't want to to talk about that at all, and said at that very moment that I should just go away. When I asked for more specifics from her she (as she always does, same with my dad) refused.

She also repeated told me "stop acting like a two-year old." Earlier it was "ruining my entire life," and now it is "stop acting like a two year old." Why do people think meaningless slogans actually have any well...meaning?

My dad later came and I thought I would try to get support but before I could say anything he yelled at me. Things got nowhere with him (I am getting pretty tired so I will wrap this up). He seems pretty annoyed with me. He said in aggrevation "we have been trying to solve this thing since the eighth grade." This was after telling me he trusted my therapists more then me because they are "professionals," and telling me I should stop seeing them if I fee they are "quacks" since he doesn't want to "waste money" like he has been on me. (Because it's REALLY easy for me to break off with people I am dependent on even if I know I have to. It's not as if I have EXPLAINED THIS TO YOU ALREADY!! ! Sorry. )

I have been trying for more then a week to get an appointment set up with a specialist for a diagnosis (a Dr. Kay of Lancastor, PA), but my dad seems to be dragging his feet. Later in the evening, I went to see a cousin for the second time to consult her, and decided to ask him if I could call her to set the appointment. To my surprise after coming home my dad said yes. I will do it tomorrow hopefully.

Best to end on an up note I think.

I suck at being the voice right here but trust me I've been there with almost all of this, though the only advice is if they complain about you not watching TV enough anymore watch the movie Matilda with them (never actually had the guts to do this myself but it seems like it would be fun and I've always dreamed of doing it lol).

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[swearing removed by lau] ... as long as we smile"
Im tired of smiling.

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I know!

Things like that happen!

I hope things work out!

That Sucks

That does suck dude. Get yourself some really good earplugs...the kind made for people that work in loud environments. But that won't help the with the un-saa un-saa bass sound that you feel inside your body, but it may muffle it a little. You might find that you like wearing your earplugs most of the time then. And continue ignoring the step brothers as much as you can.