Okay, I admit it. I'm depressed.

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I am depressed. I just did a google search on the three women I used to hang out with when I was in my twenties. One doesn't show up anywhere on the net, but the other two women have made it big. I mean really really BIG.

One woman is a multi-millionaire and CEO. Geez, I'd heard she was doing well, but I never imagined she was doing THAT well. The other woman who I grew up with is now married to a well known writer. The third who doesn't show up has a great job in a huge corporation.

The only reason I even knew these women and hung out with them, or had any friends at all was because the woman I grew up with, the one who is now married to the well known writer, allowed me to hang out with her and her friends.

I am depressed because I never made it like they did. They would probably kill themselves if they had to live my life. My aspie spouse is on disability. He gets a wopping $248 dollars to live on per month. After my income is taken into account the social service's reduces his cheque. We really struggle. I'm working part time at a job someone gave me out of pity. In a short time, and after a struggle to learn during which I thought I was going to be fired, I now seem to be doing well at this part time job. But my income is very minimal.

I struggled to achieve many goals and worked hard to try to achieve my goals for years but my LD and other comorbids really effected my social skills and ability to succeed in employment. Otherwise I could have been successful. I am certainly as intelligent as the young women I hung out with in my twenties, but somehow I severely lacked whatever it takes to be successful.

I've been up since 4:30 a.m. thinking about all of this.

I feel angry and VIOLATED because I had to live with this "brain disorder" called Asperger's for most of my life without diagnosis. And all the time that I was struggling I could never articulate what was wrong because I had no diagnosis. Not knowing what was wrong meant that I could not make effective decisions to manage my disability.

I finally got my diagnosis at age 41. I suppose I should be grateful for that mercy.

I'm depressed right now and I am going to take some time today to just work through it all, and grieve.

Thank you, Jonathan.

Your words are very kind and wise. I do feel better now from reading your post.

Anandamide, we could all compare to Bill Gates and feel miserable, but as Jonathan79 said, what good does it make me to feel like that?

Have you asked for help? Family, your parents, etc.

I´m just glad that I could be of some help. Its very very hard to see any type of good when we are depressed (sometimes its impossible, otherwise we wouldn´t be depressed!), but keep working at it, its there! Of course, you should never ignore the bad because thats what motivates us to do better, but, just try to balance that with a little recognition of some good, that way there´s no avalanche of bad thoughts and you have some room to breathe, and, you just might be able to find some balance in there somewhere. Good luck!

anandamide

I don't think it is healthy to compare your life to the lives of others that you used to spend time with. You don't know what they traded to get that success that you would not or could not have.

I've got a friend who fought her way to "corporate success" and I wouldn't do what she did for a million dollars. For starters she had to wear extremely uncomfortable clothes to look professional and for seconds she works really stupid hours. She'd take long lunches with business associates for work, but they were hardly relaxing and she'd start work at 8am and not get home until 10pm and all her hobbies went to hell. No more horse riding. Try telling that to the horse who isn't getting his regular outings and exercise. And she also didn't have time to look after her health properly, no time for exercise or making healthy food. So now she's got diabetes. Great. Just Great. She's really successful though - high paying jobs and all.

My brother is also following a similar path. He's working two jobs in an entrepreneurial line, and he doesn't get to see his family nearly as much as I think would be good. His wife wants to get out there and work too in the line of business entrepreneur but someone has to look after the kids. On the good side, he did cook dinner and do the washing up the other night, but only after spending the day (Saturday) working. I'd be knackered well before I got that far and then I'd want to sleep for a week.

I used to work a regular job for someone else but it drove me nuts. Especially as they kept saying stuff like you will do this ethically compromising thing or we will sack you. Yeah right, they still haven't found someone else to do the job that I used to at that company. And I am much happier setting my own terms, when I work and how much I get paid. It isn't as lucrative, but lucre is no good when you've got no time to enjoy it and the gaining of it is killing your health.

Wow!

First off, I didn't think that considering what you wrote, I would be able to find these women online if I were you. If you search public records online, that is very invasive, and it doesn't matter how well you think you know the person if you do decide to do something like this.

You have been up since 4:30am? Wow! You must be really obsessed! I hope you're getting some sleep!

Lastly, I want to say that I understand you. It is hard to live with something like AS because you have social difficulties. You mean well, but you just can't help anything bad, I know.

It must be like this. You want someone's phone number, but you just can't get it because you don't want to be invasive.

I hope things improve with you soon!

My mother worked hard all her life. She had two weeks sick time in over twenty-five years of working for the Hudson Bay company as head cashier in a restuarant. Her wage was quite low. The company promised a $30,000 pay out to employees who'd worked that long when they retired. Shortly before my mother retired the company changed that policy. She got layed off with barely enough to cover next month's rent and worked part time for minimum wage for a few years before taking early retirement.

Poor women have to leave their kids so they can go to work too.

Thanks all for helping to lift my spirits. I spent yesterday feeling very gloomy but I am better now. I still keep on trying, so please dont think I am without any hope.

Being poor sucks.

On the other hand I did find boxes of Chevre goat cheese on sale at the liquidators yesterday. They were selling $7 to $9 tubes of Chevre for 49 cents because the expiry date is passed! So now I am making bruchetta on crostini with goat cheese and tomato and rosemary.

Being poor doesnt mean always going without any little luxury. Once in awhile we get a lucky break. I am going to make some lemonade with ice and eat the bruchetta with chevre and enjoy this immensely.

well, the second one didnt 'make it', she just married someone. Not the same.

anandamide

I think you might be asking that age old question about whether or not selling your soul to the devil (or any equivalent) is worth it or not.

I suggest you already know that for you it would not have been worth it. I had the opportunity several times to go out with (and maybe even marry) guys who are now very successful in terms of starting their own companies and making lots of money. But I didn't and I'm not sorry - even though I still like those guys, I would have been miserable if I'd married them. They'd have been happy so long as they didn't notice that I'd be miserable.

So you might not be so successful in terms of money, but you are in many other ways that those other women who sold out are not. Maybe they're miserable despite their cushy lifestyle, who knows. Maybe they're not, but perhaps they made a lot of other people miserable to get where they are now - and while they're content with that, maybe you wouldn't have been.

It is possible to get out of the poverty rut no matter how poor you are. I think you could start by reading Rich Dad Poor Dad
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/044667 ... e&n=283155

It doesn't give you very clear instructions on how to get there, but it does give you a good idea on the attitude adjustment you need to do it.