I'm going to kill myself :/

Post Reply New Topic

I give up.


I found a girl over the Internet, in April of 2008, that I loved. But the love was not fated, true love. It was fake. She was unfaithful to me in July, the following year. "At least we never met", I later thought. "At least I'm still a virgin', I cheered myself with.

Then I found a girl in May, last year, also over the net. I kind of loved her, too. But she was a fake. Almost all she had told me was a lie, I was informed, in October, after she had had sex with her ex-boyfriend that was together with her "best friend". Bye to her, too.

Then I found another girl, in December, that I had so much in common with. I loved talking with her. We just talked and talked and we both loved it - I know she did, too. She was not a liar - I really could tell. But then she got mad at me for the smallest thing and lost interest in me, and broke up with me on Christmas Eve. Tried to get her back twice. No. Just "No."

Then I now have found out that mildly to very sexual manga and anime won't just get illegal in Europe, but in Japan, too. My only interest that remains is taken away from me. It is, in fact, my *only* remaining interest.


I just don't want to live in this world, anymore. I have really tried to find true love. I really have. It's just enough, now. It's enough. If some "higher power" has been testing me, it has tested me past my limit. I have always tried to stay strong. Always tried to remain optimistic. I always am kind to people around me. Most people end up liking me. But of course, behind the kindness and extroversion that is mixed with my introversion is a pure sadness and bitterness, and hatred. I am always right at the edge. Always. But all the time I have managed to convince myself of a bright future with my true love... so I have managed to lie to myself. I was not born here for any other reason than this one: I was just meant to unhappily end my life. That is all there is for me. I see it, now.

I wonder how my mother will react when she finds my dead body? How much will she cry? Will she hit my dead body out of sorrow? Will I be able to make my spiritual presence known?

I just have to move out, before I do it. Move to my apartment that I've had for years. Haha, yes, years - haven't had the energy to move out for four years. Still live with my parents, haha. Well, I know many do, here; you here who do do not have to be ashamed - I understand how hard it can be. The damned routine of doing nothing. Haven't had a working computer for years, either.... five years and eight months, actually. I know perfectly well how to put one together, but no energy, and I don't like laptops.

I guess that's all I have to say.

Nah. Losers are people who quit too early, and you are not a loser.

If you have AS, you'll have trouble figuring out who is or is not chaotic. I had the same trouble when younger. Just learn the lessons and keep plugging away. Try to remember the early warning signs of chaotic behavior that you observed and didnt react to previously and remember them next time. Don't be afraid to end relationships to save yourself trouble if you sense something isnt right.

If you are just completely burned out on women, take a break for a few months or a year. You'll heal in time. If you feel that special interests can't hold you in the meantime, you just need to find a new one. There is always something interesting in the world even if you can't see it right now.

And If all else fails, a change of scenery always works for me. Clears my head.

What is a loser?

I have always found that question as relevant. It is a percepted thing. Like the filth I avoid. It is I who have decided what is and isn't filth. Others have differing views.

Someone who quits too early, and you still have way too much energy to stop doing what you do!

Please shut up.

Your "god" is a supporter of rape and whatnot in the old testament. And don't tell me it is not the same god, for according to the bible, christianity is a monoteistic religion. So it IS the same god. And that god was a story made up by Sumerian writers. And the ten commandments were written by some random king of great influence. And Jesus either came to be from a) infidelity (or other bad things she didn't want to tell her husband) or b) alien insemination. I guess aliens seems likely, considering that bright light in the sky... haha.

I don't have energy, though. Why do you think I still live at home, despite having an apartment? Not because I like it.

I just want to die. Die die die die die. Die. Die.

I am curious: Where did you hear "god" is "a supporter of rape and whatnot"?

I have never before heard anyone say that.

No one checks out those reference numbers, you know, when you post them. I even have a bible and I've only opened it to check a quote that the confirmation priest wrote in it. Never read the useless book. If I'd want a book that gives me some hope, it'd be a hentai manga and not some bore-ass bible. I've left the church, by the way. So according to your religion, I'm going to hell, anyway. Not that hell exists. Well, I guess Earth is hell, maybe?

Jesus reincarnated into something else. Maybe into your neighbour. Maybe into me. But even if I found out I was Jesus in my past life, I would not find interest in the bible.

Also, your response addresses nothing in my reply to you.

Each person has his or her own way of trying to be encouraging to others.

In the old testament, god's people, the jewish people, go and rape random people, including children, in some village, and even take them as slaves, I think. God supported them without fail. Something of that sort. I can't remember exactly and I don't care.

Not that I judge a whole people on what a group out of them do, but it was something specific that god made clear that okayed it.

Last edited by Beauty_pact on 18 Feb 2011, 7:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This thread is (inadvertently) hilarious.

Thanks... I'm trying my best.

Going to bed, now. Goodnight.

Dude, you're not allowed to kill yourself. You're too awesome.

Yeah, the god loves you argument doesn't work for me either. I've only had a few meltdowns that took me to that edge. I didn't really want to die, rather I envied those in comas. A break from all sensory input, from trying to figure out the emotions and struggling to understand things that just seemed alien.

But then those episodes ended.

Life stabilized again.

I don't know your situation. You can never put your whole experience into a post. I'm seeing a therapist now - in spurts. It's just too much effort for me on a steady basis. But I'm doing as much as I can. Maybe you could do the same.

Also, you seem very obsessed with finding a true love. Why? (Seriously. No sarcasm. I don't understand this). I don't think true love is a cure all. Hell, I have enough trouble finding an actual friend. I can't imagine the difficulty skipping the friend step and going straight to love.

I really do hope you feel better and give life another chance.

Isaiah 49:16 says [God] loves you so much that He engraved your name on the palm of His hand. Matthew 10:30 says He loves you so much that He knows how many hairs are on your head. Psalm 56:8 says He loves you so much that He saves your tears in a bottle. Jeremiah 31:3 says He loves you with an everlasting love.
God's love is very personal toward you. It doesn't matter where you've been, it doesn't matter what you've done, it doesn't matter what you've experienced - God loves you. It doesn't matter what you have thought about yourself or what other people may have said about you - God loves you. This is what God says about you! You are honored, you are precious in His eyes (Isaiah 43:4). Isn't that an amazing thing?


GOD is love 1st John 4:8

Only God has true, self-giving, sacrificial love. When we are in Him, His love flows through us and we actively love others.


"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."
Romans 12:9 New International Version

"Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."
Romans 13:10 New International Version

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version


"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13 New International Version

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
1 Peter 4:8 New International Version

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."
1 John 4:7 New International Version

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:18 New International Version

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
John 15:13 New International Version AND JESUS DIED FOR YOU CAUSE HE LOVES YOU!

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."
John 3:16 ESV

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
Galatians 5:22-23 ESV"

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him."
1 John 4:16 ESV


"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble."
Psalm 59:16 NIV

"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling."
Exodus 15:13 NIV

"[ Promises of God ] " Then it shall come about, because you listen to these judgments and keep and do them, that the LORD your God will keep with you His covenant and His loving kindness which He swore to your forefathers."
Deuteronomy 7:12 NASB

"Know therefore that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His loving kindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments;"
Deuteronomy 7:9 NASB

"Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in loving kindness and truth;"
Exodus 34:6 NASB

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28 ESV

Zephaniah 3:17
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with great gladness; He will quiet your fears with His love; He will exult over you with loud singing, like a great choir."


John 15:9-11
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."


Romans 5:8
"God shows His love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."


Romans 8:38-39 (New International Version, ©2010)
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have mild autism and I believe and know this. Please believe this as well and accept Jesus into your heart. I did as a child. GOD loves me and I love Him. Let GOD love you. His arms are open wide ready to love you. Yes I still have meltdowns and black moods but GOD gives me the strength to get through it. GOD loves you.