Am I delusional?

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I said a throwaway comment to my BF last night ("What, you've never read Watership down?!"), which really upset him. He interpreted it as me being superior and putting him down.

Short version -
A friend of ours, who I've known for 20 years and BF has known for 25 took agin an email I wrote last month. He interpreted it as selfish, manipulative and demanding, and proceeded to email my BF about it. Now, my BF defended me, don't get me wrong, and there was a lot of aggression to defend me against!

This morning, my BF sent me all the related emails and I just read them . I sound like the worst beast in nature! I genuinely seem to come across to other people as a truly horrible person, which horrifies me. I've spent my entire life keeping to my Code of Honour (Honour, Honesty, Justice & Pride), and believe me, I take it extremely seriously. I was bullied for 12+ years and I would never, ever attack another person without trying to see it from their point of view. Everything I've done in my life has been with the express purpose of being nicer to other people than they've been to me!

But the person my friend describes... I feel sick. I genuinely feel ill at the thought of such a monstrosity anywhere near me. And yet she is supposed to be me. It was honestly like reading about a character in a book. I couldn't see any relation between myself and her. Yet my BF agreed with some of the accusations in principle. That I could be crass, that I act like a bull in a china shop and that I can't keep secrets. I don't debate any of that, but what upsets me is the interpretation.

I would never hurt anyone intentionally. Never. I can also see a lot of AS traits in the accusations levelled at me, which is confusing. Can I take responsibility for the actions affected by a disability? Should I? Or should I allow that in some instances my reactions are warped?

Or even worse, am I really this person they've described, and I've been fooling myself for the past 37 years? I work hard to be a good person - can I really have got it so badly wrong?

I wish I could cry about this - unfortunately, I trained myself not to, and I've never really recovered the habit. It's amazing how you miss being able to cry when you can't! Which is why I always smile instead.

Maybe you should learn to reword things so you don't sound so superior?
That throwaway comment about not having read a book can make people feel stupid, it's like 'oh you're so uneducated.' - or at least thats how it reads to me.

Then again, you could see it as him not being a friend and tell him to f**k himself and just be happy with who you are.

I agree with emlion, it's probably a matter of wording. And probably this friend also sees a lot of good in you for them to have stayed friends with you all those years! Sometimes honestly as someone who at least used to kind of stick to a similar code, you do have to sacrifice... uhh... politeness to keep integrity. Because politeness can be false and hurtful too. Personally I wouldn't see it as a disability that caused you to say things your friend interpreted as hurtful, cause I don't think of Asperger's as a disability but a neurological difference no better or worse than other neurological "structures", I would just see it as a different way of doing things that has its own pros and cons. Hopefully your friend can come to see that. Anyway, good that your boyfriend at least tried to defend you!

But as an aside, great book!

I love that you have a 'Code of Honour'!

But I've learned over the years that there's no such thing as a 'throwaway comment'. People will take the most unexpected things seriously and the little irritations they cause can build up over time until the frustration boils over. I once had a good friend who blew up at me over a similar meaningless comment and until that moment I never had a clue that I seemed to be acting like an arrogant know-it-all from his perspective. There were probably subtle social cues that went over my head.

Since then I've learned to be very careful about how I word things to make sure they come across in a way that won't seem demeaning or threatening, just simple things such as prefacing statements with 'I think...' rather than just coldly stating them in a way that can be interpreted as talking down to someone. And I try hard to soften my tone so I don't sound like I feel superior. It has worked well for me.

My intent hasn't changed, just my presentation.