I've been in and out of depressive episodes for over 11 years now and I can remember the exact moment which triggered it, more on that later. Every so often I feel like I need to cry about things and this is one of those times so I think I'll just say it all.
I lived in Ballyfermot, Dublin as a child. Was always a bit of an oddball and developed obsessive interests as I grew up. My first was with electronics, especially television, when my dad used to repair TVs and I'd be gawking in the back of the sets. School was never easy for me. I had no problem with the school work, in fact I was considered a "gifted child" at age 8 and had the vocabulary and spelling ability of someone ten years older than me. I now believe this to be Asperger Syndrome but have no official diagnosis of this. I wasn't in any way shy though, used to blabber about my interests to anyone I thought would listen. My godfather was a good listener for this sort of thing. I used to go to the Explorers Club in Marino College in order to "challenge my brain," kinda funny that I live somewhat near there now. Anyway, I was initially bullied at school for "looking like a girl" and in later primary school years was simply picked on because I took the insults so seriously and reacted in an aggressive way. I was never good with jokes and couldn't understand them. In fact I was once told by someone I knew that I was the most serious person she ever met in her life.
I didn't feel my parents were so helpful at the time; telling me at the time that I was "bringing it on myself." I did make one friend in primary school but that was about it. I don't have a huge number of memories from primary school in Ballyfermot, it's almost as if my mind has tried to block it out. I have some images but that's about it for the most part.
In 1995 when I was in 5th class my parents made the decision to move to Listowel in Kerry. We moved about 9 months later; it was a complete culture shock for me but I did mostly ok initially. But as my personality came out I started attracting attention again. I was solitary at that stage and remember someone making fun of me in the yard in 6th class for being with my "imaginary friend." Around the same time my family and myself used to travel back to Dublin by rail now and again. This ignited an interest in railways which I kept bottled up until 2006 but is another of my obsessions.
Come secondary school, again I was fine initially. But at the beginning of 2nd year my next obsessive interest came to fold, computers, and that quickly became a source of teasing. Looking back I wish I never touched the things, had I not then I may have had a career as a broadcast engineer now which is something I would have been more ambitious over. I started using computers, and chat rooms specifically, as a way to fill the void of not having any friends other than my one friend in Dublin, who I kept in touch with via phone once a week.
Now back to the depression trigger. One day in 3rd year the school was on lunch. For some reason the whole 6th year classes began a "stampede," charging down the hall, running over anyone in the way, including me. After being knocked to the ground and stood on a few times I was rather shook up. I know it wasn't directed at me personally but it was still a shock. I was sent home to calm down and returned the next morning; that day I was accused by one of my classmates of faking it to get the day off. I'm normally a very quiet person but on this occasion I snapped and threw him up against the wall, making some very lame attempts to hit him in the face (to be honest I just didn't have it in me to inflict damage). He, behind my back, organised to fight me at lunchtime that day. I had no interest in it and wanted to carry on, but on the lunch break he ran over to me with a crowd. I was with my brother at the time and he wasn't taking it either. He ended up getting involved, at which point the Gardai got involved as they were passing by. My brother was cautioned. From that day on I lost all interest in life and felt responsible for getting my brother in trouble. I stopped studying in school, my words were "what do these subjects have to do with anything I want to do after school?" and generally lost the will to do anything, something which I have never really recovered from. I also made it my intention to move back to Dublin at the earliest opportunity but the lack of will meant it took a long time to achieve this.
Since then I've had some breakthroughs, I managed to make a friend in Kerry through one of my brother's friends, he's double my age but I don't let that bother me. I also made a friend in 6th year via a shared interest in TV broadcasting. I made the move to Dublin and got a job in 2007, only to throw it away in May 2008 when I got tired of house sharing and moved back to Listowel. I considered it the worst mistake of my life and remained there for 4 bleak months when I amazingly got called back by my then former boss. Since then I've been living alone in Dublin, it costs me dearly but I can't see any other way.
The result of all of this is that I'm really hard on myself. I still isolate myself from the outside world though my laptop and living alone. I don't trust anyone outside my family except for maybe one or two, and just feel uneasy about doing anything outside of my comfort zone. On the other hand I'm desperately lonely and I've noticed this a lot over the last few days - I've been considering doing some things I'd never have done before (and go against every bone in my body) just for the sake of having some company. My fear now is that I'm so withdrawn that it might be impossible to make friends or find that special someone. I'm now extremely shy around most people, especially if I have any attraction to them.
Most of my online friends are women, probably because I see men as a threat, due to all of my school bullies being boys. Or maybe it's just me hoping one will fall in love with me...
The job is mostly ok but I have to answer phone calls and serve people who come in, which is something I dread every single day. On a couple of occasions, customers have lost the rag with me. When that happens I usually break down and can't take it, on one memorable occasion I ended up leaving the job for a few hours (upon advice from my boss) and taking a five mile walk. They're very supportive of me in there nonetheless. An example of me being way too hard on myself was when I accidentally sold a customer a copy of Kaspersky Anti-Virus instead of Kaspersky Internet Security, and when brought up on it by my boss I blurted out "what is wrong with me?"
When it comes to treatment, I have tried a few things. I was prescribed antidepressants in Kerry, was on 150mg Effexor XL at one point, but it only made me sick and didn't help much. It managed to make me sick on a bus from Listowel to Limerick and the embarrassment was enough to put me off. I was seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist a few months ago but it was very difficult for me to actually do what she expected of me, it was almost like I couldn't. But I don't want to live my whole life alone, I get envious of seeing public displays of affection as I never had that experience myself. Anyway, my previous appointment was cancelled due to the snow and was not rescheduled.
So that's me, plodding along from one day to the next, doing the same thing all the time.
06 Feb 2011, 8:02 pm
