Beating your self up

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Any tips on forgiving yourself for making mistakes?

I screw up a lot and every time I get angry with my self for being so stupid, or unaware or unobservant or lazy or distracted or forgetful or what ever.
I then spend an inordinate amount of time obsessing over my mistakes.
It generally ends up ruining the rest of the day, coupled with the feeling that something is not right.

I can't seem to get past it. The "your only human" and "we all make mistakes" drivel definitely does not make me feel any better.

I would have made one hell of a flagellant.

i hug myself and tell myself that i did the best i could with what i had at the time. then i do something else to get it off my mind. the average human brain can only hold one discrete thought in working memory at any given time, so when an unpleasant thought takes up all your consciousness, you have to give it the boot by replacing it with another thought, ANY other thought as long as it is a neutral or better thought. that is how i keep the blues at bay.

From what I've seen, it really comes down to accepting your limitations, and realizing that beating yourself is hardly a lesser sin than doing the same to others. It's about not letting yourself care too much about things you can't control. It's sort of a matter of discipline.

I think what's really killing you is the obsessing part. Coping with failure is partially about letting go of things, and obsessing about these kinds of things is detrimental to that action.

It could be that you have a "disorder" of some kind. What you've described sounds similar to what I have dealt with in the past and am still dealing with to a lesser extent today. It's similar to (or possibly related to or part of) OCD. As I understand your post, you obsess to the point where you're stressing yourself out excessively, and where you can't easily focus on anything else. You might feel like something is unresolved and you have to resolve it by obsessing more. Therefore, it ruins your day. Is this correct?

If you agree that the obsessing might be a big part of the problem, consider this:

The best thing you can do when compelled to obsess is simply REFUSE to obsess. You might acknowledge what you did wrong and what you could do better, but don't repeat thoughts over and over again. Don't waste your time if it's too complicated to bother with: fighting the obsessing is far more important, because worrying doesn't help anything, and the ultimate damage of the obsessing might be worse than whatever sparked it.

You're going to feel like something is unresolved when you ignore to urge to obsess; you might think that just a little more thought will give you that resolution, but that resolution isn't important.

If you feel the worrying starting to control you, simply refuse to indulge it. Think about anything else: a song, a verbal subject that won't cause you to obsess, a droning noise; absolutely anything you can think of without obsessing is a good option. If you can do this a bit consistently, things will get better faster than you expect. You'll find the urge to obsess surfaces less often, and it'll surface even less often if you continue to deny it.

Refusing to obsess did wonders for me.

Good luck.

I don't think this would help but here it is anyway. My imaginary friend talks be off the ledge (metaphorically speaking that is).

Im not sure how I can help as I have the same problem myself. But life is hard, and life with AS can make a lot of situations a lot harder. I guess we can only do the best we can, it is impossible to be a superhuman and transcend the boundaries of our bodies and minds.

you have to refuse to obsess. force yourself HARD to stop caring what other people think in that very moment (or at least act like you don't give two s**ts) and you'll eventually start thinking that way. that or im just bottling things up...

as far as just not getting things done or whatever...not involving people... i'm just kinda numb to it so i couldn't comment on that..

:/ hope i helped

[b]

Your not alone, you could be describing me perfectly.

I wish I knew the answers coz it cuases me no end of depression and pain.

i hardly ever forgive myself.

it is not up to me to forgive myself for making mistakes. it is also not up to anyone else to forgive my mistakes.
mistakes are innocent errors, and they are not deliberate and malicious sabotage. no matter the seriousness of the ramifications of the mistake, the fact that it was a only an innocent mistake remains.

i do not often consider that i have "made a mistake" if something goes wrong due to my interaction with it.
i most often consider that i decided to execute an ineffective approach to a matter due to insufficient briefing by experience. i do not expect myself to know everything, and i do not blame myself when things deteriorate due to my input to a circumstance that i am thrust into without my consent.

whatever.

the birds will chirp and the sun will shine tomorrow.
people will continue, to do what they do
and there will be no sign of sorrow
about anything i ever did.

i do think that self imposed mistakes are not forgivable in the same way.
if one ignores that they are not qualified to control a situation, and they nevertheless impose their decisions as to the logistics of the approach to a situation, then in the event of failure they can be squarely blamed, and they are guilty.

I also have that same problem. I make one social blunder and than I obsess over it for the rest of the day. I was dealing with this problem all day long. I told an old joke from the 80s. Are you an ABC, or a 123? ABC, African Bum Cleaner. There was a black woman in the room. Everybody was asking me what an ABC was, so I told them. I've realized that I said the wrong thing when the black woman looked at me and I apologized to her twice to try and save face. She told me that I offended her. It wasn't her stern words that made me cry. It was the fact that I've hurt a fellow clubhouse member that made me cry. I'mg still not over it and the logic that my contact worker was trying to use on me wasn't working because I go by feelings and not logic. I need someone who will listen, not someone who tries to reason as I do here on WP when I apologize for screwing up. I'm still not over that and the bad part is that it's almost bed time. I might need a later bed time, tonight. Maybe I should only take the 80s in small doses until I'm mature enough not to tell jokes like the one mentioned above, and these two:

What do you call a Boy George in a sleeping bag? A Fruit Roll-Up.

How long does Lionel Ritchie sit on the John? All night long.

I obsess for days after such mistakes. There are some I can think of that I made months, or even years ago. I can't stop thinking about them. I have no answer for you but wanted to say you're not the only one.

TheMidnightJudge

You totally nailed it and I do believe I have some OCD issues.

I am not sure on how to go about refusing the obsessing. It's like always there. If I do simple stuff, the obsession of my mistake is there on the surface. If I can block it with more complex thoughts then the 'something is wrong' feelings lurk in the background.

Yesterday I solved problems and was great.
Today I found a major screw up, my fault entirely, and I have been obsessing about it for hours.

I can totally understand mox, some I have carried for years.
I can really understand CockneyRebel - close to the same problem, unintentionally insulting a black co-worker over the spelling of a name. She hated me from that moment. And that was years ago.

My mistake today probably cost me $300 and that really hurts.
Is there a name for 'the fear of accidentally killing someone"? Cause I have that, cause I know I would hate myself the rest of my life.

It seems that not forgiving mistakes or even intentional harm is a major cause of self-hatred and hating others. That even seems to include cultures, societies, religion and governments. (oh,o, too heavy)

I imagine a best friend or family member with the same problem I have and imagine what I would say to them. I deserve all the same sympathy and support as I would give to someone else - even if I'm the only one to give it to myself.