PTSD amoung other things taking over.

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I feel like I can't feel anything the way I should.....and as much as I desire to try and make friends and meet more people and such I also have an equally strong desire to avoid people because its hard to be around them when they are expressing pleasent emotions and I can't feel anything other then pain. I feel like I am dead to the world most of the time....I have stopped talking about how I really feel even to some people I trust. Because I have been thinking about suicide, no plans to do it yet but I feel like Im back to clining to stupid things just to keep going. I feel burnt out and like I said in my other thread I can't even feel good feelings about things I enjoy. I mean when your thinking thinks like 'well I might miss a good concert if I kill myself' just to keep going for a few days longer you know you've got severe problems. I don't really want to die, but I am dying inside which is worse....so its kind of a feeling that actual death might be less painful then this.

People don't even hate me as much as I hate myself, I mean apparently I am good at making people laugh because of some of the weird things I say....so people tend to like being around me as long as they arent hateful towards people that are a bit different. But that does not help which bothers me. But anyways I am trying to keep going, it just feels pointless.

I feel more alive when I drink, and I am not in so much pain if I smoke cannabis....but temporary relief only goes so far, its not exactly enough to keep someone going when they have nothing to really live for.

I feel like If I where to actually be open about feeling suicidal......and actually tried getting help or worst case senerio call an ambulence on myself if I am actually about to attempt I will just be ridiculed by my family. They cant understand how much pain I am in so they would say something like 'but you where doing so much better, why would you want to die why would you want do that to us' I am not doing better, yeah I went a few months doing mostly nothing and am now back in college but that does not mean I am actually doing better. My mom is already so ignorant most of the time thinks I can handle everything and throw a part time job on top of it I can barely handle three classes. I just want to live my life but I am trapped in this hell.....Its probably only a matter of time before I do something stupid or I say the wrong thing to the wrong people and end up drugged up in a psych ward or something.

I know I am ranting and probably annoying the hell out of everyone with my ridiculous amount of posts in this section, but if anyone has anything helpful to say or just something to say about this in general it would be nice because I feel like my sanity is going downhill and I don't have anyone to talk to about this IRL at the moment.

All i'll say is there is always hope no matter what situation your in. Should you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me or someone else here on the Planet. We're all in this together mate.

I understand how it feels not to feel anything. It could be a real thing called alexithymia that eighty-five percent of Autistic people experience in life. Forty percent of people with PTSD have it too. It doesn't mean you are a zombie; sorry to see those other two posts. I felt it when I was your age for a period of two years off and on. But, it did finally go away and stayed away for 32 years.

I'm not sure what your PTSD is related to. Sometimes a person wittingly or unwittingly shuts their emotions down to avoid the memory of bad emotions that are too much to process. Unfortunately, sometimes good emotions can get blocked along with the bad ones.

You seem like a very nice young lady. What you are going through is not your fault, and it can change for the better with time. When I was your age there seemed like no way out of the numb feeling I had, but my emotions and interests came back stronger than ever. I don't know if you are seeing anyone to help you with your PTSD, but there are treatments that can help, that might help bring back your good emotions.

I also know what it is like to be around happy people and how bad it is not to be able to feel what you used to feel. I felt guilty and hated myself at times for not being the happy person that used to bring joy to others. I am glad to hear that people like to be around you. Hang in there; the good feelings can come back.

It sounds like you are crying out for help and are willing to accept it. There are people that can help you. Maybe if your mother understands that you may have a condition related to your PTSD or Autism that is causing this dead feeling inside, she can assist you in getting help from someone that can make a difference in your life.