is there a mental illness that...

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makes thinking about dark thoughts and death give you an adrenaline rush?

also is there a mental massacism i know i spelled that wrong but what i'm trying to get at is i like to watch/listen/read things that disturb and bother me. such as i watch house half the stuff disturbs the hell out of me and no matter what happens i will still keep watching it. and this is one i wanted to take to the grave when i die but i hate a thing call yaoi which means gay i think but i read about it all the time, it disturbs me but i still keep doing it.

i hope all these things drive me to insanity someday i mean constant dark thoughts have got to mess with someones mind and then further damaging with disturbing things have got to screw you up somewhere.

also seem to enjoy being screwed up with all my mental illnesses and i want to find out what else i got.

i don't want treated for these things i just want answers to the two questions, and maybe someday take my life in a mental hospital, because i hate life in general i never wanted to live i don't want to live for much longer because i'm getting tired of it, my life is so boring that it agitates me to no end.

if you want to go crazy drop a bunch of acid, do shrooms, or drink peyote. i have a feeling after you do those things, (to see what being crazy is like) you won't want to be crazy anymore

OMG, i love house

I agree with waterdogs, insainity is very overrated and although I did meet some nice people (the patients not the staff)in psyc wards...it was not a pleasant experience over all...You think your bored now...try spending a few weeks on the locked ward with nothing to do but play Gin Rummy and try not to stare at the guy who thinks he is Jesus(there was only a superficial reseblence in my opinion...no walking on water)

I never wanted to be in this world(to the best of my knowledge)I dont want to be here now and made what I thought were valid attempts to leave this world....to no avail...plans foiled again...failure at suicide...perhaps a problem with "Executive function"....whatever it was...I am still here...still not thrilled about it but trying my best to kill time instead of myself...I seem to be lacking the "zest" for life that some peole are born with but I can take some pleasure in small things...I collect rocks,go to the thriftstores and garage sales to "hunt treasures"...pet my cats and bunnies...read some really good books and waste alot of time writting these longa## posts...thats as close as I will probably get to "fun"....maybe you need to explore some new obsessions....or a new angle on them?I really dont know....I am sorry your hurting.

As far as the liking things that scare you....I liked scary movies and books since childhood...alot of people do, but it can make you think dark thoughts....then again ,if you didnt like "dark thoughts" you probably wouldnt enjoy being scared....You cant make yourself like butterflies and unicorns(gaggs)...

Anyway...this to shall pass...well, it didnt for me,I just got used to it...sorry...

my grandmother has paranoid schizophrenia once she thought i was JFK and tryed stabbing me with a knife in my aunts house when i was 18. man talk about some freaky s**t i still remember the look in her eyes, she looked f*****g crazy. i feel so sorry for her but as you can imagine i don't really have anything to do with her anymore.

Waterdogs...what the hell did she have against JFK...now Hitler or someone like that....but JFK?That is crazy....my sympathy.

well i don't really know, i was attending my cousins college graduation and i was in a nice suit. i was in the living room and she walked up on the side of me tapped my shoulder and when i turned around she grabbed me by the shirt and said, "i know who you are, and i know what your doing out in the desert" and at this time i didn't see her other hand until she raised it and it had a knife and she said, "you're JFK" and thats when i jumped like 15 feet in the air goddamn and ran the hell out of there. i knew she was crazy but i never thought she would do something like that

Believe me, as a past acute schizophrenia sufferer, you do NOT want to be crazy. I am still trying to pick up the pieces.

i think i might have been temporarily out of my mind when i wrote that due to lack of good sleep, i tend to get like that and probably will tonight. fell asleep at 1:30 am woke up 5:29 am so if i go into a dark rant that's probably the cause.

i tend to reach a new level of darkness with no sleep. and of course the fact that was getting my ass handed to me on drakongard wasn't help much either. so i was frustrated, had sleep depervation, and i don't think to great at that point.

also i swear i heard some one laughing at 1 am last night it might have been my insomnia or what because this sound was not audible it was in my head and i did not control it.

People like to watch the traffic accidents even though it's horrible.
I do stuff that scare me or look at disgusting stuff to strengthen myself.
I sometimes think about intricate ways of maiming and killing rapists, for example, and that gives me a kick.
As long as you don't try to get martyr points by complain about how horrible it is but keep doing it anyhow.

i don't think i have maytr points because i don't go around saying something is horrible and still do it it's more like i'm aware that it might be wrong in some way but i just don't care if it is.

and with only 4 hours of sleep i'm suprised i'm thinking clearly right now. right now i'm trying to stay away from anything moderately violent or dark because i might lose it again like last night. i tend to get almost bipolar when i'm sleep deprived, like in the day i'm jumpy and anything funny will make me laugh for several hours, but if i get even slightly frusterated i get the complete oppistte, i think i most people that might be common.

my normal mood is like in bettween angry\dark and happy\jumpy sorta neutral. not happy but not angry but still dark. so i'm forcing myself to stay my neutral mood right now to stay sane, because last night i reached a new level of darkness.