Am I really an evil person?

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This is Usagi1992, to address something once and for all that's been on my mind since April of 2008, only a few months after I joined Wrong Planet.

It all began when I started a thread in the Haven addressing the topic of wishing my father to die, because of something that happened almost 3 years previously, in what I labeled the 'Jelly Incident'. Based on the responses that I got over that thread's lifespan, half of the people chose to call me out on the fact that I was a cold-hearted jerk, and that only made me respond by saying 'thanks for noticing'.

But it didn't stop at that one thread. It seems to me that I average one 'father bashing' thread every 2 and a half months, and just about every single time, I get responses that all but straight out state that I'm just a whiny attention whore. I mean, addressing your grievances is one thing, but REPEATEDLY stating that you wish that your father would die from cancer, would do nothing but solidify you as an emo.

I've upset a lot of people in my time here, but the one Wrong Planeteer that I think I upset the most, to the point of him thinking I've become his personal nemesis, is Kilroy. He's pretty much the only fellow on this forum board who's accurately 'got my number' and called me out on my being a selfish, inconsiderate, horrible human being in general. As much as I despise him for being able to read me like an open book, I can't be upset about him being absolutely right. I do bring my troubles on myself, so I have no right to complain, let alone post my woes on this forum board.

Let me tell you something about my father that he told me last week: he told me that the one thing he wanted to live long enough to see was his grand-daughter Abigail (my niece) graduating from high school. As much as he can be a dick-head to me and my youngest brother, how can you not feel touched by a proclamation like that?

I beg the forum to reconsider their opinions of me; I'm really not such a bad guy. I just tend to be a very emotional person who feels to the extreme. If I love someone, I will sometimes cry bitterly if I hear that they've been hurt. If I hate someone, I will wish vehemently that they die in the most horrific and painful ways. And when it comes to my father, I consider myself a 'tsundere' (a person who emotionally runs warm and cold), with more emphasis on the hate (tsun) then love (dere).

So, Wrong Planeteers, I want to know, once and for all, no punches pulled...am I really an evil person?

Usagi1992

I believe that we can truly never fully label someone because we can't truly know that person. The only person fully capable of giving us a label is ourselves. Society might give a label to something, but is that label the truth. I don't know. I don't believe in evil nor good for that matter. I see them as perspectives. I feel that if you believe yourself to be a truly evil person then that is the truth, if not then the opposite is the truth. Ultimately, people can throw judgments at you all day long, but it is a matter of whether or not that you accept those judgments that determines who you are.

I don't believe in evil people. In truth it is kind've wrong for you to hate your Dad but I won't judge you, I don't know the whole situation. Just try talking to him, trying to get along with him again. I think it'd be so useful for you to fix your relationship with him, before it's too late.

Don't get me wrong Zeek, I want to be able to forgive him...

it's just that my mind is so scarred...so riddled with PTSD, that just when I feel like I'm ready to forgive him, I remember some crap he did to me back in 1987 that wasn't too hot, and it makes me angry all over again. It's a vicious cycle.

Well then, in that case, I don't see myself as evil...I prefer to see myself as Chaotic Neutral. I follow my own rules, sing my own songs, and live life by my own standards. I appreciate beauty in things, I'm in touch with my emotions...so by my own judgment, I'm not an evil person after all...just all mixed up.

I'm fairly new so you have a clean slate with me. I certainly understand the love/hate relationship with your father - mine was similar even if the circumstance were different. And I believe everyone needs to vent. It's sort of what the board is for, at least, in part. Letting go of past hurts and holding grudges are common themes in these parts. Your challenges with your relationship with your father is no different. I certainly hope your threats of violence were just the hurt and frustration talking. Either way, working out negative emotions is no easy task. People coming down on you for them can only make it much more difficult.

Honestly, if people have negative feelings about someone else's post - they need to just move on. This is supposed to be a support community. If someone can't be supportive, just go to the next thread. It takes a special kind of person to willingly spread negativity.

I am the truly evil one here. You are not evil.

now, now boys... there's enough evil to go around for everyone...

c'mon fellas, let's not fight...especially not over poor little me.

But yes, all those talks in the past about violence towards my father were just my anger talking, and probably will still be the case, should I rant again over the next batch of stupid s**t he does.

Thanks for all the gentle words of encouragement.

Usagi1992

People can behave evilly or goodly. No one is inherently good or evil.

Your dad wasn't all bad then? Kinda proves the point.

IMO people are 'evil' for good reasons, they are just addressing their 'stuff' in a negative or unhelpful way.

I hate people who make me sad. My parents make me sad. Therefore, I hate my parents. I'm a sad person and I guess I'm evil too for hating them. Hell, for what its worth I don't think your feelings are wrong. I don't think you're evil for feeling that way. They're your FEELINGS and it sucks that people just judge them and dismiss them because its wrong to hate ones parents. You're not the bad guy.

Whilst I don't think you're evil, your previous posts have been very cruel towards your dad. I was a bit disgusted at your thread where you said you were happy that he got cancer (I think I'm remembering it correctly).

As I said though, it's not evil. If anything, it's more like childish petulance that went on a bit too long. Provided no actual abuse went on, most people grow out of 'I wish you were dead!' sentiments around the age of 4, with a brief reprisal around their teens.

It sounds like you're just growing up, like everyone else. It probably takes a lot to admit it.

Maybe make it up to the guy a little and be nice to him from now on.

That Kilroy person has attacked me, before, as well, just because I am an eccentric person. I wouldn't give a damn what he thinks, personally; I have noticed that he's a very judgemental person. He attacked me when I was feeling like utter shìt after yet another of my Internet-based relationships crashed. Not that he was the only one who felt that way about me, but what did I do to the criticism I got? I shrugged it off. Why should I give a damn what they think?

I also have been attacked by other people, recently, when I had started a thread where I was suicidal. It seemed my reasons weren't good enough, and I was, therefore, apparently a "troll". Not to the majority that replied to me in my thread, and I'm glad of the support that some gave, but you should always expect to get attacked by people.

I have also been called a pedophile for posting about being against that much manga and anime de facto is illegal in Sweden, and soon will be in the whole EU. That's not the first time I have been called a pedophile, either; on another forum, the forum leaders ended up coming to the conclusion that I must be a pedophile after finding out that I had had a girlfriend that was seventeen, when I was almost eleven years older, and therefore banned me (actually, I withheld that she was sixteen when we met). I guess by stating this, many people, here, will assume that I really MUST be a pedophile, since I even have been accused before, especially since I am one of those people who are considerate enough, and clear enough in the mind, to see that a pedophile doesn't equal a sex criminal - that a pedophile also could be a person in great pain over the fact that they are feeling such things, but has never acted on his or her feelings in any way whatsoever, including not ever having viewed child pornography. Oh no, did I really just say these things? Surely there must be personal reasons behind me saying these things, when I myself have been accused of being a pedophile, before? I really am not helping my case by sharing these perceptions that consider the many facets that are available to keep in mind.

I have not read your posts, in the past, but I'm sure that many think I am a bad person, as well, and if I mention the many good deeds I have done, it must be in order to cover up what a bad person I really am, right? You can't do it right, ever - that's humanity for you.



Haha.... "tsundere".... so *that's* what it means. I think I most certainly am a tsundere, then.... -_-

You know, something happened yesterday that would qualify. I was heading back to my apartment after a 2 day stay at my old homestead, but I'd stopped at the supermarket to restock my refrigerator and wound up buying more then I could carry into my apartment by myself, or at least, not all in one trip. So I had to have my father, who drove me btw, help me tote half of my groceries up to the 3rd floor. But the thing was, I didn't realize he was toting the heavy half of my bagged groceries as well as my 12-pack, and just going up one flight of stairs was enough to get him out of breath, so I agreed when he proposed we stop at the second floor and just take the elevator.

That's when it totally hit me: this man was almost SEVENTY years old, has butt cancer, mild Parkinson's disease, balance problems, and multiple problems with his pancreas...and he still was willing to help me, his oldest son. It couldn't be because of love, could it? Nah, it's probably because he hates to feel useless and wants to prove that he can still be helpful. But in any case, I felt so horrible for making him work so hard that I gave him 5 dollars for gasoline on the way back home.

I've been nothing but mean to him for most of my adult life, and he STILL LOVES ME! Though HEAVEN KNOWS WHY!! If I had a son who spoke bitterly and evilly about me, I'd have disowned him a looooong time ago. So why am I still forgiven? I don't understand...

because he's your father.
that's why he still loves you.

Love is like that... the real thing knows no bounds. It forgives. Everyone has their failings, some people more than others. Some people only hurt the ones they love - something about the comfort and confidence to 'be themselves' that gets out of control - but, in turn, they may have an inhuman ability to forgive because they know they themselves need that same understanding.

Love is always a gift and it doesn't always have an explanation.