let me tell y'all the story of my f***king life...

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i went to an elementary school full of a**holes. i saw that everyone who was being an a**hole to me was really successful so i wanted to be one too. i didn't know at that time that being an a**hole to everyone was a bad thing so i studied hard to try to change and be an a**hole too. soon i was a real a**hole, but i was not like the popular sh*theads that i copied i alienated most of the true friends i had. most people thought i was a weird a**hole so they teased me a lot. in first grade my school tried to figure out why i was an a**hole so they sent me to a lot of doctors. in the end the school decided that i was such an a**hole that they would send me to an asylum for a b**lshit diagnosis of childhood schizophrenia, luckily my parents fought back and won. i eventually got diagnosed with aspergers. when i found out i wasn't like other kids i had tried to imitate i felt like sh*t. i became seriously depressed then and i have been coping with depression ever since then. by the time i finished elementary school i was so f**ked up that most aspies and normal people stayed away from me. i went to middle school for three of the sh*ttiest years of my life and everything got worse for me... i went to a school with a lot of rich a**holes who laughed at my cheap clothes. they had their parents drive them around in fancy cars all the time and they went to fancy parties and did all the things which rich a**holes do, but i couldn't do those things cuz i had no f**king money. i caused a fist fight for no reason in 7th grade i punched a guy in the mouth and then he punched me back. i unfortunately got knocked out and had to be dragged out of the room by a few teachers. i had to spend a while washing the blood out of my mouth and my shirt. the other guy had punched me in the mouth and i had braces so my lip was stuck to the braces and there was a big 2 inch long cut on my lip from that. the doctors however told me that i couldn't get stitches for it because it was in my mouth. i started hacking computers, stealing, and gamboling in 8th grade. i went into high school with hopes that i could change, but i soon resortedto using my old sh*tty social tactics of perverted humor to drive away some people and get a small clique of people who enjoyed the jokes i made around me. i have become an insecure attention seeker who relies on other people laughing at my jokes. i have nobody to talk to since most people hate me and my friends only talk about my jokes and not my life. i had a really bad time with depression and i have been failing all my classes since this winter. before i started failing i had been an A student. most of my friends have left me because my jokes have been getting worse since i was depressed. most of the aspies i used to know have left cuz they think i am insane and stupid. i have managed to totaly f**k up my life...

That was brilliantly, extraordinarily unabashed. You remind me of a cousin. She was a f**king genius.

You act like a jerk, but I don't think it's in your nature. I hope you don't see yourself that way. You're either very smart, or very hardworking, or both, because you mentioned that you usually get really good grades.

I'd like to help. This is what I'm reading from your post. This is just my impression. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm not being preachy, or anything else. I hope that you respond and tell me if something I said in here isn't accurate.

When you were little, most people at your school were jerks. They seemed to be more popular than you (I'm guessing that this is what you mean by "successful"), so you went to painstaking measures to imitate them.

You were able to imitate them, but in resulted in alienating people, serious behavioral problems, and even a diagnosis of childhood schizophrenia.

You were eventually diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Being different was incredibly painful. It felt like there was no chance of being successful anymore. You developed some serious depression, and it never went away. And this was all in elementary school.

You were badly bullied in middle school because you weren't as rich as the other kids. You resented the NT kids so badly that you lashed at one of them "for no reason".

Behavior problems got worse in the eighth grade, with computer hacking, stealing, and gambling mentioned.

When you went to high school, you hoped that you could start over. The environment had changed, but your experiences hadn't changed. The depression, the bullying, and the bad habits remained. You tried to alienate people. What you ended up with was a small circle of friends who enjoyed your humor. You're not enjoying these friendships because they're not very meaningful, but you're dependant on them for your self-esteem.

At this point, you are (I'm totally guessing) still a teenager, but coming up on legal adulthood. Your depression has come back, and its result is that your friendship and grades are suffering.

I'd like you to see these videos. They're short skits made by a Christian group called the SkitGuys. The first is about bad experiences, and the second is about self-esteem. They can get pretty heavy on the Christian content. If you're not a Christian, then please know that I'm really not trying to be offensive in any of this. This is stuff that I've found useful in my life.

http://skitguys.com/videos/item/baggage-skit/

http://skitguys.com/videos/item/gods-chisel/

People are born jerks. When we're young, we throw tantrums if we don't get our way, we won't play games if they aren't rigged in our favor, we take everything personally, and a hundred other things that just aren't cool. As we go through life, we have bad experiences that make us even worse jerks, and it takes us years to un-jerk-ify ourselves.

yeah u got it right from the story...
i think my life will pretty much always suck. i was just sort of venting my rage on here.

Yeah. Venting sometimes helps for me when I get into a mood.

Life sucks. Life isn't fair. People are jerks. Maybe that's cynical. But it's hard to deny that we live in a seriously flawed world.

I hope that your depression gets better. Life is never easy, but in my experience it does always get better.

Like, when I was fourteen, I was in real trouble. I was having so much difficulty concentrating that I couldn't get any schoolwork done even when it had been slowed to a snail's pace. My big dream for the future was just not to flunk out of high school.

By the time I turned fifteen, everything was different. Not only was I not flunking, I was getting A's and B's in every class. It took blood, sweat, and tears to get to that place. New problems and challenges came up that I never thought I would have been able to handle. But I did finally get there. I have to give God the credit for getting me there.

So anyway, I hope that you can resolve this. Good luck!

I have a gambling problem, too. Perhaps we can help each other out in that area through PMs but only if you wish for us to do so.

I voted yes without reading it.

I still say, "No." I feel that so much comic self-depreciation warrants a hopefully encouraging appeal to seriousness. Not more irony and sarcasm, especially not in response to honesty. Although, the addition of that poll made it difficult to resist. That was truly fascinating.